Amazing Final Fantasy Race
Rejected Audition Tapes

Kefka and General Leo stood in the middle of a desert army camp.

LEO: We would like to apply for the new show, The Amazing Final Fantasy Race.

KEFKA: (looking down at his feet) God, not again!

LEO: What? Sand on your shoes?

KEFKA: No. I have soldiers for that. It's the damned laces. They're untied again.

LEO: Do...do you need help tying your shoes?

KEFKA: Wuah ha ha ha ha! You think I can't tie my own shoes!? Of course I can! Don't take me for a fool!

LEO: With that make-up?

KEFKA: Shove it! I'm unique and distinguished like Lady Gaga! No, it's these laces! I am teaching them to stay tied. They have failed. Hand me the squirt bottle.

LEO: They aren't animals.

KEFKA: They're made from them!

LEO: Let's focus on the audition, shall we? Ahem. We are General Leo and Kefka of--

KEFKA: General Leo and...Kefka? Not Lord Kefka? Almighty Kefka? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Kefka? I serve the Emperor just as well as you do! Do you take me for a fool!?

LEO: With that--

KEFKA: Shut up! He is Leo. My lackey. He will serve me by doing every task I deem unworthy to myself. He will run. He will jump. He will climb. He will carry. He will swim. He will dance.

**Two hours later**

KEFKA: He will carve. He will garden. He will procreate and he will clap.

LEO: And he will complain.

KEFKA: I'LL DO NO SUCH THING! DO YOU TAKE-- SHUT UP! HE WILL FRY!

Before Leo can react, Kefka lights him on fire and beats on him with a cricket bat. After five solid minutes of abuse, he tosses the bat aside and returns to face the camera.

KEKFA: So...consider us, won't you? .......Him? He's fine. Look. The parts left of him are still moving. He's fine.........You might be right. That might just be the wind. DAMN! I'll find another partner. Hold on!