Episode 1: Part 1

     The twenty-two racers lined up on the starting line, which was basically standing in front of the Djose Temple in Spira. Some teams got into a sprinting stance while others just stood there. 
     The announcer Gippal stepped forward and raised an arm. "Teams, are you ready?" He paused as if expecting a reaction. Only Strago responded by passing gas. "Right... Get set then, and GO!"
     The teams took off. Raijin took an early lead, followed closely by his teammate Fujin, who was almost neck and neck with Edgar, Sabin, and Paine. 

     Paine slowed to a stop and looked behind her at her teammate who was walking prissily and slowly.  "You're letting them win," Paine said to Tifa. "Run already."
     "Me? Run?" Tifa said, offended. "With these?" Tifa pointed to her chest. "I don't need a black eye this early in the race." Paine's eyes widened. After getting the response she wanted from her teammate, Tifa reached her arm around Paine's neck and pulled her in closely. "I'm just kidding, I'll run," she whispered. "I'm just trying to throw a few of our male racing teams off their balance. Let's not run here though, it won't help us to get to the first clue box first, trust me."

<Jenova & Sephiroth: Mother/Son, Currently in Last Place>
     "Mother, come on," Sephiroth said to Jenova. Jenova was trying desperately to open the door to the Temple. "No Mother! It's not a trick! They didn't hide the clue box in there. It's on the bridge." Sephiroth sighed. "For God's sake, I can see the damn clue box down there. I think those faggy brothers already have the clue... Yeah, yeah they definitely have the clue. And what do ya know! There's tacos in the clue box!" Jenova turned and raced for the clue box. "Thank God," Sephiroth said to himself before running after Jenova.

<Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently in 1st>
     Edgar pulled a clue card out of the clue box, opened it, and read it out loud to Sabin. "Take one of the marked landspeeders to Luca Interplanetary Spaceport and take a spaceship to-" he paused to laugh triumphantly. "-to Kohlingen in the World of Balance."

<Announcer Gippal>
     "Teams must use a newly added Spaceport in Luca to travel to the planet known as The World of Balance using one of three flights, leaving at 8:00, 9:00, and 9:30. The 8:00 flight arrives earliest, but the 9:30 flight arrives twenty minutes faster than the 9:00 flight. Only four teams can use the first flight, and only three can use the 9:30 flight."

<Raijin & Fujin: Friends, Currently in 2nd>
     "We gotta go to this Luca ya know?" Raijin said to Fujin.
     "WHERE?" Fujin asked.
     "I dunno. None of these places seem familiar to me ya know? Let's just take that landspeeder thingy right there and follow the brothers ya know?"
     "MORONS!"
     "Yeah, so they're dumb, but what else can we do ya know? Oh wait, never mind. Those cute chicks that live here are coming. Let's just form an alliance ya know?"
     Rikku and Yuna ran to the box and pulled out their clue. 
     "Go to Luca?" Yuna said confusedly. "Where's that?"
     "Oh Yunie," Rikku said. "There's a reason you never navigated anything."
     "So you know the way then?" Yuna asked.
     "Was I ever navigator of anything? No. We're screwed in our own place. Great. Well, let's wait for Auron then."
     "SCREWED!" Fujin said to Raijin.
     The rest of the teams arrived at the clue box, and with the exception of the brothers who had already sped off, all were standing around the clue box wondering how to get to Luca.
     Jenova ran to the clue box and opened it. She looked through it furiously, throwing out clue cards.
     "What? No tacos?" Sephiroth said. "It must be those damn brothers. They must've taken them all. There's only one thing left to do. Beat them in the race so they don't steal any more tacos."
     "Could you guys stop the taco talk?" Rufus asked. "Fatty's salivating like a waterfall. It's disgusting. By the way, does anybody know where this Luca is?"
     "I know the way," Auron said. "Everybody grab a speeder and follow me."
     All the teams raced to the speeders and boarded. Auron and Jecht's started off first while the rest of the teams followed them.
     "Jecht, you know what to do," Auron said.
     "Heh, oh yes," Jecht said evily, taking off his backpack and tying it to the back of the speeder. The backpack dragged in the dirt, kicking up giant clouds of dust.  "Follow this, assbites!"
     The other racers slowed down, giving Auron and Jecht a big lead.

<Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, Currently in 10th>
     Steiner and Beatrix stared at the landspeeder. Steiner took occasionally breaks to scratch his head and other body parts.
     "Beatrix-dear, what is this?" Steiner asked.
     "A landspeeder I'm pretty sure," she responded.
     "Well, okay then. Lead the way, I'll take the landspeeder."
     Steiner crouched next to the landspeeder, then with a loud oomph, picked the speeder up in both hands and carried it over his head.
     "This is really heavy," Steiner grunted.
     "Yeah, but at least we know where we're going," Beatrix said. "I asked a local where Luca was. He never once looked me in the eyes, but I know where to go nonetheless."

<Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently in Last Place>
     Edgar and Sabin stood by a strange bug-like creature and a large elephant-like creature.
     "So Edgar," Sabin said. "Do we want to ride ze shoopuf or not?"
     "I'm pretty sure we don't," Edgar responded. "I think we're lost." He looked to the buggy thing. "Hey Thing, where's Luca?"
     "Luca?" he said. "Luca ish not here. I could take-sho there if sho ride ze shoopuf."
     "Can you put this thing on it?" Sabin said, pointing to the landspeeder. "I don't wanna get penalized for not taking it to Luca."
     He agreed, and Sabin loaded the landspeeder onto the shoopuf.

<Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in 1st>
     "Heh, I can't believe we lost 'em so easy," Jecht said to Auron.
     Auron and Jecht dismounted the landspeeder and headed into the Luca Interplanetary Spaceport.
     Auron untied the backpack that had been dragging on the floor. The strap was almost broken and the cloth was only moments away from giving way and spilling its contents everywhere. "This bag is done for," Auron said. 
     "Ah, just leave it," Jecht said. "We've still got one bag, and that's plenty for survival. I remember this one time I was lost in the woods. It was just me, this camp counselor, and a bottle of Jack Daniels, and I'm still standing."
     "So you're saying consolidate the alcohol into the good bag," Auron said.
     "Yeah, sure."
     "So Jecht, I know you're all right, but what happened to the camp counselor?"
     "Bah, don't worry about him. Once I polished off the Jack Daniels, I broke the bottle over a rock and impaled him with the bottle. Somehow his body was necessary in my rescue, I'm just not sure how."
     Auron and Jecht ran to the marked ticket desk. A young blond girl worked the ticket distribution.
     "Hey Sweetcheeks," Jecht said.
     "Stop calling me that," Auron said.
     "I wasn't. She's Sweetcheeks. You're Bitch. Anyway, Sweetcheeks. We need the earliest tickets you've got."
     "Okay, I'll put you on the 8:00 flight," she said, oblivious to the degrading nickname.

     The large group of racers never split up. They all arrived at the Spaceport at the same time and raced for the counter. Lani was first in line, and Amarant slowly and forcefully shoved his way to join her at the front. The ticket seller motioned for them to come to the counter.
     "Hi!" she said cheerfully. "How can I hel-"
     "Give us good tickets," Amarant said coldly.
     Lani slapped Amarant. "That's horrible. Say 'please' Flamer."
     "I can't," Amarant said. "I don't know what that word means."
     "Stop being dumb Fla-"
     "No, seriously. I don't know what it means. I'll try though." Amarant looked at the ticket seller. "Give us good please tickets lady."
     The ditsy woman behind the counter smiled at him and handed them tickets for the 8:00 flight.

<Shinra & Rufus: Father/Son, On 9:30 flight>
     "From what I've heard," Rufus said to the camera, "it sounds like those grizzled dudes, the Rastafarian and his whore, the black guy and the bitch, and Tifa and her lesbo partner all got the 8:00 flight. Me 'n the lardass are on the last flight with those two clueless whores and the little girl and her grandpa. I booked the tickets though, and I took this flight because I heard it was the second one to arrive. I just hope that holds true. We're still waiting to see if those brothers show. We haven't seen 'em, and it's almost time for the 8:00 flight to board. I don't know what flight they're on, but I think they got here first, so they'd better get back here."

<Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently in Last Place>
     Edgar and Sabin sat on the landspeeder, which was loaded onto the backs of a large elephant thing called a shoopuf. The shoopuf was not in the water however, it had walked all the way through the Moonflow and was now a good ways into Mushroom Rock Road.
     "This is just, thrilling," Edgar said to Sabin.
     "I feel like a tool," Sabin said. "Hey Edgar, how much money did we get for this leg?"
     "500 gil," Edgar responded. "This ride is gonna cost us about 100 gil, so hopefully we don't need a whole bunch of cash later."
     "Hey Edgar, this tubby thing we're riding on is very slow."
     "Yeah, I think we're in trouble."

<Beatrix & Steiner: Dating, Currently in 10th>
     Steiner dropped the landspeeder at the entrance to the Luca Spaceport.
     Huff, wheeze. "Beatrix-dear," Steiner said, doubled over trying to catch his breath. "I gotta wait a minute."
     "We don't have time," Beatrix said, running to Steiner's aid. "Just hold on, I'll assist you." Beatrix grabbed Steiner's left hand and left leg, then with a quick push up with her knees, lifted the armored man above her head, and headed into the building.
     "Thanks dear," Steiner said. "Watch the doorway please."
     Beatrix ducked just in time to pass safely under the entrance. She carried Steiner to the ticket desk where the young blond woman was still staring blankly at the camera.
     "I take it you guys want the 9:00 flight since it's all that's left," the woman said. Beatrix nodded. "Well, here you go, and you'd better run quickly to Gate 14 because your flight is already boarding."
     "Poppycock!" Steiner exclaimed, jumping down to his feet. "I've enough stamina to get myself there quickly. Let's run m'lady."
     Beatrix and Steiner raced for Gate 14. They reached the ticket taker just in time and boarded their flight.

<Strago & Relm: Grandpa/Granddaughter, On 9:30 flight>
     Strago and Relm sat in the Spaceport seats awaiting their flight at Gate 18. Relm turned to face the camera.
     "We're all pretty stoked that Lover Boy and his brother, the puffed up aerobics instructor, didn't make either of the first two flights, and we bought the last ticket for this flight. So they're eliminated! We've survived! We're already into the next leg!"
     Relm jumped down from her seat and started doing some wacky celebration dance. Strago looked down at her and immediately stood up on his seat and started doing a very similar dance. From several seats over, Rikku and Yuna saw them doing their victory dance and decided to join in. They stood up and started boogieing down. Across the way, just outside the entrance to Gate 18, Shinra finished purchasing his bottled Pepsi and box of Jujubes from a couple vending machines. When he came back in and saw the victory dance, he began doing what he called 'The Dance of the Jujube.' Rufus saw everybody dancing and began repeatedly hitting his head against a nearby wall. Within seconds, all the non-racer passengers of the 9:30 flight also joined in, and soon all of Gate 18 except Rufus was dancing. Apparently spaceport staff saw this spectacle and decided to assist the dancers by playing "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang over the speakers.
     "I think I'll take up smoking," Rufus said as he walked out of Gate 18 to look for cigarettes to start his new habit.

<Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently Boned>
     Edgar and Sabin finally reached the spaceport on their shoopuf escort. They kicked the landspeeder off the side. It landed upside-down and broke into two pieces, but the brothers figured they were leaving and wouldn't need it anyway. They ran inside and up to the ticket desk.
     "We need two tickets," Sabin said. 
     The blond girl looked at them and smiled. "I'm sorry sirs, there's only one flight left and it's booked solid. You'll have to wait for tomorrow."
     "Ah SHIT!" Sabin yelled. Spaceport security moved slightly closer to them.
     "Don't worry Sabby," Edgar said. "Go over there and wait for me."
     Sabin shrugged angrily, walked out of the line and stood in a corner.
     "Now that we're alone," Edgar said smoothly to the young woman, "I was wondering what I can do for you to make you want to help us."
     The girl smiled stupidly. "Huh?"
     "What I'm saying is, help me help you help me. I'll do anything. Anything."
     The girl giggled giddily. "Oh-Kay," she said dorkily. She beckoned for Edgar and Sabin to follow her to a backroom.

<Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, On 9:30 flight>
     Rikku and Yuna took their seats on the spaceship. It was decorated the exact same as an airplane on the inside, but the outside was a lot bulkier and used more reflective metals to cover it with no paint. 
     Rikku looked down at her seatbelt. She held either side in her hands and stared for a minute, then she started bouncing up and down pouting. "Yuuuunieeeee."
     Yuna looked up from her own seatbelt to observe Rikku's. "Yours looks the exact same as mine. I think somebody fixed this. These are confuuusing. Let's watch the people do this at the front. They'll show us how these tricky devils work."
     The doors closed and the plane began to taxi. While in slight motion, two stewards approached the front of the plane with model seatbelts. The stewards had black pants, white dress shirts, bright red ties, covered by blue vests. Both stewards were blond, one with a flattop and one with a ponytail.
     "OH HELL NO!" Rufus yelled at the stewards. "This is a load of shit. You two are supposed to be eliminated."
     "What the hell are you talking about Reginald?" Shinra asked Rufus.
     "It's Rufus, you dumb lump of Crisco. And that's them! The stewards. They're those damn brothers. They snuck on as stewards to be on this flight. That's gotta be a penalty."
     "This is how you put on a seatbelt," Sabin explained. He clicked the pieces together. "The little skinny one goes into the big fat one, and they connect."
     "That's genius!" Yuna said outloud. "But I still don't get it."
     "You're over complicating things," Edgar told them. "It really simple. Like sex. Just stick this one in that one, and that's that."
     Yuna and Rikku looked at each other and, in unison, repeated, "Oh, like sex," and successfully buckled their seatbelts.