Episode 1: Part 3

<Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in 1st>
     Auron and Jecht walked into the city of Jidoor. Auron pointed to the picture of a sword atop the building across from them, and both ran into the shop. In the corner was the clue box. Auron opened the box and pulled out the clue.
     "Roadblock," Auron said. "Who's aggressive and loud?"

<Announcer Gippal>
     "A roadblock is a task that only one person can perform. In this roadblock, the racers must make their way to the Jidoor Auction House and bid on a Jidoor crafted relic known as Cherub Down. The racers will not have to pay for the Cherub Down, but they are only allowed to bid a maximum of 10,000 GP. Instead of receiving the Cherub Down, racers will receive their next clue.

<Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in 1st>
     "This'll be simple," Jecht said. "Be back in five minutes."
     Jecht raced outside and up a set of stairs to the Jidoor Auction House. Auron followed him and waited outside the building. Jecht went in and found a seat as the first auction began.
     "Okay, here's our first item up for bid," the auctioneer said. A woman behind him came forward and dropped a box on the floor, then opened it. "Inside is... a Hero Ring. Do I hear 500 GP?"
     "Hey!" Jecht yelled out. "Get to the damn Cherub Down! Nobody here wants that shitty Hero Ring. Now come on! I got 2000 GP for your Cherub Down."
     "Do I hear 500 GP for the Hero Ring?" the auctioneer repeated.

<Tifa & Paine: Just met, Currently in 2nd>
     Tifa and Paine found the weapon shop clue box and opened the clue.
     "Aggressive and loud?" Tifa asked aloud. "I don't think either of us are, but it sounds like whatever we're going to do, we'll need to attract attention, and since I've got a bigger rack, I'll do it."
     Tifa and Paine raced off for the Jidoor Auction House. Paine waited outside with Auron while Tifa entered the Auction House. In the back corner of the room were several chairs that had been flipped over, all in the vicinity of Jecht who was on his feet screaming out obscenities. Tifa found a seat directly in front of the auctioneer.
     "Sold to this guy for 5000 GP. Take it away!" The auctioneer said as a man in the front row rejoiced and grabbed his Hero Ring and ran off. "Our next item is... Cherub Down-"
     "About friken time!" Jecht yelled. "I'll give ya 5000 GP for it."
     Tifa adjusted her shirt a bit and hiked up her mini-skirt a couple inches. "6000," she said.
     "Sev-"
     "Sold!" the auctioneer exclaimed. "Sold to the woman in the front row."
     Tifa stood up and got the next clue from the auctioneer.
     "What!?" Jecht yelled furiously from the back. He picked up a chair and chucked it at the auctioneer, but his aim was off.
     Tifa walked outside and Paine joined her in reading the clue.
     "Go to the pitstop at the the Jidoor Art House," Tifa read. "The last team to arrive may be eliminated."
     "Those tits of yours sure do work," Paine said to Tifa. "I'm starting to really like them."
     "Like you didn't right when you met me," Tifa said, running for the Jidoor Art House at the north end of the town.
     "What the hell's that supposed to mean!?" Paine yelled, chasing after her.
     Tifa ran inside the art house, closely followed by Paine. Down the hallway was a map of the world on the floor with Gippal and a fat man named Owzer standing behind it. Tifa and Paine ran to the map and stepped onto it. Paine put her arm around Tifa's neck, and Tifa did likewise.
     "Welcome to Jidoor," Owzer said.
     "Tifa and Paine," Gippal said. "You're team number one!"
     Tifa and Paine high-fived with their free hands.
     "As the winners of this leg of the race," Gippal continued, "you both have won a front row tickets to the opening blitzball games in Luca."
     Tifa looked confused. "Blitz- Hey!"
     "What?" Paine asked.
     "You touched my boob," Tifa said, pointing at Paine's hand.
     "You wish. I didn't touch anything."
     "Yeah, sure."
     "I didn't!"
     "Did so!"
     "L-ladies?" Gippal said. "Would you mind moving off the map? There's a team behind you."
     Tifa and Paine let go of each other and turned to see Auron and Jecht staring at them with their arms crossed across their chests. Tifa and Paine moved off the map and Jecht and Auron stepped on.
     "Auron and Jecht," Gippal said. "You're team number two!"
     "We shoulda been one," Jecht said. "But I can't ever hold it against a woman with a rack that size who knows how to use 'em. She'll be some competition, but that's what we came for."

<Amarant & Lani: Coworkers, Currently in 3rd>
     "Who's aggressive and loud?" Lani read. Both she and Amarant were standing by the clue box in the weapon shop. "I think I'll do it. I'm louder, aggressiver, and much cuter."
     "No," was Amarant's mind-boggling rebuttal.
     "You just want to do it because you think I'm a weak little woman, don't you? Well I'm not! I can-"
     "Shut up," Amarant butted in. "I'm doing it because you were apparently too daft to notice that this city is known for its large auction house, and I have a better chance in an auction. I have auction experience. I was a bodyguard for the Treno auction house, so I know what intimidates the auctioneer."
     "Y-yeah, but umm... But I know what makes an auctioneer horny! I should do it."
     "I'm doing it. Go wait somewhere."
     Amarant left, followed quickly by Lani. They made their way to the auction house, and while Amarant made his way inside, Lani stayed outside to talk to the locals. She saw a man walking in aimless circles down the street, so she adjusted herself and moved in to question him.
     "Hi there baby," Lani said to him. "I'm from out of this world, as if you couldn't tell by my 'out of this world' body. Will you be around tomorrow so if I need a personal tour gui- hey!"
     Amarant walked by and picked Lani up by the back of her shirt. "Come on," he said to her. "That was incredibly easy. I barely threatened him and he chickened out. I think one of the scarier teams has already been through there. Now let's go."
     "Fine, but put me down!"
     Amarant put Lani down and the two of them ran to the art house and onto the map.
     "Amarant and Lani," Gippal said.
     "Excuse me!" Lani interrupted. "It's Lani and Amarant. We wrote that on the application."
     "That's not what the application said though," Gippal replied. "I think your tall friend there must've changed it."
     Lani turned to look at Amarant, but Amarant grabbed her head and turned it forward. "Don't worry about it, just listen," Amarant said.
     "Anyways," Gippal resumed, "you're team number three!"

<Jenova & Sephiroth: Mother/Son, Currently in 4th>
     "Who's aggressive and loud?" Sephiroth read. "No, that's n- Well, I know but- Come on. You have no voi- Fine! Just lose for us then! Do the damn roadblock. I'll be waiting outside."
     Sephiroth walked outside the weapon shop and Jenova ran out behind him. She looked around as Sephiroth found a comfortable patch of wall and leaned against it. Jenova started to run south toward the chocobo stables.
     "Mother," Sephiroth said, then pointed up the stairs at the auction house. "Yeah, there you go. Oh well, I guess it's not too bad being first out."
     Sephiroth continued to lean against the weapon shop wall while Jenova ran inside the auction house. "Hey look. Everybody else is here now. We're royally screwed."

     All the other teams came running into town at about the same time. Edgar and Sabin, and Raijin and Fujin were leading the pack, while Strago and Relm, and Shinra and Rufus were bringing up the rear. All the teams with the exception of Rikku and Yuna ran into the weapon shop. Rikku and Yuna ran into the armory.

<Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently in 5th>
     "Aggressive and loud?" Edgar read. "That's me all the way baby."
     "Kick some ass bro," Sabin said.

<Raijin & Fujin: Friends, Currently in 6th>
     "They can't be serious ya know," Raijin said.
     "CAKE," Fujin said triumphantly.
     "Yeah, this'll be no problem for you ya know. Yelling out numbers at an auction. I think yelling out stuff is all you're good for anyway ya know."
     "It's not like I can't-"
     "Fujin! Now's not the time to chat ya know?"
     Fujin nodded and ran to the auction house.

<Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, Currently in 7th>
     "Wonderful play, wouldn't you say so Beatrix-dear?" Steiner asked, slowly opening the clue.
     "Steiner-honey," Beatrix said. "If you wouldn't mind, could you open the damned clue?"
     "Yes ma'am. Who's aggressive and loud?"
     "I don't know about aggressive, but you're certainly loud, so go for it hon."

<Squall & Rinoa: Dating, Currently in 8th>
     "I'm not even going to read it," Rinoa said, holding the clue out of Squall's reach. "I already know you're doing it. That's what we decided."
     "..."

<Shinra & Rufus: Father/Son, Currently in 9th>
     "Ah, here you go Fatty," Rufus said, looking down at the clue. "This will probably be the only roadblock you'll do. Now move it lardass."
     "Son," Shinra said, "one day I'm going to start physically beating you again like I did back in the day for sucking your thumb."

<Strago & Relm: Grandpa/Granddaughter, Currently in 10th>
     "I'm doing it," Relm said to Strago.
     "You sure you can?" Strago asked. "I think I should do it. I have experience in the world, and-"
     "Kiss my little white ass, I'm doing it. Out of the way geezer."

<Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, Currently in Last Place>
     "I told you it wasn't a trick Yunie," Rikku said. "Now we're probably in last. But it's okay! We'll still win it all!"
     "Right," Yuna said. "But why does this town have separate weapon and armor shops? I thought they were always together. Oh well. Rikku! This sounds like your kind of roadblock."

     The auction house was more crowded than it has ever been. The everyday auction house visitors sat in their normal seats while the eight racers chosen by their teams flooded the auction house. Almost every chair that was not broken by Jecht was taken up as Edgar, Fujin, Steiner, Squall, Shinra, Relm, and Rikku came in to see Jenova charging the auctioneer. Sadly for her, she was not being given the clue she needed, she was instead attacking the auctioneer for cheating her out of her prize she claimed she won.
     "I didn't see you," the auctioneer said. "You never made a single bid!"
     Jenova eventually took her seat directly in front of the auctioneer as the auction began.
     "Next up for bid we have... some Cherub Down. Do I hear 500?"
     "500!" Edgar shouted out.
     "1000!" Fujin yelled.
     "2000!" Relm cried out.
     "Well? How 'bout it?" the auctioneer asked Jenova. "You'll pass you say? Okay then..."
     "5000!" Rikku yelled.
     "7000!" Steiner yelled.
     "Money means nothing to me," Shinra said. "10,000!"
     "Vile cur!" Steiner yelled angrily at Shinra. "How dare you overtake my bid!?"
     "10,000, going once," the auctioneer said.
     "6000!" Squall finally piped up.
     "You serious?" Edgar asked Squall, who was sitting next to him. "You've gotta learn to keep up with conversations."
     "Going twice," the auctioneer said.
     "10,000 and sex!" Rikku screamed out at last.
     "Wait, we can bid that?" Edgar asked Squall. Squall shrugged.
     "10,000 and a stick of gum!" Relm shouted out.
     "Wait, I offered sex, that's not less than a stick of gum!" Rikku yelled at Relm.
     "With you? I'd take gum," Relm said.
     "Grr, fine! 10,000 and two sex!" Rikku said. "I mean, two at once, not two with me. I'll get my hot cousin in here and-"
     "Excuse me ladies," the auctioneer interrupted. "We only take money here, so you can stop arguing. I sold it to the fat man in red."
     Shinra stood up slowly and kind of cheered, then walked slowly to the auctioneer, took the clue, and headed outside.
     "Next up for bid we have... some more Cherub Down. Do I hear 500?"
     "10,000!" Fujin yelled.
     "Sold for 10,000!" the auctioneer said. Fujin raced up and grabbed her clue. Next up for bid we have a Hero Ring. Do I hear 1000?"
     "10,000!" Squall yelled out. "Wait, what?"
     "Sold for 10,000!" the auctioneer said.
     "Wait, what'd I buy?"
     "A Hero Ring!"
     "Oh shit."

     "Rufus and Shinra," Gippal said to the two standing on the map, "you're team number four!"
     "Nice job Fat-ass," Rufus said. "I knew you could do well, that. I don't think you've got much more in you, but good job with that one."
     "Thanks Ruddy," Shinra said. "I couldn't have done it without you."
     "Raijin and Fujin," Gippal said to the two stepping onto the map right after Rufus and Shinra stepped off, "you're team number five!"
     "Hey, that works for me ya know." Raijin said.
     "FIRST," Fujin added.
     "Yeah, it's like she says ya know? Those guys were ahead of us, so we knew we weren't first place, but this works for us ya know."

     "Bro!" Sabin yelled as Edgar came out of the Jidoor Auction House. "What took you?"
     "People started betting the full amount too quick, so we kept throwing stuff in to settle the deal," Edgar replied. "He didn't take to it at first, but now he kinda has to. First chance these people get they're yelling out 10,000. Anyway, if anyone asks, yes. That auctioneer and a few of his floozies are allowed to stay at Figaro Castle in the main chambers until we get back."
     Edgar and Sabin ran onto the map.
     "Edgar and Sabin," Gippal said, "you're team number six!"
     "That's good to hear, but wait bro," Sabin said to Edgar. "You know, this is our home planet, and not that far from our home town. We should've had first without competition."
     "You act like you forgot about the shoopuf," Edgar said.
     "Oh yeeeeah," Sabin said. "I say we buy a compass before the next leg bro."

     Sephiroth moved from the wall of the weapon shop and headed to the auction house. Directly outside the auction house was Jenova, jumping up and down happily. "You did it?" Sephiroth asked. "Did what?" He watched in amazement as Jenova pulled out a small airship. "You bought a 1/34 model of an airship. Wonderful. Where's the clue?" He leaned back against a wall slightly closer to the auction house. "Go back in and bid on the Cherub Down. Congrats on the mini-airship, but we need the clue!"
     Jenova went back inside and Sephiroth decided to pace around the auction house out of boredom, when suddenly the auction doors burst open and Rikku came running out with her clue.
     "Yunie! We got it! Let's go," Rikku said.
     "Good job Rikku!" Yuna said happily.
     "Oh by the way, when this leg is over, we need to come back here and give that auctioneer sex."
     "Okay. So where are we off to?"
     "The Jidoor Art House. Umm, where's that Yunie?"
     Yuna looked around, finally eyeing Sephiroth who was still walking in circles. "Let's ask him!"
     "Excuse us," Rikku said, getting way too close to Sephiroth's face with her own. "We're looking for the Jidoor Art House, can you help us out?"
     "You two are seriously lost?" Sephiroth asked. "Do you even know where Jidoor is?"
     "Nope, that's why we asked you!" Rikku said enthusiastically.
     "We offer se-"
     "Yunie!" Rikku grabbed Yuna's mouth. "That's a last resort," Rikku whispered to Yuna. Yuna nodded.
     "Okay, what yer gonna do," Sephiroth said, trying to act as stupid as possible, "yer gonna head out of this here city by name of Sephercity. Then yeh go bearin' north until you reach the beach. It's directly north once yeh get outa 'ere, ya can't miss it. When you hit the beach, strip down teh yer skivvies and swim out a while. Jidoor's the floatin' city, made famous for the Jidoor Art House. Once yer there, yeh can't miss it."
     "Oh super cool gravy," Rikku said, then kissed Sephiroth on the cheek. "Thanks for the directions!"
     Rikku and Yuna ran ambitiously out of the city and promptly headed north.

     Relm ran out of the auction house and found Strago.
     "I told you that gum would come in handy at some point!" Relm yelled at Strago. "Now come on, to the art house! I don't wanna miss Owzer."
     Strago and Relm took off into the art house and made their way to the map. Relm waved at Owzer.
     "Strago and Relm," Gippal said, "you're team number seven!"

     The auction door opened and Steiner walked out, clue in hand. He found Beatrix sitting on the grass by some trees.
     "M'lady," Steiner said to her. "We must go to the Jidoor Art House now." He offered his hand to her, and she took it and stood up, then the two ran hand-in-hand to the art house.
     "Steiner and Beatrix," Gippal said, "you're team number eight!"

     The next person to leave the auction house was Squall. He ran out, read the clue himself, then ran to find Rinoa. Rinoa was nowhere to be seen though. Squall looked around frantically, obviously lost in thought. Finally, Rinoa came walking out of the chocobo stables. Once she saw Squall outside, she ran quickly over to him.
     "Finally!" Rinoa said. "Come on, I already know it's the art house. Let's go."
     Rinoa and Squall ran to the art house, Rinoa ahead, constantly yelling "come on Squall"s.
     "Squall and Rinoa," Gippal said, "you're team number nine!"
     "Yay!" Rinoa said, hugging Squall. Squall patted her head a couple times supportively.

     The sky turned dark as Sephiroth waited outside for Jenova.
     "She's the last one in there," Sephiroth said to the camera. "Any minute now."
     He walked to the door and waited. The door finally swung open and a flood of people walked out.
     "Where're you all going?" Sephiroth asked them.
     "Auction house's closed for the night," a man in back responded.
     "Great," Sephiroth said sarcastically.
     "I guess the auctioneer's havin' a one-on-one with some creature in there before they close though."
Sephiroth looked around. At the very edge of the city he saw Rikku and Yuna running in, half-naked and still slightly wet from the looks of things. He opened the door and watched Jenova standing face-to-face with the auctioneer. Finally, he handed her the last clue.
     "Come on Mother! Run!" Sephiroth yelled.
     Jenova grabbed the clue and ran after Sephiroth. Rikku and Yuna had spotted Sephiroth, now with a clue in hand. They dropped their things and sprinted for the art house. Sephiroth dropped his things, picked up Jenova, and raced to the art house.

     Gippal stood waiting at the map. He looked out as the doors swung open and the team rushed forward onto the map.
     "Yuna and Rikku," he said, "you're team number ten!"
     Rikku and Yuna hugged each other happily. "You didn't doubt us, did ya Gippal?" Rikku asked.
     "Doubt the high summoner? Never. Though I was starting to sweat."

     Sephiroth stepped onto the map and dropped Jenova next to him.
     "Jenova and Sephiroth," Gippal said quietly, "you're the last team to arrive. I'm sorry to tell you, you've both been eliminated from the race."
     "I do have to hand it to those girls though," Sephiroth said. "They're dumb as hell, but they're fast! They beat me carrying Mother and they'd just ran from edge to edge of this side of this continent. I'm impressed." He looked down at Jenova. "No, I'm not impressed with you. You lost for us... No, I'm not mad. Come on, let's go home. I'll bet we're missing Sonic."