Episode 4: Part 3

     "Who's itching to win?" Sabin read.

<Announcer Gippal>
     "A roadblock is a task that only one person may perform. In this roadblock, one person must find a room full of creatures known as 'Nu.' The creatures are big, round, and blue, and each of them is in great need of a back scratching. Team members must scratch their backs until they find the Nu's scratch point, which differs from Nu to Nu.Once the Nu is satisfied, he will give them their next clue."

     "Get to it," Edgar urged Sabin. "You said you'd do it, now go."
     "Aww, Bro!" Sabin whined. "You get all the fun roadblocks! You get to drink and I have to scratch some fat thing's back."

     "Lovely," Beatrix said as she removed her gloves.
     Steiner fell to his knees and wailed loudly as his hands waved in the air. "Beatrix-dear! WHY!?"
     "I'm the one who has to do it," Beatrix said.
     "And you're twice, maybe thrice the man I am for doing such! But you don't have to do this! We'll take a penalty! We'll pray for a non-elimination leg! We-"
     "It's not that bad," Beatrix said to Steiner.
     "Don't be so modest! It's horrible! And you've taken off your gloves! You would touch such a vile creature without the aid-"
     "Fingernails help to scratch," Beatrix said as she mimicked the scratching motion in the air.
     "Oh, Beatrix, I-"
     "Steiner!" Beatrix yelled. "It isn't that bad. Now get up, give me a good luck kiss on the cheek, wish me luck, and wait for me!"
     Steiner jumped to his feet and saluted Beatrix. "Yes, ma'am." He did as he was ordered and gave her a kiss on the cheek, then wished her luck. He saluted her again as she walked into the next room with the Nus.

     Sabin had already entered the room and picked the Nu of his choice. Nus were disgusting creatures. They were giant blue balls of fat with webbed feet and arms that hung off as if they were melting off. The body was actually more like a giant head since the face covered the whole front of the creatures. They had a tuft of greenish hair, bulging eyes, and a huge mouth.
     Sabin's Nu turned and faced the wall. Now a giant glob of blue was in front of him, begging to be scratched. Suddenly it seemed like this roadblock would take a while. Sabin cracked his knuckles and went in for the bear hug style of back scratching. He reached on hand to scratch the upper left corner and one to scratch the lower right corner, then worked around in a circular fashion. He didn't expect, however, that his fingers would sink in as he rubbed the Nu. It was like massaging Jello.

     Beatrix ran inside and stretched out her fingers while she stared at the repulsiveness that was the Nus. She didn't want to waste much time though, so she found a Nu and started scratching. Her fingernails barely skimmed the skin of the Nu. She watched Sabin to see if he had any leads on the scratch point, but he was struggling just as much as she.

     Yuna and Rikku ran into Kajar and opened the clue box. Yuna read the clue slowly. "Who's itching to win?"
     "Eww, I'll bet it involves bugs," Rikku said. "I HATE bugs. You do it, Yunie."
     "Okay," Yuna said. She read through the remainder of the clue. "Oh. I just have to itch somebody else. This shouldn't be a problem."
     Yuna ran inside the room to find herself a Nu while Rikku waited outside with Steiner and Edgar.

     Raijin and Fujin ran up only seconds later and opened the clue box.
     "FAILURE," Fujin said, pointing at Rikku.
     "Yeah, it didn't work, ya know?" Raijin said. Raijin turned to the camera and quietly explained his situation. "I thought that if I just pretended to have to take a piss that they'd run off in the wrong direction, ya know?"
     "YOU," Fujin said and handed the roadblock clue to Raijin.
     "Wait, what?" Raijin read through the clue. "Aww, that's disgusting, ya know."
     Raijin headed into the room of Nu.

     All of the people attempting to complete the roadblock were working relentlessly, but to no avail. Sabin continued with his bear hug technique but was beginning to overlap his scratching areas without thoroughly checking the middle areas. Beatrix was scratching in a very precise manner, starting in the upper corner and working sideways in lines. Yuna was scratching very erratically, sometimes jumping up to scratch high points, then fall back down clawing. Raijin attempted to scratch the Nu, but after scratch he would look at his dull fingernails, then start scratching his head in thought. Finally he decided to employ the massage technique.

     The sand ran out of the timer and Auron and Jecht immediately ran off the mat and inside with Strago and Relm. Both stood proudly in front of an opened door and waved their clue at them. Auron and Jecht made a quick dash for the clue box and grabbed their clues. They started to run off when Relm started coughing accusingly.
     "What?" Jecht asked. "Follow us! Hurry up!"
     "That'll take forever," Relm said. "We're slow, remember?"
     Both Relm and Strago opened their arms widely as if expecting a hug.
     "Heh, I guess it's piggybacks then," Jecht said.
     "Fine," Auron replied. "I'll take the little girl."
     "Pedophile," Jecht mumbled.
     "Fag," Auron replied.
     Strago and Relm mounted Auron and Jecht and all four were off toward Kajar.

     Rufus and Lani ran as fast as they could to the clue box and grabbed their clues. Then both had to wait on their slower teammates that were currently engaged in a heated debate.
     "I think not," Shinra said to Amarant. "My building's defenses are impenetrable. I don't think you could break in."
     "I could," Amarant said. "Nothing stands in my way."
     "Hey! Fatso! Hurry the hell up!" Rufus yelled. "He could defeat your defenses. All he has to do is take the damn stairs. You never guard those damn things. Now will you hurry up so I can open this clue?"
     Shinra and Amarant exchanged glances, then both broke into slight jogs toward the clue box. Rufus and Lani ripped open the clues.
     "Who's itching to win?" Rufus asked.
     Amarant walked to the door and looked inside at the team members doing the roadblock. Rufus joined him to see what they were in for.
     "It's all yours, Tubs," Rufus said to Shinra.
     Shinra nodded and ran inside the room. He looked at the Nus as the teams scratched vigorously. "No problem," Shinra said. He lit a cigar and walked inside.
     "I guess it's my turn in the rotation," Lani said. "Stupid gay son of a-"
     "I'll do it," Amarant volunteered. "You can do the next one."
     "Thanks, Red," Lani said. "But why?"
     Amarant didn't answer. Instead he just walked inside and got to work on his Nu.

     Yuna looked up at her Nu and noticed a spot she hadn't been itching. It was the top middle section and it was very high up. The Nu was a lot taller than she, so she stood the tips of her toes and reached as high as she could. Her body started to press up against the Nu's back as she used him for leverage. She started bouncing up and down to reach the Nu and as she bounced her chest slid up and down on his back. The Nu's eyes shot open as a smile quickly formed on his face. Yuna stepped away from the Nu to adjust her shirt, which was only seconds away from exposing her chest to the viewing public. The Nu turned around with a goofy expression on its face. It handed Yuna the clue.
     Yuna took the clue and bowed. "Thank you."
     The Nu winked at her.
     Yuna ran out of the room and was quickly joined by Rikku.
     "All right, Yunie!" Rikku cheered. They moved to a corner of the room and ripped open the clue.
     "Make your way to the-" Yuna looked up from reading the clue with an excited look on her face. "-the pitstop at the Blackbird Airport! Warning: the last team to check in may be eliminated."

<Announcer Gippal>
     "Teams just make their way only a short distance away to the Blackbird Airport. Next to a model of the great Blackbird is the pitstop for this leg of the race. The last team to check in here, may be eliminated."

     "Psst, Yunie!" Rikku whispered to Yuna. "Your shirt's about to pop open."
     Yuna quickly grabbed her shirt and held it together. "I think I broke my top's clasp on that Nu."
     "Oh, I see," Rikku nudged Yuna.
     Yuna gasped. "Rikku!"
     "I'm kidding!" Rikku said. "Come on! Let's not give up our lead."
     "Right!"
     Both Yuna and Rikku ran out of Kajar in search of the Blackbird Airport.

     "Ooh!" Shinra's Nu said.
     Shinra was only scratching with one hand while he held his cigar with the other. He scratched the Nu just slightly above the direct middle. "I know," Shinra said to the Nu. "I can't get enough of it when people scratch me there. I haven't reached that spot in years, and even rubbing up against a wall doesn't work for that spot."
     "Phew," the Nu said as he turned around. "Thanks," he said as he handed Shinra the clue.
     Shinra walked out and found Rufus leaning up against a wall.
     Rufus pushed off of the wall and walked with Shinra. "So. Fat creatures all have mutual scratch points?"
     "Damn straight," Shinra said. "And I'm not going to open this clue until you do."
     "Pardon?" Rufus asked.
     Shinra turned his back to Rufus and pointed. Rufus sighed, then started scratching.
     "Ahh, there ya go," Shinra said. "Okay, let's go." He opened the clue. "Pitstop. Let's hurry."

     Beatrix scratched her Nu continuously. She finally scratched on the middle right side of the Nu, when suddenly the Nu started sweating out a purplish goo. A roadblock advisor ran over to Beatrix as quickly as he could and pulled her away.
     "What'd I do!?" Beatrix demanded.
     "You went too far around," the advisor said. "You weren't scratching his back anymore, but instead his side."
     "So?"
     "So if you scratch their sides it umm, sexually arouses them. See that goo?"
     "OH GOD!" Beatrix yelled, cupping a hand over her mouth. She ran out of the camera's view while the attendant started to prod the Nu with an electric stick. The Nu went down and the room fell quiet while all the racers had briefly stopped to watch the events unfolding, including Beatrix vomitting in the corner of the room.
     Beatrix finally cleaned herself up and found a new Nu.

     Auron and Jecht ran inside Kajar with Relm and Strago on their backs. Relm and Strago dropped down and grabbed their clue just before Auron and Jecht were able to grab their own.
     "They're crafty," Auron said as he grabbed the last clue in the box.
     "Heh, I hate 'em," Jecht said. "They'll be the end of us, I can tell."
     "I'm itching to win!" Relm shouted as she darted off inside the room.
     "I'm not doing it," Auron said sternly.
     "Fine fine," Jecht said. "You never do anything. So damn boring. I think I know why I had to volunteer for the whole Final Aeon thing."
     "*beep* off," Auron said calmly. His hand was thrust out toward Jecht, but his hand was blurred out.
     "I'm going," Jecht said as he walked to the room.

     Gippal stood in front of the pitstop mat with a man in an orange cape beside him. The man was Dalton; the captain of the Blackbird. A team approached the mat and Gippal pointed at them. Yuna and Rikku hopped onto the mat. Yuna held her top together with one hand and held Rikku's hand nervously with the other.
     "Welcome to Zeal!" Dalton said.
     "Thank you," Yuna and Rikku said to him, then looked over to Gippal.
     "Yuna and Rikku," Gippal said, "you're team number one!"
     Yuna and Rikku threw their arms up and cheered wildly. Gippal's eyes grew wide while they cheered. His eyes kept darting to Yuna's face, then lower, then back to her face. Yuna and Rikku slowed their cheering. Rikku followed Gippal's gaze to Yuna's exposed top.
     "Gippal!" Rikku yelled.
     "Wha- I umm, I was just going to tell her!" Gippal said in response.
     Yuna stared blankly at Gippal. "Tell me what?"
     "High Summoner Yuna," Gippal said formally, but his formality quickly deteriorated. "While they are top notch and it pains me to inform you, your jugs have popped clean out of your shirt. I would advise you to hide them before the cameraman decides to circle around and get a view from the front."
     "Oh please don't!" Rufus yelled as he and Shinra approached the mat.
     Yuna fixed herself and held her shirt together as she and Rikku stepped off the mat to make way for the Shinras.
     "Welcome to Zeal!" Dalton said.
     "Shinra and Rufus," Gippal said. "You're team number two!"
     "Awesome," Rufus said. "These ladies must be our prize."
     "Hey wait a minute!" Rikku protested. "How come they get a prize and we don't?"
     "Now that hurts," Rufus said.
     "No no no," Rikku said. "I didn't mean it that way. You're hella fine. I just don't get why we don't have a prize!"
     "Sorry," Gippal said. "Epoch Interdimentional is a bunch of cheapskates that didn't want to sponsor a prize."
     "Damn," Rikku muttered. "Oh well. I guess he'll have to do then," she said, pointing at Rufus. "Come on, cutie."
     Rufus's eyes shot wide open and he immediately pushed past Shinra and put his arms around Yuna and Rikku.

     "Ooh," Sabin's Nu grunted. He turned around and handed Sabin a clue.
     "Thank God!" Sabin yelled. "My knuckles were about to give out."
     Sabin ran out of the room and found Edgar. Both took off for the pitstop.

     Amarant ran his giant hands down the Nu's back. His hands were extremely large and therefore covered a large surface area at once. Everytime he passed a certain point the Nu twitched, so Amarant focused his scratching on that area.
     "Ooh," the Nu said as he handed Amarant the clue.

     A short time later, Edgar and Sabin ran up to Gippal at the pitstop.
     "Edgar and Sabin," Gippal said, "you're team number three!"
     Edgar and Sabin both stood relatively still and silent.
     Finally Edgar started to shake his head. "It was a horrible roadblock I guess. I could've sworn we were a few hours ahead, but Sabin's Nu was being a bastard. I know I wasn't doing the roadblock, but from here it looked like those Nus were harder to stimulate than-"

     Amarant and Lani ran onto the mat and faced Gippal.
     "Amarant and Lani," Gippal said, "you're team number four!"
     "Wait a damn minute," Lani said. "You're telling me that those Shinras didn't get a penalty for locking us in that room!?"
     "They did actually," Gippal informed Lani. "Still, the penalty was only twenty minutes and it really didn't affect their position."
     "That's pure crap," Lani muttered.

     The four teams on the roadblock continued to try new strategies on their Nus. Jecht poked at his while laughing and saying "you like that, don't you bitch," over and over. Relm was scratching hers and shooting the breeze like a beautician. Raijin was attempting to coax his into handing it over by playing with its self-esteem. Beatrix, however, feared doing anything wrong and continued to scratch his back.

     "Heh heh," Jecht laughed. He poked the Nu over and over until finally it made a noise. "Wait, what'd you say?"
     Jecht began furiously scratching the spot that he'd gotten a reaction out of his Nu.
     "Ooh," it said, then gave Jecht his clue.

     Beatrix's Nu stood completely still as Beatrix scratched him, when suddenly he muttered a content, "Ooh!"
     Beatrix responded with a petrified shriek as she dove out of the way, hoping to avoid getting more Nu juice on her hands. The Nu walked to her as she lied on the floor, then it handed her the clue.
     "Oh, thanks," Beatrix said.

     "Such an interesting monster," Relm said to her Nu. "I wish my life was as exciting as yours, but my man walked out on me. He was great. Tall, dark, handsome. He kept yelling at me with things like, 'Stop it! I think you're my daughter' or something. Men will say anything, won't they?"
     "Ooh!" Relm's Nu said. It turned and gave her the clue.

     "Come on, baby," Raijin encouraged the Nu. "Now listen, all you've gotta do to get with a lady Nu is walk up to her with confidence and be all, 'hey girl, wanna head back to my place,' ya know?"
     "Ooh!" the Nu said.
     He turned around and handed Raijin the clue, then shook Raijin's hand and winked. Slightly creeped out, Raijin headed out of the room at almost the same time as everybody else.
     In the main room all the teams were picking up their things and running out. Beatrix and Steiner left first. Auron and Jecht started to leave, when suddenly Relm and Strago both jumped onto their backs unexpectedly.
     "You've gotta be kidding," Jecht said.
     They held their alliance strong and ran off with Relm and Strago on their backs.
     Fujin ran at Raijin and chucked his backpack into his chest. He caught the backpack.
     "MOVE!" Fujin yelled.
     Fujin and Raijin ran out of the room as quickly as they could.

     Gippal waited at the mat as the next team approached and stepped onto the mat.
     "Steiner and Beatrix," Gippal said, "you're team number five!"
     Steiner and Beatrix started to hug, but suddenly more teams were running for the mat so they saved their celebration and moved aside honorably.

     Auron and Jecht ran inside first with Strago and Relm on their backs and Fujin and Raijin only a couple steps behind them. They were almost at the mat, when suddenly Auron and Jecht stopped and hopped backwards, knocking Strago and Relm onto the floor behind them. Fujin and Raijin raced past Auron and Jecht.

     "Fujin and Raijin," Gippal said, "you're team number six!"
     "Thank God, ya know?" Raijin said. "That was a tough leg."

     "Auron and Jecht," Gippal said, "you're team number seven!"
     "Yeah, we know," Auron said.
     "What happened to your alliance over there?" Gippal asked.
     "They should know us better," Auron said. "We're in this for competition. They aren't competition."
     "Heh, besides, it's fun to personally knock teams out," Jecht said.

     Relm and Strago finally walked onto the mat and faced Gippal.
     "Strago and Relm," Gippal said, "you're the last team to arrive. I'm sorry to tell you you've both been eliminated from the race."
     "Well I guess this was the way to go," Relm said. "My plan completely backfired on me. I guess I tried to play too many teams, and finally a team played me."
     "This girl's just too damn persistent," Strago said with tears forming in his eyes. "Even with an old son-of-a-bitch like me on her team she managed to beat out some damn hard competition. I'm so proud of her."
     Relm started getting flustered, but suddenly pushed Strago to stop him from talking. "Oh stop it you old Fuddy Duddy! Save it for the Early Show. I can't wait to talk to that Baralai guy. He's foxy!"