Episode 5: Part 1

<Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, 1st to depart: 4:29 am>
     Yuna ripped open the clue. "Fly to Nobilia in the world of Evermore."

<Announcer Gippal>
     "Teams must now travel to the mystical land of Evermore; a land that splices different times and locations as determined by a group of people from the small city of Podunk, U.S.A. Teams must make their way to the city of Nobilia, a land of togas and gladiators."

<Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, Currently in 1st place>
     "We have 1200 jewels for this leg," Yuna said.
     "Let's do it!" Rikku said.
     "But Rikku! We're cousins!" Yuna said, a bit caught off guard.
     "No no no! I mean let's go! Let's win!"
     Yuna heaved a relieved sigh. "Right! Let's go!"
     The two searched through the airport until they finally came upon the one ticket counter. A sign on the window said 'Hours of Operation: 6:00 am - 11:00 pm.' Yuna and Rikku both sat down and leaned back against the ticket booth, ensuring their spot as first in line.
     "Bummer," Rikku said. "There goes our lead."
     Yuna nodded. "But at least we're still in the lead!"
     "Yeah!" Rikku said. "W-wait, what?"

<Shinra & Rufus: Father/Son, 2nd to depart: 4:51 am>
     Rufus carefully opened the clue while Shinra lit up a cigar that he'd been keeping in his breast pocket. No case, just a cigar that looked like it might have already been lit up once before.
     "The hell are you doing?" Rufus asked Shinra.
     "Waiting for the ticket counter to open," Shinra said. "It's 4:50 in the morning. They won't be open."
     "Fine, whatever. Just keep that nasty thing away from me. It smells like nasty and chicken."

<Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, 3rd to depart: 5:16 am>
     Sabin opened the clue. "Fly to Evermore."
     "Evermore, why does that ring a bell?" Edgar asked himself. He started stroking his chin while he tried to think.
     "B-Bro?"
     "OH! Heh, I remember now," Edgar said. "Man, she was hot. Okay, let's go, Sabin."
     "Bro, you're crazy," Sabin said. "What's that all about?"
     "Long story, don't worry about it. Now hurry up or we'll lose our lead."

<Amarant & Lani: Coworkers, 4th to depart: 5:24 am>
     "Now remember, Red, this roadblock is mine," Lani said as she opened the clue. "You did two in a row so that means I should do tw-"
     "Shut up and read the clue," Amarant said.
     "Okay okay," Lani said. She looked down at the clue. "Beat the shit out of Amarant and explain that you should do two in a row because he did-"
     "I'll be in the airport when you're done," Amarant said. He started walking toward the ticket counter with the other teams.

<Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, 5th to depart: 5:42 am>
     Beatrix fumbled with the clue. Her hands were shaking as she attempted to open the clue.
     "Beatrix-dear," Steiner said calmly. "Are you concerned with the Nu-"
     Beatrix ripped the clue in half. "Dammit!"
     "It's okay, Beatrix-dear. We'll just follow the other teams for now." Steiner threw his arm around Beatrix and walked with her to the ticket counter.

<Raijin & Fujin: Friends, 6th to depart: 5:54 am>
     Raijin read the already opened clue. "Evermore, ya know. Never heard of it."
     "GO," Fujin ordered Raijin.
     The two quickly headed for the ticket counter.

<Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, 7th to depart: 5:55 am>
     Auron held the clue and both he and Jecht watched as Raijin and Fujin ran for the ticket counter. "Evermore in Nobilia," Auron said.
     "Ya know, I'm starting to regret keeping those two around," Jecht said. "They're gonna knock us out of this, I know it."
     "Hmm, scared?" Auron teased.
     "Hell no! But let's get to the damn ticket counter already!"

     The ticket counter opened up promptly at 6:23 am. Yuna and Rikku stood at the counter and tried their best to flirt with the woman behind the counter for better plane tickets, forgetting the fact that the woman behind the counter was not in the slightest bit interested in women.
     "Hi there," the ticket worker said. She was a large dark-skinned woman with long pink hair. It looked very odd and unnatural. "Can I help you?"
     "Hey, babe," Rikku said. "We need the BEST tickets you have to get to Nobilia in Evermore!"
     "The best?"
     "The bestest of the best!" Rikku said.
     "What the hell are the 'best' tickets? The most comfortable?"
     "Oh yes, please!" Yuna piped in.
     "No no, the fastest!" Rikku said. "We need the fastest plane and we'll do anything to get them!"
     "Anything, eh?" the ticket woman said suspiciously. "Okay then, if you'll get me a candy bar from the snack machine, I'll get you tickets into Nobilia at 7:04 tomorrow morning!"
     "That's the fastest flight?" Rikku said.
     "Sure is!" the ticket woman said.
     "We'll take 'em!" Yuna and Rikku yelled.
     Rikku ran to the vending machines and bought a candy bar while Yuna grabbed their tickets. After giving the candy bar to the ticket lady, both left to head to the terminal.

     "Hey," Rufus said, walking up to the ticket booth. "Did you really give them the fastest plane to Evermore?"
     "I sure did!" the ticket woman said. "Technically, I gave them the slowest one too. There's only one plane in this whole place, so wherever people want to go is where we're headed."
     "I see," Rufus said. "Well then, print out a shitload of 'em. I'll just pass 'em out."

<Announcer Gippal>
     "All teams are now traveling to Nobilia, Evermore via the Blackbird from Zeal."

The Blackbird landed just outside the city of Nobilia. There was a large desert that extended out in every direction. At the entrance to a city surrounded in large gray bricks was a clue box, which all teams quickly ran to. Raijin was the first to reach the clue.

<Raijin & Fujin: Friends, Currently in 1st>
     Raijin tore open the clue. "Roadblock, ya know. Who's ready to shop?"

<Announcer Gippal>
     "A roadblock is a task that only one team member may perform. In this roadblock, one team member must enter the market and purchase the Ruby Heart. While this may seem like a fairly easy task, the Ruby Heart requires several other objects in order to make the trade. Teams must figure out the most cost and time efficient methods to complete the task. Once they purchase the Ruby Heart, the man behind the counter will give them their next clue."

     "ME," Fujin said.
     "All right," Raijin said. "Afterall, you're our master debater, ya know?"

     "It's a roadblock! It's mine!" Lani screamed before even opening the clue.
     "Good. Hurry up," Amarant said.

     "Who's ready to shop?" Jecht read. "Heh. Like I can shop. I don't even wear a shirt for Christ's sake. You do it, Auron. You love to shop, right?"
     "I've worn the same thing for the last ten years or so," Auron replied. "But fine. I'll do it."

     "You've got this one, Bro," Sabin said. "Maybe they'll even give you discounts or something!"
     "We can only hope, Sabin," Edgar said.

     "SHOPPING!" Yuna and Rikku cried out happily.
     "Only one of us?" Rikku said sadly. "Aww. Who'll do it?"
     "You can do it, Rikku," Yuna said, patting Rikku on the back. 
     "Yes!" Rikku yelled. "Thank you, Yunie!"

     "Shopping, Beatrix," Steiner said. "You want me to do it while you rest, or-"
     "Adelbert," Beatrix said softly. "Nobody gets between a woman and her shopping! It's mine!"

     "I can bargain like anything," Shinra said. "I'll do it."
     "Like hell you will!" Rufus yelled. "I've done one roadblock so far, and I'd rather not think about that one. This is all mine."
     "Fine, make yourself useful, Rodney."

     Fujin was the first inside the market, and this was one hell of a market. There were booths set up everywhere and people shouting out their store's items at the top of their lungs. Fujin smiled, since she knew she'd fit right in here. She ran inside and listened for anyone that might be shouting out 'Ruby Heart' but couldn't hear any. Soon enough, the other roadblockers had all followed her inside. Each of them tried a different route to find the Ruby Heart booth.

     "Baby, you stole my heart and now I need a ruby one," Edgar said to a female merchant surrounded in ceramic pots.
     The merchant looked at him funnily. "You know what you need, loverboy? A ceramic pot! They go wonderfully on any mantel and sometimes I don't clean them out and they sometimes come with surprises inside! And they're on sale for only two bags of rice each!"

     "You look like you're looking for a nice souvenir," a market man said to Lani. "If there's one thing you NEED to bring home, let it be the Golden Jackal. It's so cheap. Only five jars of spice or two chickens!"
     "Shut up, I don't need that," Lani said. "I need a Ruby Heart. Where can I get one?"
     "The spice vendor is just northeast of here or the chicken lady is slightly south. Pick some up and get your Golden Jackal today!"
     "No, a Ruuuuuby Heart!"
     "Golden Jackal you say? You've got it ma'am! Only five bags of spice or two chickens!"
     "You're lucky there's a hefty penalty for killing people," Lani said as she continued down a chain of vendors in search of the Ruby Heart booth.

     "Hey there pretty lady!" a vendor yelled at Rikku. "You need to take home this ancient Ruby Heart!"
     "Yes! I need that! Totally!" Rikku yelled at the vendor. "How much you want for it?"
     "I'd settle for a Moxa Stick or a tapestry, jeweled scarab, and a limestone tablet!"
     "Gah! Where do I get those!?"
     "Do we have a deal?"
     "Okay okay, I've gotta get all those things. Lemme write 'em down." Rikku pulled out a marker and wrote the necessary items on her arm. "Okay, I'll be RIGHT back."

     "So what do you sell?" Rufus asked a man at the front of the market.
     "Heed my warning! Heed the warning of the goats!" the bearded prophet cried out.
     "Nothing I take it?"
     "011010011!"
     "Hello?"
     "Someone is watching over us... Controlling us! It's true!"
     "This guy is nuts," Rufus said as he moved on to a nearby booth.

     "A Moxa Stick?" Beatrix asked. "What's that?"
     "It's a wonderful item that raises the effectiveness of your healing alchemy! And it can be yours for just two chickens, a jeweled scarab, and twelve jars of spice!"
     "You know, I could really use something like that," Beatrix said. "If I happen to find those while I search for this Ruby Heart, I'll come back."

     "Ruby Heart?" Auron asked a vendor.
     "Golden Jackal?" the vendor replied.
     Auron moved on to the next vendor. "Ruby Heart?" 
     "The Ruby Heart is nice, but you need one of these Annihilation Amulets! And I'd let it go for say, thirty bags of rice. What do you say?"
     "No."
     "Ohh, come on. I'll let it go for fifteen even! Fifteen!"
     "No."
     "God, you're shrewd. How about three amulets for one bag of rice!?"
     Auron found an empty bag lying on the ground, so he bent down and picked it up, then tossed random things he found in the ground into it and tied the top. "Here." He handed the bag to the man and grabbed three Annihilation Amulets. "Thanks."

     "Hi," Beatrix said to a woman behind a counter. "I need rice. A lot of rice."
     "I'll give you one bag of rice for 3 jewels each! How many do you want? Five? Ten? Twenty?"
     "Seventy," Beatrix ordered. "Just to be safe."
     "But I-"
     "Do I LOOK like I want people to be messed with today!? Give me the damn rice!"
     The woman handed Beatrix seventy bags of rice and took the 210 jewels from her.

     "Yeah, two chickens," Auron said sternly. "The Ruby Heart guy said I need a Moxa Stick or some other crap. Then the Moxa Stick guy wants two chickens."
     A woman with a giant pen full of chickens stared at Auron for a moment. "That's not the problem though. I told you I need two bags of rice and a jar of spice. I don't want jewels."
     "Dammit, fine," Auron said, pulling spice out of his jacket. I needed this spice too, but I guess I'll have to get more."
     Auron gave the woman four bags of rice and two jars of spice and took his two chickens. He carried them in either of his hands and carried them both by their legs. They hung upside down, clucking loudly. "Jeweled scarabs had better be cheap. I don't want to keep carrying these chickens around. Does he want the chickens alive?" he asked himself.

     Rikku ran to a booth huffing and wheezing. She had words all over her arms, her legs, and her torso. All were products found in the market and the quantity she needed. "Okay, you said the limestone tablet was four jars of spice and a set of beads, right?"
     "Two beads actually," The Limestone Tablet vendor said.
     Rikku looked as if she was going to cry. "Dammit! I've been running around here for like an hour now! Fine, I'll go get another thing of beads."

     "I do NOT want a damn Centurion Cape!" Lani yelled at a woman behind a counter. "If you ask me about that cape one more time, I will cut your friken head off!"
     "But you keep asking me what I sell," the woman said politely.
     "YOU ALL LOOK ALIKE!" Lani yelled. "Geez. Why does the Flamer always get the good roadblocks?"

     "Thank you very much," a vendor said to Beatrix. "Here's your Moxa Stick."
     "Thank you," Beatrix said, saluting the man. "I'll put it to good use."
     Beatrix ran to a booth not far from the Moxa Stick booth where the Ruby Heart sat.
     "Hi, I need the Ruby Heart," Beatrix said.
     "It can be yours for either the Moxa Stick or a limestone tablet, a jeweled scarab, and a tapestry."
     "Oh, ALL of them!?" Beatrix said. She pulled a jeweled scarab out of her pocket. "S-so I also need a limestone tablet and a tapestry?"
     "Right. Or just a Moxa Stick."
     "Oh. Done," Beatrix said, chucking the Moxa stick at the vendor.
     "Here's your Ruby Heart. Use it wisely." He handed Beatrix the Ruby Heart and the next clue.
     Beatrix took the Ruby Heart and the clue and ran out side with them. The team members that were not doing the roadblock were sitting against the wall, dying in the heat of the desert. When Steiner saw Beatrix, he jumped up and ran to her.
     "Good job, Beatrix-dear!" Steiner said enthusiastically.
     "Thanks. That shopping trip made me feel so much better," Beatrix said. She ripped open the next clue. "Fast-forward," she read.

<Announcer Gippal>
     "This is the first of three predetermined fast-forwards. With a fast-forward, teams can follow a set of instructions and bypass all remaining obstacles in the leg and go straight to the pitstop. However, teams can only use the fast-forward once, so they must decide when it's most advantageous to use it. In this fast-forward, teams must search the seemingly endless desert for a specific oasis with a man that can teach the 'Sting' alchemy spell. Once they find him, he will give them their next clue."

     "What do you think?" Steiner asked Beatrix. 
     "No thanks," Beatrix said, looking out into the swirling heat of the desert.
     "Thank goodness, "Steiner said. "I was going to let you decide, but I really didn't want to do that. So what do we do?"
     Beatrix opened the normal clue that came with the fast-forward option. "Make your way to Crustacia."

<Announcer Gippal>
     "Teams must now cross the desert via the skeleton boatman by obtaining an annihilation amulet from the marketplace as payment for the skeleton boatman. Once across, teams must travel through a short cave until they find the pirate city of Crustacia."

     Steiner and Beatrix ran inside to the man with Annihilation Amulets. 
     "Excuse us," Steiner said to the man. "We would like to purchase one of your amulets."
     "Thirty bags of rice please," the man said.
     "I only have seventeen," Beatrix said.
     "Oh, sorry. It's thirty. You'll need more."
     "Darn. We don't have that kind of money anymore. Oh well. I guess we don't need it."
     "Wait wait wait, okay, fine. You have seventeen? Well how about that! We just had a markdown, and now it only costs seventeen bags of rice for one!"
     "Perfect!" Beatrix said as she made the exchange. "What a dumbass," she said to Steiner as they ran outside to find the skeleton boatman.

     "Spice?" a vendor asked Fujin.
     "TWELVE," Fujin replied.
     "Two hundred forty."
     Fujin handed him the jewels in exchange for the jars of spice and ran quickly to the Moxa Stick vendor.
     "STICK," Fujin said to him, handing him all the required objects.
     "Thanks," the vendor said.
     Fujin ran behind the booth to the Ruby Heart stand.
     "HEART," she demanded.
     "What d-"
     "STICK."
     "Thanks."
     Fujin took the Ruby Heart and the clue and ran outside, collecting Raijin. 
     Raijin jumped to his feet and clapped his hands together. "Good job, Fuge."
     Fujin opened the clue. "FAST-FORWARD."
     "Looks pretty tough, ya know? But what the hell. Let's do it."
     Fujin and Raijin started immediately as they ran full speed into the desert in search of a tiny oasis. They only hoped that luck was with them.

     "Howdy, Captain," a skeleton in a wooden rowboat said to Steiner and Beatrix.
     "Wow, they sure were literal with the skeleton boatman thing," Beatrix said.
     "Beatrix, please!" Steiner said. "He was talking to me: Captain Adelbert Steiner of the Knights of Pluto."
     "No, he wasn't. Let's go, hurry up."
     "Have an Annihilation Amulet?" the skeleton said.
     "We do," Steiner said.
     "Cool. Hop aboard, skipper."
     Steiner and Beatrix boarded the boat by a small wooden plank and sat in the back of the boat. Within a few seconds, the skeleton started rowing, and sure enough they began to hover over the desert and head for the other side as the skeleton started to give them the tour across the desert.

     "The other people got the chickens last, didn't they?" Auron said to the jeweled scarab vendor.
     "The what?" he asked.
     "Never mind. Just put the damn thing in my mouth."
     The vendor placed the jeweled scarab in Auron's mouth as Auron slowly walked toward the Moxa Stick booth with a chicken in each hand, a jeweled scarab in his mouth, and twelve jars of spice balancing on his back while he walked carefully, making sure to keep his back as horizontal as possible.

     "I thought it was a tablet," Rufus said as he took a rather large chunk of limestone off the booth. As he slid it off, it started plummeting to the ground, but he finally supported it enough just before it crushed his hands against the floor. He let out a loud cry of pain. The kind that people make when they throw their backs out. "This isn't a tablet at all. This is a rock."
     "Have a nice day, sir," the vendor said.
     "Bite my ass," Rufus said. He picked the rock up to his chest and started walking quickly back to the Ruby Heart booth.

     "There ya go," Rikku said as she dropped off the tapestry, the limestone tablet, and the jeweled scarab.
     "And here you go," the vendor said, handing her the Ruby Heart and the clue.
     Rikku ran outside and collected Yuna.
     "Good job, Rikku!" Yuna said. "You're like, some sort of professional shopper!"
     "I know!" Rikku said. "I'm like, some sort of professional shopper!"
     "Totally!" Yuna said.
     They both read through the fast-forward and looked up at each other.
     "That's a bad idea," Yuna said. "We're horrible with directions. We might find the oasis, but we'd just get lost getting back."
     "Good idea. Let's go get an Annihilation Amulet."

     "There!" Edgar said, putting the tapestry, the limestone tablet, and two jeweled scarabs onto the Ruby Heart booth.
     "We only need one jeweled scarab," the vendor said.
     "Oh! Sorry about that. That one's mine actually. It's a chick magnet."
     "What do you mean?"
     "Well, chicks hate bugs, right? But if you get them a bunch of jewels that look like a bug, they're suddenly drawn to it. Don't ask me why, but it works. Well, I think it will anyway." Edgar clasped the jeweled scarab onto his collar, then took his Ruby Heart and the clue. He raced outside and found Sabin. Both read through the fast-forward, leaving Edgar in a difficult position.
     "What's the matter, Bro?" Sabin asked.
     "I'm torn. See, I'm a cunning navigator of deserts and could probably find that oasis in no time flat."
     "So why are you torn?"
     "I've been a king too long. I'm also extremely lazy and I'd rather just take the boat thing."
     "Well, I'm all for the boat actually," Sabin said. "I've been sitting out here for a while, and I'm really hot."
     "Welcome to my world," Edgar said. "Come on. Let's get an Annihilation Amulet."

     "God what a WASTE OF TIME!" Lani said as she walked outside to get Amarant. She had the Ruby Heart and the clue with her.
     "What?" Amarant asked. He really didn't care for an answer and was mostly trying to distract her while he read through the fast-forward and the clue.
     "Well I got tired of shopping, so I just offered sexual favors to the Moxa Stick guy. Turns out that guy is kinky as hell and it takes him forever to-"
     "Let's get the Annihilation Amulet," Amarant said as he marched inside.
     "The what? Red? Hey! Wait up!"

     Auron came outside with the Ruby Heart and clue and found Jecht.
     "What took ya?" Jecht said. He stretched out as he stood up. "I was about to come in after ya. The hell happened?"
     "I got my chickens too early," Auron said.
     "Right. It's probably best that you don't tell me what that means. Now come on, let's go!"
     "Fast-forward?" Auron asked Jecht.
     "Nah, we might need it later. Let's just go normal for now."
     "Good idea. Besides, I've already got an Annihilation Amulet. Or three."
     "Sweet, let's go!" Jecht said.

     Rufus lugged the giant limestone tablet up to the Ruby Heart booth and heaved it onto the booth. The vendor scooted forward and examined the limestone tablet.
     "Would you just give me the damn Heart already?" Rufus demanded.
     "Certainly," the vendor said. "I was just wondering why you decided to bring me fourteen limestone tablets."
     "FOURTEEN!?" Rufus yelled. "He said it was only one!"
     "Oh, damn, they got stuck together again, didn't they?" the vendor said. "Well, you can peel these thirteen off and take 'em with you."
     "No! I don't want them! Just give me the Ruby Heart!"
     Rufus grabbed the Heart and the clue from the vendor and ran outside.
     "Hurry the hell up, Fatass!" Rufus yelled at Shinra.
     Shinra stood up and read through the clue and fast-forward with Rufus.
     "So what took you?" Shinra asked.
     "Don't ask, let's just go. Fast-forward?"
     "No," Shinra said. "Raijin and Fujin are already going for the fast-forward. We won't beat them to it, and if we tried for it we'd just be out of the race."
     "You were actually paying attention. I'm impressed."
     "Thanks, Larry."
     "Larry!?"

     Fujin and Raijin walked through the desert looking in every possible direction. Tumbleweeds and spiders kept finding their way to Fujin, but she usually broke them into tiny pieces.
     "I'm not seein' much of anything, ya know?" Raijin said. "Maybe we shouldn't've done this fast-forward, ya know?"
     "OASIS!" Fujin yelled. She pointed into the distance where there was a glimmer of light from a small pond.
     Fujin and Raijin ran full speed to the glimmering light and found exactly what they thought they'd found. An oasis.
     "Hey, Fuge? There's supposed to be a dude here, ya know?" Raijin said.
     "WRONG," Fujin said.
     "Dammit. Wrong oasis, ya know?"
     "REST."
     "Yeah. We need to take a break in here. It's too damn hot, ya know?"

     Steiner and Beatrix ran into Crustacia. The pirate town was compromised of the back of a ship that had probably crashed into a giant mountain. A series of stairs and pulley systems seemed to manage this city. Steiner led Beatrix to the clue box that was at the base of the ship.
     Beatrix pulled out the clue. "Detour: Guide or Glide."