Episode 8: Part 2

     "Thank you," Beatrix said, retrieving the clue from the doctor. 
     Rufus then handed his bags to the doctor and received his clue. "Enemies again now, right?" Rufus asked her.
     "We shall see. It will depend on how things progress this leg. We would like certain others eliminated and if you remain there is a greater chance of this."
     "I'm going to assume you want Auron and Jecht gone since his injury..."
     "Them more than others, yes."
     "Yeah, okay. But speaking of others, I have to run," Rufus said, darting to the door.

     "Thank you, strange green creature," Yuna said, patting the small creature on the head. It smiled and stared down her shirt. She carried her bags of Memory and Surprise into the town square, then suddenly looked around. "Where was that laboratory again?"
     "Yuna!" came a distant cry from the north. Yuna looked up and saw Rufus yelling and waving her over with a clue in his hands.
     "Oh thank goodness," Yuna said. She jogged to the laboratory and promptly hugged Rufus. "Thank you so so much!"
     "Later, just get your clue on," Rufus said.
     Yuna ran inside just as Beatrix came out. She looked at Rufus for a moment, then ran to where Steiner was waiting.
     "What took so long!?" Steiner asked Beatrix. "That deceiving whore Lani finished before you and started later. What did you two do that delayed you so much?"
     "She played that very smartly," Beatrix said. "She's more cunning than she appears."
     "She is not cunning!" Steiner said, jumping up and down. "She would not know intelligence if it were stabbed into her chest! And yet she still managed-"
     "Just what are you accusing me of?" Beatrix asked as she quickly became defensive.
     "I don't mean to accuse you of anything -especially of you- but Mr. Shinra Jr. has already smooth talked his way into a more than professional alliance and I fear he is smooth talking his way into another and we do not need any assistance from his type!"
     "Nothing happened between us!" Beatrix said a bit too loudly. "We only worked together to pull ahead. Our idea failed, but if we remain true to our alliance, the Shinras will surely fall and you'll have nothing to fear."
     "I do not fear anything," Steiner said. "But I refuse to stay in this alliance. We may be safe, but I do not want to aid that treacherous adonis any longer!"
     "Please, Adelbert. I only wish to ensure we survive this leg. They will incur a penalty that will likely eliminate them and we will never have to deal with them, though we will still have to deal with the teams we initially wished to eliminate before your insecurities consumed you."
     "I like my insecurities!" Steiner said, jumping up and down again. He stopped and sighed. "But you are right. Let us continue our alliance. If they are not eliminated, then I only hope those two young ladies survive."
     "And why is that?" Beatrix asked.
     "Only because I want competition eliminated! No other reasons! None at all! But we shall continue this alliance and should that young man and his father go, I will laugh in their faces."
     "Rude, but acceptable. Let us make haste to," Beatrix paused to open the clue, "the End of the World."
     Steiner nodded and held Beatrix's hand until Beatrix pulled free. He said nothing as the two trotted back to their taxi, where Rufus, Yuna, and Rikku awaited them.
     "There he is!" Rikku said, pointing to an incoming taxi.
     "About time," Rufus said. He looked up at Steiner and Beatrix. "About time! Listen, if we're going to take out those other teams we're going to need to all work together. We have an agreement with Yuna and Rikku already and will not stop helping them and vice versa."
     "Vice versa?" Rikku asked Yuna, who only shrugged.
     "A good agreement," Steiner said with a salute. "We shall meet you at the End of the World."
     All three teams jumped into their taxis and flew off toward the End of the World.

     "We're boned," Rufus said to Shinra, who had somehow found a bucket of chicken wings on his voyage to return the map. "We're working with the crazy knight and his hot knight girlfriend now, but it's not going to be enough. Auron and Jecht aren't stupid enough to get too far behind us.

<Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in Last Place>
     Auron returned to Jecht with a clue in his hand. He opened it and read it quickly, then looked at Jecht, who was grabbing his shin. "Is it going to be a problem?"
     "Let's hope not," Jecht said.
     The two ran to their taxi and jumped inside. Jecht immediately began rummaging through his backpack and found some gauze. He pulled it out and started wrapping it around his injured leg.
     The two sat in silence for a while until Jecht finally broke the silence when he nudged Auron. "So did you see those two chicks dressed as the angel and devil?"
     "No, I was a bit busy doing the roadblock," Auron said. 
     "Oh, that's right. I forgot you were gay."
     Auron quickly slid his foot over and kicked Jecht's injured leg. Jecht barked and grabbed his leg.
     "Oh, that's right," Auron said. "I forgot you were a cripple."

<Amarant & Lani: Coworkers, Currently in 1st>
     Lani and Amarant pulled up to a platform and exited their taxi, only to see their taxi speed off just as quickly as they'd exited.
     "The hell?" Lani said, watching the taxi speed off. She looked around at the surroundings, which were relatively barren. They were in what looked like an unfinished painting. It was completely white around them and they were standing on a metallic platform that was only a couple hundred yards long and had wooden doors with heart-shaped plaques on them every twenty feet. Lani and Amarant ran along the platform looking at the labels on the doors.
     "These are just stupid travel agencies!" Lani said. "What's the deal? I was hoping for some sort of Matrix-like choo-choo-train when I saw the platform, but it's nothing!"
     Amarant looked out into the pure white. "This is possibly the best sight I've ever seen."
     "Good, admire it!" Lani shouted. "Take a picture- actually, I'll just paint you a fuggin' picture of it when we're bored and eliminated! Now what was the name of the guy we're going to?"
     "Culex's Travel Agency."
     Lani stood in silence for a couple seconds scratching her head. "So Culex."
     "Yes."
     "You're dumb."
     Lani and Amarant started to jog along the platform as they checked the doors, only to reach the door labeled "Culex's Travel Agency" with a sign beneath it reading "Out to lunch. Back at 12:45 pm."
     "Flaming taco shits, what's up with that!?" Lani yelled. "Red! What time is it?"
     "12:33," he said.
     "People are going to catch up! This sucks!"
     "We can still be first in line," Amarant said.
     "Good idea. Let's catch up on some sleep."
     "It's only twelve minutes though."
     "Shut up and sleep, Flamer!" Lani yelled. "If I don't hear your noisy-ass snoring in twenty seconds I'm covering your head in peanut butter!"
     Amarant shrugged. "Whatever." He pulled out the pink dress that had been tied around his waist until now and placed it on the ground by the wall and laid on it. Within a matter of seconds he was out cold.
     "Finally, some peace and quiet." Lani laid down with her head against the inward swinging door and closed her eyes.

     The three allied teams arrived at the same time and exited their taxis, only to see them speed off as fast as Lani and Amarant's had.
     "Weird," Rufus commented, then he looked at Shinra. "Oh no! You don't have your bucket of chicken wings. I know you finished them, but did you forget to lick the bucket? Now just try to hold it together, big guy."
     "Heh, you," Shinra said to Rufus. "You've got a mouth like your mother." He walked beside Rufus and gave him a playful slap on the back, which Rufus was not expecting. He lost his footing and toppled over, falling completely off the platform, cursing Shinra's name as he fell. 
     "T-Tommy?" Shinra said, looking into the white void.
     "It's Rufus," Rikku corrected him. "But holy crap. I think you killed him."
     "Oh no," Yuna said. She crouched down by the ledge and tried looking under the platform but did not see anything shaped like Rufus. Beneath them was exactly the same as what was above them, which was nothing.
     They continued to look until a door at the far end of the platform opened and Rufus walked out looking very disoriented.
     Yuna looked up and saw him, then ran to him and hugged him tightly. "What happened?"
     "Yeah, what was it like?" Rikku added.
     "I don't really want to talk about it," Rufus said. "Let's just go to the Travel Agency and pretend it never happened."
     "That's the Shinra way," Shinra said. "Knew you were my son, despite what people said."
     "I love people," Rufus said.
     The group of six walked down the platform with Steiner and Beatrix in the lead. The group lined up behind the sleeping Lani and Amarant and waited for the door to open. Amarant awoke to a beeping watch, which read 12:45 pm, but the door was still closed. He nudged Lani, who was snoring like a lawnmower. She did not respond, so he nudged her again. She still didn't respond, so he left her at the door and stood up to secure their place in line. He picked up his pink dress and retied it around his waist.
     "What's with the dress?" Rikku asked.
     "It makes a nice pillow," Amarant responded.
     "Oh." Rikku paused for a while. "What's with the farmer john look?"
     Amarant looked down at his ratty overalls and white t-shirt and Lani with her matching outfit. "The pitstop didn't have much. This Cid guy sold them to us. Why he was at Hollow Bastion selling clothes I have no idea, but he was there."
     "I think that's the most I've ever heard you talk," Rikku said. "It's umm, special."
     "You have a wonderful talking voice!" Yuna added. Rikku nodded in agreement.

     The final taxi arrived and Auron and Jecht exited. The taxi zoomed off and Auron and Jecht walked quickly over to the rest of the group. Jecht moved with a limp, though he still kept up decently enough. They finally reached the group and lined up.
     "What's the deal?" Jecht asked.
     "The agency is out to lunch," Beatrix explained.
     "Like, really? Or is that an expression?"
     "Hopefully only the first one."
     The door swung open and Lani's head instantly fell back and hit the ground, which instantly stopped her snoring. A strange man beckoned them inside to a room with a large desk and another door directly across from the room that Lani and Amarant entered through.
     "You're late," Lani said, rubbing her head.
     The man took a seat at the desk and nodded. "I am sorry. I was on a quest to find the ultimate hamburger. I found one worthy of my palate, but it required that I come late to work."
     "That's an amazing story. Now get us to Monstro Town!"
     "Ah, yes. Please enter through the door on your left." He gestured to the new door as he pressed a button labeled "Monstro Town" on the desk. The door had a strange red glow around the perimeter. Lani and Amarant refused to give the idea any thought and they walked through. A bright red light shined around them, then faded and left them in a celestial room with no obvious floor and stars all around. There was another door in the distance and they ran to it and went through. They found themselves in a grassy strip with a tall cliff wall on one side with doors on the side. Along the wall very close to the door they'd just exited was the clue box, which Lani sprung for and pulled out a clue.
     "Make your way east to the Pipe Vault," she read.

<Announcer Gippal>
     "Teams must now travel a long distance to a place known as the Pipe Vault. To get there, teams must go east through Star Hill, Booster's Pass, and Moleville.

<Amarant & Lani: Coworkers, Currently in 1st>
     "Think we need a guide to get there?" Lani asked.
     "It says east. We should do fine alone," Amarant said. "Put your whore skills away for five damn minutes."

     Steiner and Beatrix entered Culex's Travel Agency and stood in front of the desk. Both saluted, Steiner's hand to his head and Beatrix's fist to her opposite shoulder.
     "Captain Adelbert Steiner and General Beatrix umm-" Steiner looked at Beatrix and thought really hard for a moment, then resumed looking at Culex. "Captain Steiner and General Beatrix requesting permission to enter to Monstro Town."
     "Very well. Proceed with caution," Culex said. "Beware the plumbing one. He and his friends are the ultimate warriors in the entire galaxy."
     "Thank you sir, we shall heed him," Steiner said. The door began to glow and he and Beatrix ran through.
     Shinra peeked his head in, then when he saw that Steiner and Beatrix were done, he waved for Rufus to come.
     "Same place," Rufus said.
     Culex pushed the button.
     Rufus opened the door and held it open. "Ladies, you coming?"
     "Oh, right!" Yuna said as she and Rikku ran in and went through the door. 
     Auron and Jecht entered the room and headed for the door, but Rufus jumped inside the door and closed it behind him.
     Auron and Jecht looked at each other for a few seconds.
     "I think you smell," Auron said to Jecht.
     "No, it's definitely you," Jecht responded quickly. He looked at Culex. "Same place, buddy."

     The four teams all reached the clue box at approximately the same time and read through their clues.
     "East is that way, right?" Rikku said while pointing.
     "Rikku, you're pointing up," Yuna said. "Up is always north."
     "Oh right. And east is always right, so it must be that way!" Rikku pointed to her right.
     Rufus looked at Shinra and leaned over to him. "Don't judge."
     "Who's judging?" Shinra said. "Hell, your mom was a complete idiot. The only smart thing she ever did was marry me for my money and try her best to never be near me."
     "I always assumed based on that choice that she was a genius of sorts. Hmm. Weird."
     "Come, teams!" Steiner announced. "We must make haste to catch up with the leading team!"
     "I can still see them," Beatrix said. "I think we're still okay."
     "Ah. Good observation, Beatrix-dear. But let us overtake their lead and reach our destination faster!"
     Everybody started to walk east when Rufus tugged on Shinra's shoulder and made him stop.
     "What is it, R-" Shinra started.
     "Stop being dumb for a minute," Rufus said. "Look, we're screwed. We've broken at least one rule today and we're going to be screwed at the pitstop if we just stick around with everybody else like some mindless herd of chocobos. We need to take some risks. Nothing else to lose."
     "What do you suggest?"
     "Hell if I know. Let's ask around for some sort of transportation. The clue didn't say to travel by foot, so maybe we can catch some gummi bear taxi or a car or a chocobo or something. Anything."

     Yuna looked over her shoulder and saw Rufus and Shinra going into one of the doors along the cliffside. She tugged on Rikku's bra strap and beckoned for her to follow them. Yuna and Rikku trotted to the room with Rufus and Shinra.
     "Do we wait?" Steiner asked Beatrix as both looked over their shoulders at the foursome splitting away from them.
     "No, they're just starting to feel the pressure of their situation," Beatrix responded. "Stay on course."

<Shinra & Rufus: Father/Son, Currently in Last Place>
     "Hey pokey rock dude," Rufus said to a thwomp. "I don't suppose you know where to get some sort of transportation around here."
     The strange blue rock rose into the air, then slammed down, causing a huge tremor. "Dig these vibes!" it said.
     "Right, it's retarded. What about you, dog-thing?" Rufus said to a wolf.
     "Son, stop talking to the animals and pet rocks," Shinra said, but Rufus just gave him the finger.
     "Only transportation I know of is in Nimbus Land," the wolf said. "Head out to Bean Valley and climb the vine to get there- oh, but that's only for royalty, isn't it?"
     "Yeah, it sure is," Rufus said with a shrug. "What is?"
     "The bus made of clouds of course."
     "Of course," Yuna and Rikku echoed as they stood in the doorway.
     "Come on," Yuna said. "Let's try to get a ride anyway. We can't afford to lose you two in this race, so we'll help you out."
     "Guess it couldn't hurt," Rufus said. The foursome headed outside and went north to Bean Valley.

<Amarant & Lani: Coworkers, Currently in 1st>
     Lani and Amarant ran to Star Hill, where it was eternally dark. Stars with faces lit up the area and doors shaped as stars lit enough to highlight the red and yellow arrows pointing the way through.
     "I want one of these stars," Lani said to a nearby star with a face. She bent down and examined it. "I hate it, but I want it so I have permission to throw it at somebody, ninja-star style. I couldn't take a friggin penalty at this point."
     "I wish my hamster would feel better," the star said.
     "What the hell?" Lani said.
     "I think this place is full of this place's wishes," Amarant explained.
     "Well I wish your face melted!" Lani said to Amarant. Just then, a star with a face appeared behind Amarant. "Sweet!"
     Amarant sighed and walked through the door.

<Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, Currently in 4th>
     "Found it!" Rikku shouted. She pointed at a vine growing out of a block. It grew and grew and shot into the sky and broke through the clouds.
     "That's quite a climb," Shinra said.
     "And it doesn't look very sturdy," Rufus said. "That means Yuna can go first, then me, then Rikku, then you can go last, Fats. That way if you break the vine we'll be sure to die on impact instead of being crushed to death by your giant body."
     "It's a plan!" Yuna shouted as she hopped up to the vine and started climbing. The other three followed her lead in the order Rufus had mentioned.

<Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, Currently in 2nd>
     Steiner and Beatrix closed the gap between themselves and Lani and Amarant, making the lead virtually indistinguishable. 
     "This place is so weird looking," Beatrix said. "First there was that town with a chapel and that was it, then that creepily tall tower, not to mention I swear I've seen the same hairy guy with a gigantic mouth about twenty times now."
     "Indeed, we are being followed," Steiner said.
     Suddenly the same hairy man, now accompanied by two small robed creatures behind white masks, leapt in front of Beatrix. Amarant and Lani continued walking while Steiner stopped and gently pushed Beatrix behind him.
     "Who're you?" the hairy man asked.
     "I am Captain Adelbert Steiner of the Knights of Pluto. Who are you?"
     "I'm Booster the umm," he looked two his two companions on either side of him.
     The two with him started counting their fingers. "He's Booster," one of them said, giving up on counting. "He owns this area and you two are trespassing."
     "So are they," Beatrix said, pointing to Lani and Amarant.
     "Oh. So they are."
     "You cannot pass!" Booster shouted at Steiner and Beatrix. "Not unless... unless... You'll be my wife!" he yelled, pointing at Steiner.
     "I think you mean her," his companion said, pushing Booster's hand to point at Beatrix.
     "Yes, her! SHE must marry me!"
     "No," Beatrix said, then she pushed past Booster and his companions.
     "Oh, okay then. Bye bye," Booster said as Beatrix and Steiner walked by them.
     "You're letting them get away?" one companion asked Booster.
     "More will come through," Booster said.
     "....So yes."
     "They're getting away!?" Booster shouted. "This can't be! I-"
     The other companion handed him a couple dolls: a Booster and a princess. "Go play and leave the world alone."
     Booster walked to his tower and shut the door behind him, leaving his companions outside. They didn't seem to mind as they watched Auron and Jecht slowly approach.
     "Stupid leg," Jecht said. "I'm not sure I can finish this uhh, leg."
     "Quitting?" Auron asked.
     "No, just complaining."
     "Again?"
     "I prefer to think of it as never ending my previous complaint, so it's still the same one."
     "That makes sense."

<Shinra & Rufus: Father/Son, Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, Currently in Last Place>
     Shinra finally pulled himself up the final stretch of the final vine and joined the other three in a city made of clouds. The grounds were clouds and a good portion of the buildings were clouds. Even the people of the city resembled plump little clouds.
     Rufus quickly ran to a nearby local to question him. "Excuse me, I need some transportation."
     "Oh my God, are you the prince!?" the local said.
     "Do I look like him?" Rufus asked.
     "Maybe. I can't remember. It's Mallow, right?"
     "Me?"
     "Yeah."
     Rufus stared at the man for a few seconds. "Oh, of course. Yeah, that's me. Prince Merlot."
     "Mallow," the local corrected.
     "Right. Prince Mallow."
     "The royal bus is that way," the local pointed to the opposite side of the city.
     "Thanks." Rufus waved for the other three to join him, which they did.
     "Oh my God, are you the king!?" the local said to Shinra.
     "Yes," Shinra said, despite not hearing any of Rufus's conversation.
     "Oh my God, were there princesses?"
     "Ignore him," Rufus said. The group rushed to the area he had pointed in and soon found themselves on a cloud platform. In front of them was pure sky.
     "This is really weird," Rikku said. "Does anybody else feel like they've just done acid?"
     "Yeah," Yuna said. "Err, I mean, I wouldn't know what that's like, but I'm sure it's a lot like this based on the way a lot of people tell me they feel while tripping on acid, not that I know people who constantly trip on acid, but I read magazines that are completely unrelated to acid trips and they sometimes mention feeling like they're flying which is what this is like."
     "Riiiight," Rufus said. He pointed to the right. "Looks like it's coming."
     A bus made of clouds pulled up with a large yellow man with a blue bus driver's hat at the wheel. "This is the royale bus. Royalty only. Sorry, guys."
     "But I'm Prince Merlot or something like that!" Rufus said.
     "No, you're not Prince Mallow. Better luck next time."
     "He looks like the king though," Rufus said, pointing to Shinra.
     "He does look like the king," the driver said.
     "Would you believe that he is the king?" Rufus asked.
     "Probably."
     "He's the king!"
     "I thought so. Need a lift your lordship?"
     "I certainly do," Shinra said. "Mind if my friends come too?"
     "Anything for the king! Hop on!"
     The four boarded the bus, though nobody knew where to stand on a bus made of clouds with no seats. The bus started out when Shinra showed the driver the clue and pointed to the words "Pipe Vault." The driver saluted and started heading southeast. The bus picked up speed but never traveled too quickly.
     "Think this was a mistake?" Rufus asked Yuna.
     "I think we'll be fine," Yuna said.
     Rikku leaned in close to Yuna and whispered, "well, we'll be fine anyway."
     Yuna gasped and hushed Rikku.

<Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, Currently in 1st>
     Steiner and Beatrix reached a city with metallic sheds for houses and a large mine in the north. The city was populated by large mole creatures wearing overalls and dresses.
     "I'm starting to think this world is very weird," Steiner said to Beatrix.
     "Think so?" Beatrix said sarcastically.
     "It is a good thing there is only one path to the Pipe Vault. Otherwise I would worry that we might be going the wrong direction."
     "You're not worried about that?"
     "Well, I'd be worrying quite a bit more."

     The Nimbus bus containing the Shinras and Yuna and Rikku began to settle down by a lone green pipe with a clue box beside it.
     "Thank you, Mr. Driver," Shinra said to the cloud bus driver as the four disembarked. Rufus and Rikku ran quickly to the clue box as Shinra talked to the driver.
     "Shall I wait here for you, your majesty?" the driver asked.
     "I think you've done more than enough already. Thank you, sir. Enjoy the flight back to our hometown!"
     "Thank you, your majesty. Pleasant travels!" The bus cloud revved up as much as a bus made of clouds could, then took off straight into the sky.
     "Enjoying yourself?" Rufus asked Shinra.
     "It's good to be king," he replied.
     "Good. Now... Focus on the damn race!" Rufus held the yellow card in front of Shinra's face. "Yield!"