Episode 8: Part 3

<Announcer Gippal>
     "A yield can be used to force a team to stop for a predetermined amount of time. If a team has been yielded, they must stay at the yield until the hourglass is empty before they can continue. Teams may only use the yield once, so they must decide when it is most advantageous to use it."

<Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, Currently in 1st>
     Yuna and Rikku moved onto the yellow yield mat behind the green pipe. "We choose not to yield anybody," Yuna said.
     "Because we can't," Rikku added.
     "Right, because we already used it."
     Yuna flipped to the card behind the yield and found the next important card. "Detour: Crash or Splash."

<Announcer Gippal>
     "A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. In Crash, teams must travel back to Moleville and simply ride the mine cart ride. The cart can move faster or slower based at the teams' digression, but if they do not slow down for turns it will derail, forcing teams to put it back on the tracks. The course is long and slow, but it is relatively easy and a safe bet. In Splash, teams must go down the Midas River course beyond Rose Town. On the Midas River course, teams must complete two tasks: in the first part, they will be falling down a waterfall. It is a very scary task, but teams will have rappelling gear attached to them so they will be moving slowly. For the second part, teams will travel down the river by spinning barrels to propel them down the river. In both parts, teams will be collecting coins scattered on the course. They must collect forty coins or else they will have to start over. It is a difficult task, but it is relatively fast, so successful teams could finish quickly."

<Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, Currently in 1st>
     "The mine cart sounds fun," Yuna said.
     "It really does," Rikku said, "but let's go for the win, Yunie. Let's do Splash."
     "Okay."

     Rufus and Shinra moved onto the yield mat and looked at the camera.
     "We need to yield somebody," Rufus said. "Badly."
     "Pick a team," Shinra said as he sifted through the cards with each team's picture on it. He put the small picture of themselves in the corner labeled "Yielded by" and held the large pictures. He first turned to Steiner and Beatrix.
     "We have an alliance, we'd better not," Rufus said. Shinra flipped to Auron and Jecht. "Probably. I think they're in last place and we need as big of a lead as we can get, but it's fairly rude to do that to the team we already delayed."
     "Compassion?" Shinra said to Rufus.
     "Oh hell no, I'm just saying it so I don't sound like a bad guy."
     "Always concerned about public opinion. Ricky Ricardo, have I taught you nothing?"
     "You really really haven't," Rufus said. "Well, only team left is Amarant and Lani. What do you think?"
     "Depends who you think is in last place," Shinra said. "And if you think Steiner and Beatrix are in last, we're putting them on this board."
     "Agreed. But I think they're a solid enough team, so they're probably first or second. And I think Auron and Jecht are pulling a fast one on us with the injured leg. I think they're probably in front."
     "Good enough for me," Shinra said as he plastered Lani and Amarant's picture in the "Yielded" box.
     "Okay, now detour time," Rufus said. "We need to make up time. Think you can do Splash? Or would we be wasting our time?"
     "I used to be a lumberjack, so I can handle all of that."
     "Fine, we'll do it. But you were never a lumberjack."
     "Well I once had an entire forest demolished because I was considering putting up a summer house that I never put up."
     "Yeah, that's the same thing," Rufus said sarcastically. "I guess that makes you an expert at log rolling and such then. Let's go, no second thoughts."
     "This race has brought us together so much. It's like you really get me anymore."
     Shinra and Rufus met up with Yuna and Rikku, who were waiting for them just a few yards away. They stood by a giant directory that gave the locations of everything within walking distance.
     "Midas River course, this way," Yuna said as she pointed the way a small wooden sign pointed. The four started jogging in the direction of the Midas River course.

<Amarant & Lani: Coworkers, Currently in 3rd>
     Amarant and Lani suddenly both broke into a sprint and left Steiner and Beatrix in the dust. They reached the Pipe Vault and found the yield mat clue box with their faces plastered on it.
     "Holy peanut buttered Jesus on a stick," Lani yelled. "The damn clues never said there was a yield ahead!"
     Amarant quickly grabbed for the hourglass and flipped it over. "Maybe this is some new twist they're implementing."
     "Well I hate it! And why us?"
     "I'm sure it's somehow your fault. Now leave me alone." Amarant sat on the floor and leaned against the pipe while watching the sand fall to the bottom of the hourglass.
     Lani looked around and found a stick and starting writing in the dirt.

<Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, Soon to be in 3rd>
     Steiner and Beatrix reached the clue box and grabbed their clue.
     "Tis already in use, so we choose not to yield," Steiner said to the camera.
     Beatrix smiled while she looked at Amarant and Lani's picture on the yield board. "Detour. Crash or Splash?"
     "I do not feel comfortable in water," Steiner said. "Let us do Crash."
     "Okay. We know where Moleville is anyway. Should be easy." 
     The pair ran back they way they came toward Moleville. After a quick jog they found themselves once again among the person-sized mole people. They found the mine and ran along a course of arrows pointing the way to the mine cart. They finally found the cart with a mole in overalls waiting beside it.
     "Be careful with this here cart," the mole said. "Go slow 'round corners using this here brake lever. Then when you really wanna haul fur on those straight-aways just put the brake lever all the way up and push this here pedal. If ya'll fall off the tracks, the cart's perty light so two strong people like yerselves could do it no problem."
     "Thank you," Steiner said with a salute. He held out his hand and helped Beatrix into the cart before jumping in himself. The cart slowly pulled away down the tracks.

     Yuna, Rikku, Rufus, and Shinra found themselves looking down a tall waterfall that rushed uncontrollably.
     "Y-y-y-you two boys go first," Rikku said. "You have a penalty and need the lead more, r-right?"
     "This was a mistake," Rufus muttered to himself.
     "Strap up, boy!" Shinra said as two men with large blue mushroom tops on their heads suited him up. "This is gonna teach you for wearing white all the time, Rabbi."
     "I hate you so much," Rufus said. Another mushroom man approached Rufus and started putting his gear on.
     "These are bags," one mushroom headed man shouted to Rufus and Shinra as he led them to the falls and handed them two bags.
     "I noticed," Rufus shouted back.
     "They're for coins," he said. "Each bag will hold thirty coins safely. They're big enough to hold forty, but if you put forty in here the bag might explode everywhere, and we're not liable. That means you can't just have one of you grabbing coins and the other just surviving the course."
     "Gotcha," Rufus said.
     "Okay, are you boys ready?"
     "Not really," both Shinra and Rufus shouted.
     "That's what I like to hear!" the mushroom man shouted as he pushed Rufus and Shinra over the edge.
     The Shinras both fell and both had the same scream that could've been mistaken for a six-year old girl. The gear attached to them made them fall relatively slowly, but they had no control over how fast they would go down. Rufus occasionally tried swimming with his arms to go in a certain direction, but only had mild success. Shinra continued to plummet as he snagged coin after coin on his way down.
     "Are you even trying, Remus?!" Shinra shouted to Rufus.
     "Not really," Rufus said as he shielded his face from the falling water. He reached out for a coin but was unable to grab it while keeping his eyes shut.

<Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in Last>
     Auron ran to the Pipe Vault with Jecht riding piggyback.
     "I can't stress enough how we'll never mention this again," Jecht said.
     "Fine, fake a leg injury to get closer to me," Auron replied. He set Jecht down and reached for the clue. "Crash or Splash."
     Jecht paused for a bit and just stared at Auron, then his eyes darted to his leg and back to Auron. "Guess."
     "Lazy detour it is," Auron said. "You'd better be healed by next leg."
     "If I'm not I'll eat-"
     "I don't want to know," Auron said. He crouched down and faced away from Jecht. "Now hurry and mount me."

     Rufus and Shinra reached the bottom where a mushroom-headed crew pulled them onto a wooden raft and started to pull their harnesses off.
     "How many you got?" Shinra asked Rufus as he dug through his own bag.
     "About four," Rufus said.
     "That all? I've got fourteen!"
     "Good I guess," Rufus said. He started shaking like a dog to get all the water off of him.
     The raft approached a section of the river that was blocked off with tires to stop the raft from entering the river course itself. At the end were two barrels side by side. Rufus and Shinra slid out of their harnesses and walked to the platform with the barrels.
     "All you have to do is run on those things and they'll start moving downstream. They're training barrels, so you don't even have to backwards if you don't want to. Some coins will be floating higher than others, so you may have to jump. Make sure you give your barrel a good spin when you jump or it won't catch up to you. Now hurry up! Got some girls coming down!"
     Rufus and Shinra both mounted their barrels and started running on them. Rufus, who had set his barrel to training mode, ran forward and made decent forward progress. Shinra, who did not set training mode, tried running backwards and immediately fell into the water behind him. Rufus looked back and only shook his head and resumed his own course. He grabbed a coin and continued on his course.

     Steiner and Beatrix's mine cart shot down a straightaway as Beatrix batted Steiner's hand away from the brake lever. The wind rushed against their faces as a turn approached them. Steiner looked at Beatrix with a nervous glance and she grabbed quickly for the handle and pulled on it violently. It slowed to nearly a stop as it tiptoed around the corner, then resumed as Beatrix released the brake and applied a bit of speed.
     "You're indeed a brilliant mine cart driver, Beatrix-dear," Steiner said as the cart slowed to a stop at the end of the course. "We only flipped the one time when our camera man became horribly injured and was unable to film the accident, but we recovered quickly from that."
     Beatrix looked at the camera. "He's really bleeding badly. We should get him somewhere."
     "Indeed," Steiner said as he disappeared from the camera's sight. The camera's angle elevated a good three feet into the air.
     "Adelbert, don't carry h-" Beatrix began, then stopped. "All right, let's take him to the inn." Beatrix took her clue from the mole man and started walking back to the town. She read the clue aloud as she walked. "Make your way to the pitstop at Tadpole Pond. Warning: the last team to check in MAY be eliminated.... For some reason, 'may' is very large."

<Announcer Gippal>
     "Teams must now travel a short distance to Tadpole Pond. Once there, they must cross a path made of large tadpoles to the mat in the center of a small pond. The last team to check in here, may be eliminated."

<Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, Currently in 1st>
     "The camera man tells me they shall call a replacement for him and we may simply leave him at the inn," Steiner explained to Beatrix.
     "Excellent. We'll leave as soon as he arrives."

     "OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Rikku yelled as she plummeted down the falls. She grabbed several coins as she fell but she fell at a faster speed than Yuna and basically only fell in a straight line with absolutely no attempts to shimmy to either side.
     Yuna, on the other hand swung left and right and grabbed as many of the coins Rikku had skipped as possible. The two both reached the bottom raft, Rikku reaching a full five minutes faster than Yuna, and waited as the raft people pulled them all the way down and began removing their harnesses. Once free of them, the two began counting their coin bags.
     "Ten," Yuna said. 
     "Twenty-nine," Rikku said.
     "Seriously?" Yuna asked excitedly. "So we only need," she paused to think and grabbed Rikku's hands and started counting her fingers and toes. "One more coin!?"
     "Simple!" Rikku said. "Let's get on that course!"
     "Can't," one of the mushroom staff said. "The fat guy and cute guy are still on the barrels." Yuna and Rikku both stared at the mushroom man for a couple moments. He finally broke their stares. "What? Don't you have gay people where you come from?"
     "Oh sure!" Rikku said. "There's this one guy, Gip-" she started until the camera feed was lost to an odd technical difficulty.

     "Finally!" Lani shouted as she stopped drawing obscene pictures and dirt arrows that pointed to Amarant and usually said something about his sexual orientation or his similar appearance to a giant chicken. The last drop of sand hit the bottom of the glass as she put down the stick she was using. "Okay, Big Red. Come ON-" she looked around, only to see that Amarant was not meditating like she thought he was, but was instead ripping open their clue.
     "Crash or Splash," he asked her.
     "Nuh uh! I'm not gonna say!" Lani said. "I'll pick one and you'll be like 'no, we're doing this other one' and I'll get pissed off and have to cut your balls off."
     "We're doing Splash," Amarant said as he started running like he'd never ran in the race before. "Hurry up, we're losing," he yelled to Lani.
     "I hate you SO much!" Lani shouted after him and she struggled to keep up. "This is no fair! You have long chicken legs! The kind that belong on my dinner plate!"
     "And you have long whore legs. The kind that belong high in the air."
     "You're getting too GOOD at this," Lani said. "It's not fair!"

     Rufus jumped off his barrel as he grabbed one final coin. He held his bag open and started counting the several coins he'd grabbed. Shinra ran along his barrel poorly as he continued to slip and nearly fall. He was almost to the finish when a rambunctious fish hopped out of the water and plowed into Shinra's leg. Shinra lost his balance and with his loss of balance came the loss of his bag of coins. He grabbed the bottom of the bag as several coins flew out of the bag and landed in the water. He finally reached the end where Rufus was holding his head in shame.
     "Sorry, son," Shinra said as he opened his bag to see how many remained. "I didn't lose them all. I grabbed some when I caught the bag."
     "Please say it's more than-" Rufus looked into his bag and counted the last couple coins. He then used his fingers to do some quick math. "-twelve or more."
     Shinra dumped out the bag and counted the coins. "Sorry, Rufus. Only eleven."
     "Good, because I lied," Rufus said as he handed his own coin bag to the nearby mushroom headed attendant. "I had thirty. I just wanted to see you sweat."
     "You must get your sense of humor from your mother," Shinra said. "It's not from me. Now hurry up, Steve."
     Rufus grabbed the clue from the mushroom headed man and read it aloud. "Make your way to the pitstop at Tadpole Pond. Warning: the last team to check in MAAAAAAY be eliminated."
     "Why do you say it like that?" Shinra asked.
     "It's how it's written," Rufus said. "This show is weird."
     "Yeah. Should we wait for your girlfriends?" Shinra asked.
     "We need to haul ass," Rufus said. "They'll understand."
     "As long as they don't get lost," Shinra said. "I know their sense of direction and while Tadpole Pond is just a short walk from here, I fear."
     "Me too. But let's go." Rufus said as he ran off toward Tadpole Pond. Shinra followed as quick as his stumpy legs would take him.

     Auron and Jecht reached the mine cart entrance and walked inside. Jecht leaned against Auron as they got the instruction speech from the head mole.
     "Quit it," Auron said. "Quit pretending to be hurt to feel my arm up."
     "Relax," Jecht said. "It's not as bad as the time the bee in Kilika stung you and you needed Braska to carry you like a baby."
     "I didn't ever need anybody to carry me like an infant."
     "Doesn't mean it didn't happen."
     "I'm just saying it wasn't necessary," Auron replied. "Let's just go. We're wasting time."
     Auron and Jecht piled into the mine cart and released the brake lever. The cart started rolling down the tracks as the mole continued giving the safety speech to the quickly disappearing pair of ex-guardians.

     Yuna and Rikku started on their barrels and Rikku reached out and snagged a coin.
     "Let's just haul butt to the end now, Yunie!" Rikku said.
     "Right!" Yuna said as she sped up her running speed. Rikku sped up to match her speed, then even went slightly beyond her speed. Their barrels kicked up water as they sped down the river with no regard to the floating coins.

     Amarant and Lani continued their run, which had since become a jog, toward the Midas River Course when they spotted Rufus and Shinra walking to a pond nearby. Lani squinted to look farther.
     "Ha HA!" Lani said to Amarant. "We chose the right detour. Look how close it is to the pitstop! I can see Gippal from here!"
     "We," Amarant said under his breath.
     "Got something to say?" Lani asked him.
     "You're useless and a whore."
     "Didn't think so."

     Rufus continued to wave for Shinra to catch up, but Shinra continued to pant heavily as he staggered into the main area of Tadpole Pond. Rufus jumped from head to head of the large tadpoles that lined up to help them cross to the small island in the middle. The tadpoles were large and very supportive like a stone path. Rufus easily made it across when Shinra approached. The tadpoles quivered in fear, but held strong and each one grunted as he leapt across. Shinra finally crossed and joined Rufus on the mat and faced Gippal and a strange old frog, Frogfucious, with a large white beard.
     "Welcome to Tadpole Pond in The Mushroom Kingdom!" Frogfucious said.
     "You're weird," Rufus said to him.
     "Shinra and Rufus," Gippal said, "you're the first team to arrive."
     "That's good news," Shinra said. "But we probably-"
     "Would you let me do it my way?" Gippal asked, cutting Shinra off. Shinra nodded and let Gippal finish. He started with a short pause. "However, because you took the map from the other taxi, you will receive a penalty for the time difference that Auron and Jecht were forced to wait, which was twenty-seven minutes. In addition, Shinra, you left the area where you were supposed to wait during the roadblock. It's not a severe penalty, especially since it was to fix a mistake by your team, but you will still incur an additional fifteen minute penalty, giving you a total penalty of forty-two minutes. You two may wait to the side and I will call you over when your time is up. At that point you will be marked in at that time. If you are the last team, then you may be eliminated."
     Rufus and Shinra went to the edge of the island as Shinra took off his shoes and rolled up his pants, then sat on the edge and stuck his feet into the water. Rufus laid back and closed his eyes. Neither said anything.

     Yuna and Rikku reached the end and leapt off their barrels and handed their coin bags to the mushroom headed attendant.
     "That was fun, huh Yunie?" Rikku said. 
     "It was!" Yuna said.
     "Forty on the dot," the mushroom headed man said, handing them their clue.
     "Oh," Yuna said.
     "Oh?" Rikku asked.
     "Well, I grabbed a couple extras as we went, just because they were there. I must've miscounted earlier."
     Rikku was silent.
     "Good thing it all worked out!" Yuna said.
     "Riiiight," Rikku said. "Come on, let's hurry!"
     "Right."

     "Brakes, Jecht!" Auron ordered.
     "We can get closer and lose less time!" Jecht barked back.
     "That's what you said last time!"
     The mine cart slowed at the last second, but not quickly enough as the cart toppled off the track and landed in a pile of loose rocks, which kept it from sliding too far from the tracks.
     Auron stared at Jecht, who was getting out of the cart to push it back onto the tracks.
     "What?" Jecht said. "You gonna just stare and be all accusing or are you going to help me not-lose?"
     Auron crawled out of the cart and helped Jecht move the cart back onto the tracks. Jecht shook out his injured leg afterwards and crawled into the cart just slightly after Auron crawled in. Both stared at each other for awhile.
     Auron finally broke the silence. "I'm in charge of the brakes now."
     "Fine, fine."

     Steiner and Beatrix trotted to Tadpole Pond and suddenly caught a glimpse of Yuna and Rikku as both rounded different corners to the entrance to the pond. Beatrix, who saw them first, slammed her fist against Steiner's chestplate and pointed briefly before breaking into an all-out sprint. Steiner threw his arms into the air and started to chase after her.
     "Oh crap!" Rikku said as she pulled Yuna along with her as she ran for the pond.
     All four contestants raced through the entrance to the pond. Beatrix was first onto the tadpoles with Steiner reaching them second, but Yuna and Rikku didn't even heisitate or look at each other to decide to dive headfirst into the water and swim for the island. The water was mildly shallow, only Yuna's elbow hit the ground, which was remarkably soft. They jumped out of the water and raced for the mat as Beatrix and Steiner leapt from the tadpoles and ran as well.
     Gippal stared ahead and watched the carnage as the first team leapt onto the mat. "Yuna and Rikku," Gippal said, "I can see your nipples."
     Rikku quickly pulled up her bikini top and Yuna simply crossed her arms in front of her.
     "You're also team number one!" Gippal said. "As the winners of this race, you've won a vacation to Nimbus Land resort, where you will stay with the king for a whole weekend. He has a hot tub that I hear is pretty rad."
     "Sweet," Rikku said.
     "Sure is," Gippal said. "Now move aside and let Steiner and Beatrix through." Rikku and Yuna moved from the mat and went to sit with the Shinras. Steiner and Beatrix moved onto the mat. "Steiner and Beatrix, you're team number two!"
     "Yeah, we got that much," Beatrix said dully.

     Amarant and Lani reached the Midas River Course and the mushroom headed men strapped them in. The mushroom man suiting up Lani groped her constantly.
     "Are you seeing this?" Lani asked Amarant.
     "Are you seeing this?" Amarant asked as he pointed to the mushroom headed man that suited him up and constantly groped him.
     "Let's just get this over with," Lani said.
     Amarant and Lani jumped down the waterfall and both began collecting coins. Occasionally they elbowed each other as they reached for the same coin.

     Auron and Jecht's cart came into the station as they hopped out and grabbed their clue.
     "Pitstop," Auron said. "We'd better hurry. Can you run yet?"
     "I'd better try," Jecht said. "Don't worry about me, I'll survive."
     "Okay," Auron said as he ran ahead. Jecht ran at a fairly equal pace, despite his limp.

<Shinra & Rufus: Father/Son, 15 Minutes Remaining from Penalty>
     "Yuna and Rikku," Gippal said from the mat. "We'll need you two to wait elsewhere until they're checked in."
     Yuna and Rikku stood up from beside the Shinras and walked away as Rufus and Shinra both continued to wait anxiously.

     Amarant and Lani raced their barrels along the river portion of the course, both grabbing coins as they ran. Amarant didn't have to jump at all to reach the coins above him, though Lani did and constantly lost her balance. They finally reached the end and both poured out bags of exactly twenty-seven coins. The mushroom headed man gave them their clue.
     "Pitstop," Lani said. "Hurry, Red."
     "You sound nervous," Amarant said.
     "I AM NERVOUS!" Lani shouted. "NOW RUN!"
     Amarant, though he hated to take orders, took this order and instantly began to run with Lani as they ran to Tadpole Pond.

     "Leg okay?" Auron asked Jecht.
     "Your mom okay?" Jecht said back. "Just run and get off my back about it. It hurts like Sin but we were only not-last to that clue box because of a yield. We're slow. Run faster!"
     Auron nodded and chuckled under his breath. "Heh. Hurts like Sin."
     "I heard that!"

     Lani and Amarant ran quickly until they finally rounded a corner and reached Tadpole Pond. The two ran across the tadpoles and stood on the mat, panting loudly.
     "Amarant and Lani," Gippal said, "you're team number three!"
     "Oh YES," Lani shouted. She looked back at Rufus and Shinra. "What's with them?"
     "Still waiting on a penalty," Gippal said.
     "Wow," Lani said, sounding almost sympathetic.
     "Wow what?" Amarant asked.
     "As the other people that get a penalty, I now know how funny and pathetic it looks to sit there."
     "I heard that," Rufus yelled from the edge of the island. His feet were also in the water like Shinra's, but he was laying on his back. His eyes were still closed and he never tensed with any anger at Lani's comment.
     Amarant pulled Lani off the mat as she struggled to break his grip, but she finally gave up and allowed herself to be dragged.
     "Oh come on," Lani said. "I was joking. He knows it! People with a sense of humor know it! Maybe those people will explain it to you someday."

     Auron and Jecht ran into Tadpole Pond and hopped across the tadpoles. Jecht slipped on the last one, but Auron had waited for him and caught him. The two ran onto the mat and faced Gippal.
     "Auron and Jecht," Gippal said, "you're the fifth team to arrive."
     Jecht sat down and started to rub his leg.
     "However," Gippal began. Auron and Jecht both listened intently. "The Shinras incurred a forty-two minute penalty."
     "And?" Jecht said.
     "That was forty-three minutes ago," Gippal said. "They were both officially checked in exactly thirty-six seconds ago. So Auron and Jecht, I'm sorry to tell you you've both been eliminated from the race."
     "Well how do ya like that," Jecht said, returning to his feet.
     "Sorry the elimination had to go down like this, but the producers were just eating this up," Gippal explained.
     "Understandable," Auron said.
     "Thirty-six seconds," Jecht said with a quick jab at Auron's arm.
     "What of it?"
     "Think about it. Wouldn't it have been killer to have gotten here like, thirty-seven seconds ago?! We'd have horribly knocked out another team!"
     "Ex-Guardians and now Ex-Horribly Cruel Racers," Auron said. "We're both famous and infamous right now."
     "We're friggin' everything," Jecht said. "I count it as a victory."
     "I don't," Auron said, "but I also don't care. Let's go."