Episode 10: Early Show

INT. STUDIO

Baralai sat in his blue director's chair. Opposite of him sat (from left to right) Steiner, Beatrix, Auron, Fujin, Raijin, Sabin, Strago, Tifa, Sephiroth, and Jenova all on one gigantic fluffy, white sofa.

BARALAI: Welcome everybody to the Early Show. We're now moving into our Amazing Final Fantasy race section of the show, but last leg nobody was cut, nor was anybody put into frilly pink dresses. No, the final leg is starting soon and the teams were allowed to pick teammates to help them along in their quest. So here with us today are the old castoffs that weren't picked. Our first question will go out to Steiner. Neither you nor Beatrix were picked to assist any of the teams, despite your fourth place finish. How do you feel about that?

STEINER: I do not feel disgraced by not being picked. Those that were picked were picked to hinder a team, and those that were picked to assist were based on past relationships that I was not part of. I am glad to not be picked and I am glad that Beatrix was not picked either, because we would have aided the teams greatly with our knowledge of the world and I would not want to aide any of those teams in obtaining a victory over myself. Also it gives me more time with my sweetheart.

BARALAI: Well isn't that adorable or something. So Beatrix, how has this race affected you as a person and your relationship with Mr. Steiner?

BEATRIX: The race hardly affected me as a person. I'm a warrior. A general. War is a much more worthwhile if you're trying to find yourself. I knew who I was before the race. My relationship with Adelbert is also more or less the same. I rarely did field operations with him, but I still have seen him fight. If you've seen somebody fighting for his life, you know what kind of man he is beneath the rusty armor. He has risked his life for me, so despite seeing his competitive and jealous nature in the race, I still know he is someone very special for me.

BARALAI: Thanks. That's touching. Really. So Auron, you don't have anything corny to say, do you? To phrase a better question: you used to be a more noble man, but on the race you and Jecht were fairly deceptive and downright mean. What gives?

AURON: Neither of us knew anything about the show and we assumed it to be a fairly dirty competition. We were a bit disheartened to see the other teams doing nothing like our tactics, except for possibly Lani and Amarant, but kind of hoped we could sway a few away from legitimate racing to make it all more competitive. We really screwed ourselves in the end by not keeping Relm and Strago in the race, but we longed for competition, and that's what we got.

BARALAI: Uh huh, I see. I'm paying attention to your responses completely. So Fujin, I see your leg has healed now, which is nice, but how do you deal with the horrible elimination of your team?

FUJIN: CUTTING.

BARALAI: Moooooving right along. Raijin, much like Steiner and Beatrix, neither you nor Fujin were picked to help other teams. H-

RAIJIN: She does, ya know.

BARALAI: Sabin! What's it like knowing your weaker brother was chosen instead of you for the final race?

SABIN: It makes a lot of sense. I should've been picked to help a team, but Bro being picked as a negative to a team is hilarious. No wonder they'd pick him over a bear like me. He'll probably help them a lot, though. He's pretty damn useful for all things unrelated to chucking spears at a small target.

BARALAI: Yeah, that really sucked for you two. Or so I read in the episode recap. They made you sound retarded. I don't watch the show. So Strago, you died. What's that like?

STRAGO: Wonderful. It makes me feel young again.

BARALAI: Good for you. I'm just going to push the silent zombie alarm under my chair while Tifa tells us what it was like working with a stranger and why she got eliminated.

TIFA: Paine was a nice girl, but she and I didn't exactly click. She took my lesbian jokes a bit too seriously and cuddled me too closely during pitstops. But seriously, we got eliminated because Auron and Jecht are such meanies. It was definitely the playground 'pick on the girls you like' thing going on, but either way, it hurt when they "accidentally" tripped us. But we got the last laugh. During one of the nights wasting away in sequester-ville in Cleyra, we snuck into their rooms and put scorpions in their beds.

BARALAI: Ha ha, you're just too much.

AURON: It's true. One stung me in what I'll refer to as a "sensitive area." I'm still recovering.

BARALAI: Gross. So Sephiroth. King of the badass and villain to an entire planet. You were the first team gone. What the hell? Have you seen the three teams racing for first?

SEPHIROTH: Have you seen my mother? I would've been fine except that mother can rarely keep focused. In fact, the day we arrived in Cleyra, she wandered off on some quest about finding her brother: Artoo Detoo... Yes, Mother. Help you Obi-Wan Kenobi.

BARALAI: Well Jenova, instead of giving you your own question, can you just expand on what Sephiroth was saying? (pause) I see. (pause) No, they're definitely not the droids I'm looking for. (pause) No, I really don't remember owning any droids. (pause) I really can't beam you up. You're mixing references anyway. (pause) Okay, I think we've had enough. Everybody out there in TV land, watch The Amazing Final Fantasy race finale. Live long and prosper. Good night.