Episode 11: Early Show

EXT. STUDIO

Baralai sat on his same blue director's chair, but instead of his typical backdrop, he sat on an outdoor stage. In six chairs to his left were Rufus, Shinra, Yuna, Rikku, Amarant, and Lani. Behind him were several people waving at the camera and occasionally yelling to the contestants and Baralai.

BARALAI: Welcome everybody to The Early Final Fantasy Show. We're here today with the final three teams of The Amazing Final Fantasy Race, where Rufus and Shinra walked away as the winners of the one-million gil prize.

RUFUS: Winners of it, but not receivers of it.

BARALAI: Yes, I know. We're getting to that.

LANI: You're going to start blabbering and make this take way too long, aren't you?

BARALAI: This is a wonderful batch of contestants. Such respect.

YUNA & RIKKU: We still love you, Baralai!

BARALAI: Thanks, ladies. So let's get straight into it. Let's talk about the race. Now, Yuna and Rikku, you started out with a rough start. With a near elimination early on and several other close calls to come, you two had quite the thrilling race.

YUNA: It took us a little while to get the hang of the race.

RIKKU: Yeah, and a little bit of flirting.

Rikku nudged Yuna. 

YUNA: I... Don't really know what you mean. I- I was just-

RUFUS: She means you and I.

YUNA: But we didn't-

RUFUS: I think the record needs to be set straight. Bear Lie?

BARALAI: Baralai.

RUFUS: Whatever. May I?

BARALAI: Floor is yours. I think we are all curious about the chemistry between you two.

RUFUS: In simple terms: have you seen my partner? Stuck with him for however many days, I couldn't wait to make some female contact. Yuna was a nice girl and a nice change from Tubs. There was nothing between us though. Right, Yuna?

YUNA: I uhh, sure. Right. Of course.

RUFUS: Besides, she already has the man of her dreams -err, somebody's dreams. They tried to explain it to me, but I didn't get it. Something about a man and dreams though.

YUNA: He's wonderful.

RIKKU: He's kinda weird...

LANI: He wasn't even in the race, can we move on?

BARALAI: Lani, since you're so impatient, let's head right over to you two. Let's start at an interesting topic: you and Amarant. Is there something there?

LANI: Something where? Up your ass and next to my boot?

AMARANT: There's nothing. We chose each other as partners because we felt we could get the job done, split the money, and never speak again. I think we were just similar to Rufus's explanation of the chemistry with Yuna. She's a girl, I'm a guy, and we were together for several days. Sometimes you watch the other one change and-

LANI: Whoa whoa whoa. What's that, Red? You watched me change?

AMARANT: You changed in front of me. Often. Purposely.

LANI: Does your mother know you lie this much?

AMARANT: You rubbed up on me while naked by "accident" while changing.

LANI: Oh big deal. So my breasts rubbed you once or twice while I was changing.

AMARANT: Which means you were naked and changing in front of me.

LANI: I- ...No! Well, it wasn't on purpose! I didn't know you were there!

AMARANT: What about the time you asked me to hand you your bra.

LANI: That's perfectly normal!

AMARANT: Your bra was lodged between your-

BARALAI: LET'S just stop right there and keep our rating from slipping to an R. Or M for Mature. Or whatever the system is. Yuna and Rikku, back to you. Because you talk about nice, happy, non-sexual things. What was your favorite moment on the race?

YUNA: I loved riding the chocobo through Gaia. He was such an adorable chocobo. Though he smelled like fish and dirt.

RIKKU: I liked flying the Gummi Ship around, blasting through walls, making shortcuts. They're not exactly the most eye-appealing things on the market, but they certainly get the job done.

BARALAI: I see. Now, there's a large debate going around that says you two, Yuna and Rikku, and you two, Shinra and Rufus, only survived as long as you did because of your alliance. Do you agree? And do you think later seasons should try to limit alliances?

RUFUS: Limit? No way. We were just the only ones smart enough to actually team up and share information. Maybe the girls survived because of us, but I credit most of our success to my dad. He could always spot important things like shortcuts and race markers. I think that's why he was always so distracted and too unfocused to remember my name. He was always studying things so intently.

SHINRA: Don't get so proud of me, Runt. I just can never remember your name. I wanted to name you after candy. Your mother gave you a real name. All I remember is how it starts.

RUFUS: Oh bull. You know my name. Though, you did just look down at your pack of Runts candy for my name...

SHINRA: Yeah. Sorry.

BARALAI: Yuna and Rikku? What about your race existence. Do you think the alliance helped that? I don't. You're the high summoner. But what do you think?

YUNA: I think we raced our hardest, and our hard work and teamwork were what gave us the edge to finish a minute and forty-six seconds out of first place.

RIKKU: It was our flirting.

YUNA: Rikku!

RIKKU: What? It was. We flirted from the get-go, mostly with the boy teams since they were most likely to respond to flirting. We eventually figured out two things. One: Rufus and Yuna both wear white and have constantly perky nipples. Two: We shouldn't rely on other people to win our race. We helped out the Shinras and they helped out us, but neither of us needed it. We were fully capable. 

BARALAI: Well you did make a pact to start racing as individuals and you both still came in the top two. But then it all came down to a few aspects in the final race. One being Macalania Temple's Cloister of Trials-

SHINRA & RUFUS & LANI & AMARANT: Don't remind me.

BARALAI: And the other being the trick after the roadblock by the Shinras. That seemed to be the ultimate deciding factor in deciding the Shinras' win over High Summoner Yuna and Rikku. Let's talk about the cloister first. And let's start with Amarant.

AMARANT: We did poorly the whole last leg. The cloister was where we started to realize that the other teams were well ahead of us. By Ipsen's Castle, we were beginning to lose hope, then the fact that we were the last team to the cloister gave us a final shot of adrenaline to make a comeback victory, but searching the cloister we realized there was no way we'd make that comeback. 

BARALAI: And you finally gave up in the Thunder Plains.

AMARANT: We saw the other teams coming out of that city and knew they were racing for the finish line. Even if the roadblock was to pick up a pencil, we still couldn't have caught up. Mr. Shinra's navigation is too good for him to be going the wrong way, and the girls were too fast to ever dream of catching up to them.

LANI: Also Red is a quitter.

AMARANT: I couldn't take any more of your whining. 

LANI: I wasn't whining! I was merely pointing out that my feet were in a moderate amount of discomfort and my bra had slipped so much that it was just rubbing me painfully and the fact that I had neglected to wear panties a good portion of the race was having negative effects.

AMARANT: (to Baralai) I don't think the network would allow you to air what she actually said. It was graphic and disturbing and used words I wouldn't use within fifty kilometers of a church.

BARALAI: Then it's best to cut Lani's mike about now.

AMARANT: Can't we just tape up her mouth?

BARALAI: Let's again shift to happier conversation. Yuna and Rikku. Your thoughts on those key moments in the finale.

RIKKU: As far as the temple goes, I'm not so sure we did it right, but I think the fact that Yuna and I had both been into that temple saved us a lot of time by having a pretty good idea of where things go and how they work. Then that thing after the roadblock, that was Yuna and I getting greedy. We're so bad with navigation that we thought we could take the Shinras' and give them a fair race to the finish. We knew the Shinras would still find one, but if we had to look, then we may as well have sat next to Amarant and Lani and just waited for it to end.

YUNA: Besides, that wasn't the only defining moment of the race. During the footrace through Macalania forest, we took a high road and hoped we were right that we'd be required to go up there, but the slope of the trees being so steep and the winding branches that didn't exactly follow the path started to become troublesome. Honestly, we might have still won had we not gone up there.

BARALAI: Interesting. Who's decision was it to go up?

RIKKU: Mostly mine. I can climb better than Yunie, so it was entirely beneficial to me to climb, but she was a bit slower. Not that she slowed us down and made us lose...

YUNA: Rikku and I decided everything as a team. Neither of us caused a loss. We lost as a team, and that makes us winners.

LANI: Aww... How corny... Well I for one can't take this. I'm getting out of this cheese-fest. 

Lani stood out of her seat and left the discussion area. Amarant did not look the slightest bit surprised.

BARALAI: Rufus and Shinra. What do you have to say about the finale and the things discussed?

SHINRA: The cloister was not very nice to us and it set us back from our lead by a lot. Renee and I were doing very well by taking every risky shortcut and having them all pay off, but the cloister set us back down to earth. I'm just glad Risky and I were on the same page with my bluff about the qactuar stones and that he played along so well.

RUFUS: Though it didn't really pay off that much since there happened to actually be a qactuar stone where we bluffed about one. 

SHINRA: Yes. A larger spacing in the victory would have been a lot nicer. I'm afraid a portion of my winnings will go toward open-heart surgery because of the thousands of heart attacks I was having at the end.

RUFUS: Those aren't related to the race though. Those are related to chickens and chocobos, which you really have to stop eating.

SHINRA: I don't eat live chocobos. I've never even killed a chocobo to eat it. I just enjoy the Chocoburger in Wall Market.

RUFUS: Wait, that's the chocobo you eat!? You dumb bastard! That's not chocobo meat! The owner just called it that because it sounded cute. It's just typical burger meat.

SHINRA: That's good. I was wondering how I could eat all those and not be making chocobos extinct.

BARALAI: Okay, final question for everybody. Except Lani because she left. I want to talk about the team choices for the added racers. Yuna and Rikku, why did you choose Squall and Pai- Dr. P for yourselves and Rinoa for Amarant and Lani?

RIKKU: Well, Paine was obvious. YRP! Then we had a kind of connection with Squall early on in the future space world place, and he was a strong racer, so we took him. We gave Rinoa to Amarant and Lani because Squall said she's kinda useless.

BARALAI: And we can all hope that neither of them are watching this.

NOOJ (O.S.): Don't worry. Nobody ever does.

BARALAI: So Amarant. Why take Jecht and give Relm and Edgar?

AMARANT: I didn't decide anything. We liked Jecht because he knew the final world that we knew we'd have to return to, then we gave Relm to the Shinras because she's small and annoying and Edgar because he and Rufus seemed to glare at each other quite a bit early in the race.

BARALAI: Why was that, Rufus?

RUFUS: Okay, no, we weren't on that bad of terms. I got mad that they got on the flight as stewards because I hoped they would miss the flight. Then I got madder when they ditched us with the "shortcut" in the second leg of the race. Though that wasn't their fault and I mostly blame the second moon.

BARALAI: Second moon?

SHINRA: He's referring to my size and shape.

BARALAI: Oh, I see. Well, Nooj has officially fallen asleep, so we'll all just stay in frame hopefully and bring in the final bit for this show. Thank you all for coming and talking, and now without further ado, here's Gippal!

Gippal entered from the left and watched the camera to make sure he was in frame. He wasn't. He dragged along with him a large yellow check with Rufus and Shinras' names on it and one million gil written in the amount.

GIPPAL: Congratulations to all the teams that were competing. Now it's with great honor that I present the Shinras with this check. This money certifies that they are the official winners of The Amazing Final Fantasy Race. Shinra. Rufus. Congratulations.

Rufus and Shinra both walked up to the check and held either side of it. Rufus stood on the left while Shinra held the side with the money amount written on it. Rufus smiled for the camera and gave a small wink. Shinra drooled over the zeroes in the check and didn't even notice the camera.

GIPPAL: Thank you for tuning in, Spira and all those other worlds out there. And as the official announcement: The Amazing Final Fantasy Race has been renewed for another season due to the tens or maybe even hundreds of you tuned in to our show. I always do love job security. See you all next season!