Episode 1: Early Show

INT. STUDIO

Baralai sat behind a large wooden desk with a backdrop of the ocean through a large plate glass window. Beside the desk was a long golden couch.

BARALAI (to camera): ...and finally the pyramid headed man made his escape. There were no survivors. And now in happier news, The Amazing Final Fantasy Race is in its second season. If you haven't tuned in then you might want to check it out. And if you haven't seen it then you might want to turn this off right now because we're here with the first castoffs of the show. Please welcome Barret and Dyne.

Barret and Dyne entered from the left and sat on the couch with Barret sitting closest to Dyne.

BARRET: Sup?

DYNE: Hey.

BARALAI: Welcome to the show, guys. I'm always happy to share some time with former racers. Your show made our show so popular that it became a full-fledged news show. We have a news van and everything.

BARRET: Awright. So?

BARALAI: So let's get right into it. What happened there? What made you two lose?

BARRET: Dyne did.

DYNE: Hey!

BARRET: Awright, fine. We jus' couldn't do it wit' one arm each. I think we was the only team ta not get the marchin' task on the firs' try. Even that fat broad got it.

BARALAI: I'm not sure if it was apparent on the race, but watching the playback will show you that the "fat broad" as you call her was really infatuated with you two.

BARRET: Dat ain't exactly a good thing. She also liked those dumb animals that beat us to the Pit Stop.

DYNE: She had about the strangest taste ever. It's hard to be flattered.

BARALAI: So back to the problems. You two were doing the Fame detour and switched. What were your thoughts in doing so?

DYNE: Both of us were on the same page with the switch. We saw a line, got intimidated, and were pretty sure we could do the games before it would even reach our place in line, so that should've saved us some time.

BARRET: Dat stupid basketball game killed us. All those stupid games like snowboarding were easy, but stupid. If it was to only make ten baskets, we would've beat those hairy animals by a trillion days. An' another thing, what the $@^# does hornless even mean?

BARALAI: I'm from a world with Ronso and I'm still not entirely sure. But let's move on. I want to talk about how hard it was to be in your own world, yet lacking most of the race.

BARRET: It sucked dick, Baralai. Us 'n da Turks knew all dese places, but me 'n Dyne, we jus' kept losin' positions from our handicap. We would've done better if we could've used our damn gunarms to shoot up some bitches, but instead it just made it hard. You try aimin' a laser with one hand when your instinct for shootin' things is to use your other hand. It's like namin' a color in a colored word when the word says a different color.

DYNE: I hate those stupid tests. They give you the word blue, but it's written in red font, then they ask what color it is. I say "blue", they say "wrong", and I shoot them in the scrotum.

BARALAI: Riiiight. At least in the end of the race you got to stay in that weird hotel.

BARRET: Hells no we didn't! They let us go inside fo' a drink, then they hauled our asses back outside!

DYNE: They didn't even want us to have the drinks! We ran in there and grabbed a drink, then security freaked out and the staff was all like "You can't be in here with the other teams" and stuff. Like there were any other teams in there. They all went to bed.

BARALAI: I'm... sorry? Anyway, speaking of the other teams, how do you think they're doing? Which ones do you think will win, and which ones do you want to win?

BARRET: I think those damn Turks or that fine bunny bitch with her queer partner will take it. Or maybe that kid and his mom. They're pretty tough. I want that skinny white ho to win though. She's fine as hell. Da one with the crazy mom. That or the other fine white bitch with her $@^#ing crazy husband.

DYNE: My pick for both of them is that dark gal Dona and her muscle buddy Barthello. I think they have what it takes, and I want them to take it. I just wish I could've gotten to know them more. Well, know her more anyway. She was too fine.

BARALAI: Well thank you both for coming. It's great to have you both here. Nooj, play us to a commercial.

NOOJ (O.S): I'm not a musician. I just turn you to a commercial, which I did about two minutes ago. In fact we just got back from commercial. So say "Welcome back."

BARALAI: See you next time.