Episode 6: Early Show

INT. STUDIO

Baralai sat behind his large wooden desk with the oceanic backdrop. Beside his desk was a large golden couch.

BARALAI (to camera): Welcome back to the show. If you're just now tuning in, you don't know that we've been doing absolutely nothing for the past fifteen minutes. For all you know, we were discussing the news, but no. The most interesting thing to happen thus far was when a staff member fluffed the couch cushions. But now we finally have something to talk about! We've been waiting for them for about an hour now, but please welcome the latest castoffs from The Amazing Final Fantasy Race: Brahne and Garnet!

Brahne and Garnet entered from the left with stage hands pushing them onto the set. Garnet sat on the couch near Baralai, but when Brahne plopped down on the other side of the couch, Garnet popped up and fell forward on the floor. She caught herself and avoided harm, but when she stood back up, Brahne was on her side of the couch beside Baralai. She took the other end of the couch and dusted herself off.

BARALAI: (to Garnet) Are you okay?

GARNET: I'm fine.

BRAHNE: See? She's fine. Now let's talk about you. You are dreamy.

BARALAI: Let's not. Let's talk about how you two managed to survive this long. I mean, seriously. A lot of people picked you to be eliminated first. And yet, you held on till the final seven.

BRAHNE: Who!? What meanies picked us to be eliminated!?

BARALAI: Err- nobody. But you know, just in case anybody did...

GARNET: We were a very balanced team. Mother was aggressive and I'm fairly calm. We made up for each others' weaknesses.

BARALAI: I see. Well actually, I don't. Where are you, Garnet?

Baralai stands up out of his seat to see over Brahne.

BARALAI: Oh, okay. There you are. Sorry, I'm sometimes afraid that, when I can't see my guests, it means they've left the set and replaced themselves with a tape recorder of their interviews on another show.

NOOJ (O.S.): No, actually, I'm the one with the tape recorder and I just tell them to leave.

BARALAI: So this last leg, you two were doing great for a while. You did the detour very quickly.

GARNET: It was actually a very simple detour. It was easily the easiest detour, from what we heard of the other detour.

BRAHNE: What she heard when talking to that boy. Phooey.

GARNET: The only strain on our detour would be fear of being underwater and embarassment of transforming into sea creatures.

BARALAI: That was very interesting. Brahne, I laughed so much when I saw that you transformed into a half-walrus!

BRAHNE: (angrily) Why, dear? Why would you laugh so hard?

BARALAI: Because it umm... Your teeth were big?

BRAHNE: (laughs) Oh ho, dearie, that had me laughing, too!

BARALAI: Phew. Dodged that bullet. So let's talk about the killer roadblock. What happened there? I mean, Garnet, you should've definitely done that one!

GARNET: I know... I feel so bad for making my mother do that. I really thought the task would require doing something... evil.

BRAHNE: If only it was! I'd have blown the other teams out of the water! As is, I considered tripping that Yenke right into the pool of the undead!

GARNET: He'd have died!

BRAHNE: And we'd have won the race! Well, second to last, anyway.

GARNET: I'm sure murder is a large penalty that would put us out of the race.

BRAHNE: I don't even know the meaning of penalty!

BARALAI: Okay, okay, so killing hairy horned beasts aside, I have some more questions. Let's get to one that Brahne might enjoy. Brahne, of all the men you fell in love with on the race, which was your favorite?

NOOJ (O.S.): Oh god. I'm leaving the room for the rest of this show.

Nooj leaves the room and accidentally bumps the camera, which focuses the entire rest of the interview on Brahne's left knee.

BRAHNE: Oh it's so hard to say! Those two boys from the beginning with the gun arms really aroused my love for muscular men and futuristic weaponry! My, can you imagine what it must be like to be them? Wake up and turn off the alarm clock by blasting it to smitherines!!! Then when the servants come in to help dress you, you jump up on the bed and say "I'm not wearing your stupid clothes today!" and shoot them all to death!

By now, Brahne had jumped up and mimed her entire imaginary situation and was standing up in the empty studio.

BARALAI: Okay, okay, yes, I think we've all imagined killing our servants. (Baralai shrugs at the camera, but unfortunately, the camera was still focused on Brahne's knee). Please, have a seat. Calmly though! Please don't shoot Garnet into the skies again!

BRAHNE: (she takes a seat) Well, then those Ronso boys were always on my list of favorites. Giant, manly horns on their heads. And you know what they say: the bigger the horns, the bigger the-

GARNET: Mother, you realize I had a horn as a child.

BRAHNE: Yes, dearie. It was disgusting. Why, if not for my removing it, you might have grown up male!

GARNET: I... What? I was always female.

BRAHNE: Sure you were, dearie. Now where was I? Oh, my little Ciddle poo! Why, that was going to be one of my favorites. He was so cute being such a nerd. What woman hasn't fantasized about taking the nerd home? Giving him the night of his life. You know a boy like that will always remember his first and only time...

BARALAI: Umm, Cid is a very old man.

BRAHNE: Which is why he would love the opportunity to-

BARALAI: Please, stop. I'm feeling sick and I have to ask some final questions. Garnet, please, tell us about Watts. You two really seemed to have something going on during that last roadblock...

BRAHNE: What!? We race all this time, and she hooks up!? I mean, every ugly duckling has her day, but-

GARNET: Nothing happened! And nothing will. I am still with a man back home. Zidane. But at that point, I felt horrible for not doing the roadblock, and Watts was there to talk to me and take my mind off of things. Honestly, he reminded me of Zidane, at least then he did. It was nice to talk to him, but there was nothing more.

BARALAI: Really? Drat. I was hoping you could tell me something that'd get that taste out of my mouth from what your mother was just talking about. Two more questions. First, Garnet, what of the APBA? Or whatever it was. When you were teamed up against Balthier. I believe you knew he did not intentionally delay you on the first leg, but you all still held a grudge. Care to explain?

GARNET: We actually did not hold a grudge any longer, but we kept the alliance alive because we knew them to be a strong team, so any alliance against them would be an edge to winning.

BARALAI: I see. Okay, so last question, since it seems the camera is watching some portion of Brahne's lower half.. Brahne first. Now that you are gone, who do you want to win the race?

BRAHNE: Nobody! I hope the next leg leads them into a volcano where they all burn in hell! Oh, except my Ronso friends.

BARALAI: I'm... going to count that as a vote for the Ronso. Garnet, you?

GARNET: Perhaps Zone and Watts. They are both very nice. Or Ma and Zell. Ma is an absolute sweetheart, and Zell has a good heart.

BARALAI: Well, thank you two for being on. I deeply appologize to the audience for watching... What you saw. If only it had fallen on Garnet. Err- nothing! Oh crap, I said that thing about killing my servants! I was kidding, people! I don't have servants! And if I did, I wouldn't want to kill them! I didn't mean to-

The camera falls over as Baralai is trying to get it to watch something besides Brahne, but it falls over and the network goes to a "technical difficulties" screen with a picture of a cat eating spaghetti.