Episode 11 The Early Final Fantasy Show

INT. STUDIO

LeBlanc sat outside in a pink director's chair. To her right were Blank, Marcus, Irvine, Selphie, Vaan, and Penelo and to her left was Gippal.

LEBLANC: Good morning, loves! It's time to wake up to coffee and cleavage on The Early Final Fantasy Show! Our guests today are the final three teams from The Amazing Final Fantasy Race, Blank and Marcus, Irvine and Selphie, and winners Vaan and Penelo, who are currently my favorite because they're soon to be rich as hell!

GIPPAL: And?

LEBLANC: And Gippal is here, too.

GIPPAL: Thanks.

LEBLANC: Irvine, Selphie, it looked like you had it at many points, but you lost. What the hell, loves?

IRVINE: Not much to say. We thought Vaan and Penelo were out of it after the Detour, but they weren't. Sefie and I raced our best and we have no regrets. Well, except not winning.

SELPHIE: Yeah, we were doing really well. Maybe if Blank and Marcus hadn't sabotaged us at the Detour though. . . .

BLANK: Hey, we thought you were our only competition.

MARCUS: And it was fun. And people liked us ugly tonberries.

LEBLANC: It's because you're ugly. Ugly people aren't liked. Now, Vaan and Penelo, you nearly missed your flight and lost everything. What happened with that connecting flight?

VAAN: We kinda stepped too high.

PENELO: We?

VAAN: I. I stepped too high. I didn't think about how slow I was moving by taking such giant leaps. But it was fun!

LEBLANC: And Blank, you shared a taxi with the other two teams. Was that beneficial?

BLANK: Is anything beneficial when you come in third of three? I mean, it allowed us to have enough money to buy out the announcers at the blitzball game, but all that did in the long run was slow down Irvine and Selphie and make them lose. So really, I think it was beneficial for Vaan and Penelo that we had more money, which is...odd.

LEBLANC: It's because you're ugly losers. Speaking of ugly losers, Blank, are we going to see a romantic ending like we did last season with you and--

BLANK: No. Lucil and I are friends. I have a girl back home. Lucil knows this. Stop asking redundant questions.

LEBLANC: Fine! If you won't give in to my desire for romance, then I'm not going to directly speak to you anymore!

BLANK: Fine.

LEBLANC: But Marcus! You can tell us about your attempts to save your town. Were you able to make any progress on the restoration without winning the one-million gil?

MARCUS: No.

LEBLANC: You two are so boring. Fine, onto Vaan and Penelo. Talk about Sphere Break! How stupid are you? Don't you know that game is impossible?

PENELO: We sorta figured that out. It sounded fun and puzzle-based, but it was a lot weirder than we thought. We had to learn so many rules in so little time! And the ones! They just pop up and ruin everything! Everything is a multiple of one!

VAAN: Penelo kept wanting to switch, but switching Detours is a fatal flaw! We couldn't do that, even though it probably would've been best. Sorry, Penelo.

PENELO: It's fine, Vaan. We won!

LEBLANC: Tell me about the chocobo Roadblock thing...somebody. We really didn't see much of it. What happened, loves?

MARCUS: It wasn't a very fun Roadblock. We chased around chocobos, basically. Somehow flying --or really high jumping-- wears chocobos out, but running doesn't. So we just kept trying to block them. From what I understand, more important things happened outside.

LEBLANC: Yes, with the old man, Maechen. Penelo, you listened to him?

PENELO: Sadly, I have to admit that it was very hard to listen to. I think I dozed off a couple times, but I knew I had to listen just in case we needed to know something. And he basically spilled everything! The only thing he left out was that our specialized, fake cloisters were slightly different from his. Most of the mechanics were the same, but they added a few adjustments to account for the new puzzle. Normally, one of the five parts of the symbol on the ground are lit by the spheres in the door, but we couldn't access those anymore, so they provided a smaller recess in the floor. Also we used a Destruction Sphere to reach the next level instead of some elevator thing.

VAAN: He really told you a lot, didn't he?

PENELO: You wouldn't believe it. I kinda felt like I was the one doing the Roadblock for enduring it! Maechen, if you're watching, thank you so much! I really don't mean to say bad things; you are a great historian and scholar!

LEBLANC: Don't worry about him. He only watches the History Channel. So who did the Roadblock fastest?

IRVINE: I did, but we were all pretty similar. I would've done it faster, but I think the chocobo read my mind.

VAAN: Mine too!

IRVINE: Yeah? I knew it. It makes a noticeable tell for where it was going, but I...I think the chocobo knew it had a tell. It bluffed!

SELPHIE: Calm down, Irvy, Calm down. We've had this conversation before, Leblanc. He's really annoyed by that chocobo.

LEBLANC: I've no doubt chocobos are smarter than you all, but enough of the chocobos. Penelo, did Maechen give you better directions or what? How did you catch up at the end?

PENELO: No, I think the biggest benefit to Maechen was that I got directions before Vaan was even finished with the Roadblock. That, and the history lesson. It was nice to know about the Djose cloister, too. I paid extra attention to it since cloisters have been featured in the other two seasons as well, so there was a chance it'd appear again.

VAAN: She did great at solving the cloister though! I helped a little, but I mostly focused on the spheres.

LEBLANC: Okay, The Blank, you are unshunned. Tell me about your time in the cloister. You two were ahead on solving the puzzle for a long time based on...guessing?

BLANK: The Blank? It's just Blank.

LEBLANC: You're really close to being re-shunned.

BLANK: Thing is, there were twenty-six spheres in that bag and the clues weren't very easy. They didn't tell us they were Roadblocks, and some of them like the dang hammer weren't even actual parts to the Roadblocks. It's hard to solve a puzzle when you don't even know what puzzle you're solving, so we took an easier approach and just solved the words.

MARCUS: Our clues are usually written the same way, so it's pretty easy to figure them out. Like, we knew we needed an O for a really long time, but we couldn't find that last hole. When we found the path upstairs, we were hoping to see five through ten, but it was only six through ten. We finished the puzzle really fast and even had that sphere aside, but then we had to go back and solve the puzzle.

BLANK: We eventually did, but not nearly as fast as the others. We focused too much on solving the clue and not enough on solving the cloister. It was a mind-boggling final task.

LEBLANC: How about you two, Irvine?

IRVINE: Selphie really wants a chance to talk. Ask her.

SELPHIE: Aww, thanks, Irvy!

LEBLANC: I didn't ask you yet!

SELPHIE: Please? I'll compliment your nails!

LEBLANC: You will!? Selphie, please speak.

SELPHIE: Thanks! By the way, your nails are fabulous. That shade of pink looks great on you!

LEBLANC: You're my new favorite. Continue.

SELPHIE: We were screwed with a capital S! So there are twenty-six spheres, right? And sixteen of them are total duds! Well, we used our Fast Forward on possibly one of the hardest Roadblocks to figure out in that puzzle. It was just some voice screaming hallaballallala or something! How the heckles does that work?

ORMI (O.S.): Hallebalooyas!

SELPHIE: Thanks! Yeah, that. So we switched over to the Blank and Marcus solution method. It worked, but not well enough.

VAAN: We got caught on that sphere, too! I was cataloging all the spheres and I put that one in the "no" category. Penelo did that Roadblock and never mentioned his victory catchphrase to me.

PENELO: Sorry, Vaan. I would've if I thought it would have been important at all!

BLANK: We got stuck on that one, too, but we were just locked out.

LEBLANC: Okay, I think I'm done. Ormi, Logos, any questions?

LOGOS (O.S.): No. I've been watching quality TV, not that garbage.

ORMI (O.S.): He's just angry because you didn't picks us for the race. I gots a question though! Penelo fell at the end and it really looked like Irvines and Selphies were gonna catch up! What happened?

PENELO: It wasn't as bad as it looked. Scrapes can look nasty, but there's just some stinging. No broken bones or pulled muscles, so I was fine to run. Irvine and Selphie were definitely faster than we were, but our headstart was more than it seemed. We were already at the foresty part when they got to the grassy place. You can kinda see it in the editing.

IRVINE: I can't say I wasn't excited to see Penelo fall. They were so far ahead and, slow or not, there was no catching them. So seeing her fall was kind of refreshing. Sorry, Penelo.

PENELO: It's okay.

IRVINE: I actually kind of hoped that Vaan was too in-the-moment to notice that Penelo fell. Would've been hilarious to win because Vaan forgot his partner.

VAAN: Hilarious. Riiight.

LEBLANC: Okay, enough of this. Gippal, do whatever you have to do! You have five seconds!

GIPPAL: I need more than that, but it's okay, I brought a back-up strategy. I knew you wouldn't give me very long, so I brought Nooj with me to distract you!

LEBLANC: MY NOOJIE-WOOGIE!

Leblanc runs off screen after an unmoving Nooj in the distance.

GIPPAL: Okay, people at home, pay attention. That's only a cardboard cutout of Nooj, because he said and I quote, "No, I'm not going," so we only have about a minute until she figures out he's two-dimensional. I'm here to present this check for one-million gil to the winners of season three of The Amazing Final Fantasy Race, Vaan and Penelo! Our youngest, most co-ed team yet!

Gippal handed the oversized check to a very excited Vaan and Penelo. The audience in the background as well as the runners-up applauded them.

LEBLANC: THIS ISN'T MY NOOJIE!!!

GIPPAL: Okay, she's coming back and going to kill us all, so I've gotta run. But viewers, tune in next season! We have an all-new cast and it's definitely our last season of new people, so this is your absolute last chance to get on the show! After that, we have two seasons of returning cast. Season five is Fallen-Stars, featuring those that were eliminated before their time, or so they feel, anyway. Then, the last season ever will be season six, the All-Stars season, featuring all the best teams from the first four seasons. Tune in to see who is the biggest winner ever!

LEBLANC: YOU'RE DEAD, GIPPAL!

GIPPAL: Gotta run. Bye!

Gippal ran toward Logos and knocked over the camera as he left. Leblanc ran after him and after doing so, Nooj could be seen in the background, watching in the audience and laughing. Baralai and Pain, who were standing beside him, were laughing as well.