Ha! I win! All red!
     "Mother, no quoting Ocean's Eleven... and you don't even have all red!"
     All black?
     I couldn't take it anymore. I had to help Tiffany play, Mother made up her own rules, and Aeris was staring a little too closely at my nudie girl deck of cards. Hey, they were all I had with me, and you can't play cards without cards.
     Hey Sephy? What's Ocean's Eleven?
     "It's a movie, Mother."
     But there are only five oceans... is Ocean's Eleven a space movie?
     "I hate you, Mother, I really do."
     I walked over to the window and looked out. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Monsters flying unconscious past the windows after Vincent hit them, old mountains with no way of climbing them except by chocobo, Tifa standing by a broken down red sports car with a sign reading 'GS or bust'... Wait! I ran to the door and busted through it, remembering to tuck and roll when I hit the ground. Desperate? Of course not. The problem with my dramatic escape from the motor home was that only Mother noticed I jumped out, and she refused to tell anybody. It drove on, and now I was Mother less. I'd cheer, but being apart from her, I just knew that I was going to be hit with such a big lawsuit that my massive amounts of Mastered 'All' Materia is going to be gone in seconds. But that's in the future. Now is now. Now is alone with Tifa. No Tiffany to tell on me, no Mother to read my obscene thoughts, just me and her, and this rock embedded in my forehead. I walked over to Tifa. She was looking hotter than ever 'cause she had motor oil all over her shirt and face. Any woman who even goes near an engine instantly goes up in hottness.
     "Hey," I said, looking at the car so as not to make eye-contact. I may still be on thin ice with her. "Car problems?"
     "Hiya," she replied more friendly than I'd expected her to be. "Yeah, car problems. I should have stopped at Gongaga 'cause I was having problems ever since that green monster petrified my tire. Anyway, could you maybe help me out since apparently neither of us have a way of getting anywhere?"
     Don't say it. We all know that it is really weird that Tifa is covered in motor oil for tire problems. I'm not going to ask. I searched my pockets and found a soft. You know, a soft. The things that cure petrify and if used properly are excellent for getting high. I only carry them because of petrify of course. "So, I have to ask you. Are you still mad at me for before?"
     She looked at me with her 'it's all in the past' look and said, "Ah forget about it. I actually looked online, and on Ebay I found that other people that have once stolen my panties are selling them for almost a hundred gil a piece. So it's not like you were super perverted taking them. And besides, the world has forgiven you for trying to destroy it. I think a mere panty issue can be forgotten, right?"
     I nodded and used the soft on her tire. She thanked me, got behind the wheel, and get this, she asked me if I'd like to ride with her and escort her to the Gold Saucer. Riding with Tifa, in her fully restored, convertible, cherry-red '97 Miar Zolem, to escort her to the Saucer... I'm in heaven. If only I could get those images of Mother taking the wheel from Vincent and somehow hitting the Gold Saucer in a way that brought the whole thing down killing thousands out of my head.
     Just then, a mail truck drove by us, and stopped next to Tifa's car. The new postman stepped out and handed me a letter which had Mother's official seal on it. Her official seal of course being an 'I -heart- Al Gore' sticker. Avoiding the letter, I looked up at the familiar mailman.
     "Palmer? From Shinra?" I said confused. "I was wondering what happened to you after the failed attempt to send materia worth billions of dollars into my meteor."
     "Hey hey," he responded, "it pays better than working under Rufus." At this, he drove off.
     Okay, I'm opening the letter.
     Hi Sephiroth!
I (Aeris) am writing for Jenova because she says she can't grip a pencil. Anyway, she just informed us that you jumped out of the motor home. Oh, and a quick question. Did you let her watch 'Blues Brothers'? See, she told us that she glued the gas pedal down and now Vincent can't stop. If this makes it to you, it's pretty amazing. Jenova said she'd take care of mailing it. Anyway, she wanted you to know that (now keep in mind she has a gun to my head and is forcing me to write this) she hopes you are enjoying summer camp, and said that as the last remaining male in the family since Jimbo was killed in action, you can come home and get an honorable discharge. Well, I hope to see you at the Gold Saucer when you get there and we run out of gas.
Bye then,
Aeris and Jenova.