Continuing on, I left Anorexia-
     "Leukemia- Er, no, Lucrecia."
     You're funny. Anywho, I left Leukemia to burn and headed for the Gold Saucer. Silly me though, I went the wrong way, and before I knew it, I was in Wahoo.
     "Wahoo?" What the hell is a wahoo? Oh, no, she can't mean... "Tell me you didn't go all the way to Wutai..."
     Yeah, Wutai, that was it. There were these awesome buildings there. One guy told me they were called Pagans.
     "Pagodas, Mother."
     Right, what did I say? Ah never mind. Anyway, you'll never guess who I met in Wutai. Go on, guess. I'll give you a hint. It wasn't Al Gore.
     "Hmm... Did you meet Barret?"
     How the eff did you know?
     "He's sitting right next to you. So Barret, why're you down here in the GS Prison?"
     "Yo, jus' let her finish her story," he said, seeming mildly embarrassed.
     Yeah, so anywho, I found Barret, and his little girl Martin-
     "That's Marlene!" The voice of a young, very troubled, very evil girl came from the other room, followed by a flushing sound. "Sorry guys," she said, walking into the room. "I had to take the biggest crap of my life. That turd o' mine was as big as a full sized asian woman! It clogged the friggin' toilet."
     Tifa, who before was biting her fingernails, was now hacking and coughing. "Marlene!" she said, "where'd you learn to talk like that?"
     "Well I have been touring the world with ma niggapapa and he's cracka' friend Dyne. They're gay together ya know."
     "Yo Marlene!" Barret stood up, "I told you not to talk like that! And we're not gay!"
     "Oh, yeah, right. Then why'd you take the gun off your arm and replace it with that?"
     Barret looked at where his gunarm used to be. It had been replaced by a robotic hand, perfectly made, but not perfectly colored. "Yo, this is a hand. It's much more practical now a days since this freak," he pointed at me, "and his bad mother-"
     Shut your mouth.
     "Mother," I said, "he wasn't going to cuss. He was talking about you."
     "Anyway," Barret continued, "Metal detectors got annoying, so there was no reason to keep a gunarm."
     "Okay," Marlene spoke again, "then why's it all poo colored?"
     "Yo, you know why! I told you already. They only make prosthetic hands for white guys, so they painted mine, and it was nowhere close to my skin color."
     "It's really poo colored," Marlene said, "in fact, lemme have it for a minute. I can check the pigment with the poo in the other room that won't flush."
     Ooh, yes, lets check it!
     I think Tifa was going to vomit. She leaned forward on the couch seat and put her head between her legs.
     "Hey, Tifa!" Marlene sounded too enthusiastic for her next words to be very kind. "Why's your head there? Are you trying to-"
     Barret smacked Marlene really hard across the face with his prosthetic hand, sending her flying across the room and into the rear wall. She stood up, unharmed, but she forgot what she was going to say, so she walked outside.
     "Uhh, yeah, so," I started, "Anyways <ahem> let's skip forward a bit. Mother. How did you, Barret, Marlene, and I'm assuming Dyne, get to the Gold Saucer Prison?"
     Oh, well, these nice Vikings-
     "Mother, there were no Vikings-"
     "Yo, uhh, actually," Barret interjected, "There were these Vikings that helped us cross the ocean."
     Yeah, so let me finish. The Vikings took us across the ocean and we caught a Johnny Cab that took us the rest of the way to the Milk Saucer.
     "Mother, Johnny Cabs were in Total Recall. You took a normal cab. And by the way, Mother. How did you cross the ocean to Wutai anyway?"
     Oh, these really nice pirates-
     "There were no pirates-"
     "Yo, uhh, actually-"
     "Oh man. There were pirates. I'm never sailing again! So, after you got to the Gold Saucer, how'd you get thrown in jail?"
     Oh, well, first, they arrested Dyne right away because they never caught him from his last little rampage in the Milk Saucer. Then, they arrested Barret and Marlene because Marlene was giving chocobos hot foots. And they arrested me for some odd reason. Something about being taken off cable... I just cut these thick wire things in order to prevent the space chickens from invading. They were being led by Doctor Robotnik!
     "It all makes sense now," I said. "Well, lets all get a move on. We need to enter the chocobo races to gain our freedom."
     FREEDOM! Yes! On my command, flank them!
     "Mother, please. Don't ruin Braveheart for me. It's just about the only movie I still like. You've ruined the rest of them for me." I hate just about every movie because of Mother. We watched Titanic, and afterwards, she sank every model boat I made. We watched The Matrix, and for a week she continuously tried to put insects in my bellybutton. We watched Face/Off, and well, that didn't end well. My face still hurts from her multiple failed attempts at removing my face.
     I want to take his face...off...
     Now that everything is clear, we're off to race chocobos. My new party: myself, Mother, Tifa, Barret, Marlene, and when we find him, Dyne.