Tifa led the way to some guy that would let one of us race on some crappy chocobo to gain our freedom. He was a lucky man in the prison, he had a trailer. We all went into the trailer which soon became very crammed, which caused certain party members to complain loudly...bet you'll never guess who...
     Hey! Who smells like armpit?
     "I wish I smelled armpit," Marlene whined, "I'm head level with Niggapapa's butt."
     Is that a personal noun?
     "Uhh, I don't know what that means, but yes, it's personal."
     Tifa talked with Mr. Coates to see about getting us out of this prison while Barret and I escorted Marlene and Mother out of the trailer. We went outside and saw Dyne sitting on a pile of old tires. Barret went to talk to him, and I got stuck talking to Mother and Marlene.
     So are Tifa and Mr. Coat Rack done 'talking' yet?
     "What are you implying by 'talking' Mother?" I asked.
     "What she means," Marlene said, "is that Tifa is going to walk free by having hot sex with the coat guy."
     "Thank you, Marlene. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me explicitly?"
     "Yeah, Niggapapa let one loose in my face while we were in that trailer. It smelled like rotten eggs and cat piss, and I'm really worried about his eating habits."
     Thankfully, Tifa walked out of the trailer about now, and the conversation could move onto something progressive.
     "How was he?" Marlene asked Tifa. Tifa ignored her.
     "Mr. Coates says that one of us has to race on the chocobo named 'Gimpy' and if that person wins, we all get to go free," Tifa informed me. "Well, he did say that if I wanted to race, I could ride the chocobo named 'Bouncy,' but I said no. So who'll race?"
     Analyzing the situation, I decided Barret was too big for a chocobo, Tifa doesn't want to, Mother has no legs, Dyne is probably a bit too big, and I'd never get on one of those damn birds. That leaves...
     "Okay guys," Marlene said proudly, "I'm off to mount the bird." She left with Mr. Coates to go find Gimpy. The rest of us went to a small viewing area for prisoners and watched in horror.
     The racers got to the line, a red chocobo, two blue chocobos, a green chocobo, a...oh crap... a gold chocobo, and Gimpy the yellow chocobo with a four-year-old girl who I could swear was riding the butt of the chocobo more than the back. In fact, there was no denying it, she was behind the chocobo holding herself up against Gimpy's butt. The race began. The gold chocobo waited mockingly at the starting line, while the others ran forward...well except for Gimpy who ran into the left wall. The weird thing about this race, I couldn't tell if Marlene was being very dirty, or had an extreme talent for controlling the crooked chocobo. When ever he ran sideways, Marlene prodded him in his large choco-ass, he yelped, and ran quickly in the correct direction. All the chocobos including Gimpy were running together...except the gold one...he was still at the starting line, waiting for everybody else to get a decend head start. Even with the prodding, Marlene was falling behind, but here's the amazing thing, Marlene was using one of Red XIII's old hairclips, and it was filled with powerful materia. No, I couldn't see the hairclip, but I knew she had it. Here's how. The red chocobo took the lead, but suddenly, a comet smashed the chocobo's head against the wall, thus, decapitating it. Then Gimpy ran between the two blue ones, an obvious gravity attack brought them together, and a freeze attack left them frozen together. Innocent enough, until the green chocobo was manipulated and forced to run into the chococicles, shattering them into millions of cold, bloody pieces. Then the most obvious use of materia happened when Bahamut flew in, biting off half the green chocobo and flying away. Marlene and Gimpy were nearing the finish when the gold chocobo zoomed past them. It didn't make it too far though. It burst into flames, but luckily, put itself out by running quickly through the outerspace portion of the short track, but that didn't help it. The chocobo was within ten feet of the finish line when thirteen easily identified knights blocked off the finish line and brutally murdered the beautiful, rare, gold chocobo. Gimpy walked tiredly across the finish line with Marlene bouncing up and down on him happily. It looked very dirty.
     I assisted Tifa by holding her hair back while she vomited. Barret and Dyne quickly raced onto the tracks, acting like they were scared that Marlene would be attacked by the chocobo killing fiend, but actually, pulling the hairclip, materia, and all other evidence of her cheating off of her and hiding them in one of Barret's large shoes. Mr. Coates granted us our freedom-
     FREEDOM!
     "Shut up, Mother," He granted us our freedom and Mother, Tifa, and I parted from Barret, Dyne, and Marlene. I took Mother and Tifa to the Chocobo Square because, well, Mother insisted we bet on some chocobos. Who'd have guessed it was closed down for cleaning? Still, we went into the betting area, and who did I happen to see? Well, it was Aeris, puking her head off. Apparently she watched the match too. I also helped her by holding her hair back. Then, the coolest thing happened. She was so happy to see me that she finished puking, washed up, and grabbed tightly onto my right arm, inviting herself back into the party. No, that's not the awesome part. The awesome part is Tifa got jealous, and grabbed tightly onto my left arm. I had two hot chicks hanging off of me. Sure I had no use of my arms, but I could walk around the Gold Saucer in style now...except the creepy thing that followed us...
     You're talking about me, right? Well, I have an escort too. This here, is that red chocobo's head, and this...well, I don't know what body part this is, but it's cool. They don't do much, but they're mine. All mine!
     I had to do something awesome, so I led the girls and mother to the Battle Square...what a mistake that was...