"Yo Seph," Barret said. We remaining people of the sector were all bunched into the Seventh Heaven for the day. The Seventh Heaven Girls (SHGs) worked the bar, serving free drinks. Tifa, Aeris, Dyne, and Yuffie were all playing a thrilling game of Hearts while Cloud, Vincent, Lucrecia, Barret and I chatted at the bar. Marlene was crawling around on the ground pretending to be a dog, and licking things she found on the floor. Mother was somewhere behind the counter doing who knows what.
     "What's up Barret? Think of something?" I said.
     "Not a solution to our problem," Barret said, "but more o' uh possible problem. See, normally we had mo' protection with da Turks and all, but now, they're gone. You suppose it's a good idea to be trapped up in one little, wooden room?"
     "Don't worry Barret," I said. "If you're worried about a sudden fire, then worry no more, 'cause I had Cloud confiscate all of the materia of everyone in this room, and hide it somewhere away from this place."
     Barret shot me a worried look, then spun his swivel stool to face Cloud. He held up four fingers. "Yo Cloud, if I had four apples, and I stepped on two of them, then how many apples do I have?"
     Cloud slapped Barret's monstrous hand away and held up two fingers, then spun his hand around and gave Barret the finger.
     "Yo, sorry man," Barret said. "I was jus' checkin' since you jus' been stupid not long ago."
     Hey Big Man! I think he's still stupid, 'cause he didn't say anything about the apple sauce made from those other two apples.
     I flagged down one of the SHGs. "Can you find her some apple sauce? She'll go on about it all night if she doesn't get some apple sauce."
     It's true.
     She found some apple sauce and poured a bit onto the floor behind the counter. Mother made some weird slurping noises, but most of us could ignore her.
     "I agree with Barret," Vincent said dully, still staring at his untouched beer in front of him. "This is a deathtrap waiting to happen."
     "I've got an idea," Cloud said. "When Marlene and Jenova got together, a very bad thing happened, right?"
     "I wouldn't say bad," Barret said," jus' disgusting."
     "Right, well, anyway," Cloud continued," I suggest we separate the two so that they can't cause too much trouble. Half of us guard Jenova, and half guard Marlene."
     What about the other half?
     "Mother," I asked, slapping my forehead, "what other half?"
     Oh wait... Oh, whoops, never mind. Forget I said that.
     "Okay," Cloud said, "so who is going to guard who?"
     WHOM!
     "Oh not the grammar thing again," Tifa said from across the room.
     "Well I'm definitely going to watch Mother," I said. "Turn on Sonic and she'll stay quiet for the most part. She'll spoil the episode, but at least she doesn't do anything too cruel like I imagine Marlene does."
     "Yo, can I watch Jenova too?" Barret asked. "Marlene is freaky. She plays Barbie dolls with scissors and red paint. Da other day I walked into her room and say two Barbies, one with her foot coming out da other Barbie's back, with blood splatters drawn on her."
     "Well, since Mother is easiest to watch, let's just ask who would like to watch Marlene. Any takers?"
     "I will," Aeris said. "I haven't played Barbies in so long. I don't think I've ever played like she does, but I can try. My Barbies always just did the nasty and cheated on Ken with her identical twin sister who was also named Barbie. My mommy took my Barbies from me after she learned I was playing Naked Savage Barbie where the village of fourteen Barbies found Ken washed up on the shores and used him to reproduce. Mommy took them from me after I explained this game to her and requested she buy me lots more Barbies. She told me these were too addicting, so she stole my Barbies and hid them in the attic."
     "Can I choose someone to come over and play?" Marlene asked sinisterly.
     "No," Barret responded.
     "Hey, shut yo fat black ass Niggapapa. It ain't you, so why would you care?"
     "Go ahead and pick," I said. "If she doesn't get to pick, then poor Aeris is going to have bad things done to her."
     "Exactly," Marlene said. "Okay, for my pick, I choose Vincent."
     At the mention of his name, Vincent looked as if he were hit in the back by a baseball bat. He stood up and turned around, still clutching his beer in his good hand. He looked around for sympathy, but everybody looked down and twisted their feet while whistling. He looked down to Marlene who stared up at him smiling evily. He chucked his beer at the wall behind Dyne. Some people jumped, but nobody said anything.
     "I'll go too," Lucrecia said.
     "Me too," Yuffie said.
     Me too!
     "No, Mother," I said. "The whole point of this is that you can't be with Marlene."
     Oh. Alrighty then. I guess me and da boys are gonna be playing Barbies then.
     "Mother, you've never liked Barbies. You always talk about how much they suck because they don't set on fire, they just melt."
     Well yes, but I've never tried playing with them like Marlene plays with them. That sounds like good fun.
     "Excuse me," Vincent said. "Can someone tell me why she wanted me to come play?"
     Marlene smiled again.
     "%#$@ this," Vincent said, "I'm just gonna shoot her and save us all some time."
     "Yo, no the hell you ain't gonna shoot her," Barret said. "Look into her eyes. Dat's exactly what she wants. I read it in dis book she keeps called El Libro de los Muertos, Ahora en Espanol. It says sumthin' about he who slays the evil one will have his body possessed for all eternity by the evil one."
     "You actually believe this 'evil one' is Marlene?" Vincent asked.
     "No," Barret responded, "but I didn't want to chance it. If you do, feel free."
     I think Big, Black, and Intimidating is just really bad at translating spanish. It probably said something like, 'don't rub kittens the wrong way or they'll bite you.'
     "Yes, I'm sure that's what the book said," I replied sarcastically.
     Alright, just for that outburst... Sephy, when we play Barbies, you get Ken, but you don't get any Ken clothes.
     "Mother, you never had any Ken clothes. You always made me just make the Barbie clothes big enough so Ken could have his own dress."
     "I can't believe you supposed tough guys," Cloud said. "The Great Sephiroth sews Barbie clothes so that Ken can cross-dress and he can play dolls with his Mother. It's cute though, really. So what's your teddy bear's name?"
     The crowd got quiet and moved to the sides so I could face Cloud. I think I liked Cloud better when he was retarded.
     "Okay, let's talk Captain Hypocrite," I said. "I seem to remember a certain spiky headed guy cross-dressing himself!"
     "I had no other choice!" Cloud yelled back.
     "I think I would have tried a bit harder to find another way into Don Corneo's mansion."
     "It's true that he didn't fight it much," Aeris chimed in from the crowd. "He didn't need much convincing."
     "Shut up Aeris!" Cloud yelled. "It was the only way."
     "There's always another way!" I said. "You would never catch me in a dress."
     What about that one time Sephy?
     "Shut up Mother!" I yelled. "I didn't have to put on a dress to get into Shin-Ra! I just went in slashing. What stopped you from doing that in the mansion?"
     "We needed information," Cloud said. "I couldn't kill him or anyone else, and I needed to get in there to get Tifa quickly."
     "Oh yeah, 'cause you care so much about the ladies. Most guys would have made a move on any of your female companions after being with them so long."
     "I did! I dated Aeris!"
     "Who hasn't?"
     Aeris smiled and looked around to see if anyone was looking at her, but all eyes were on Cloud and I.
     "Besides," I continued. "You call that a date? She kicked your ass on stage, then you went to the perfect make-out place: The Round Square, but the whole time up there, you sat across from her and continuously looked out the window, or at her shoes, or at the ceiling. She kept rambling, waiting for you to make a friken move."
     "Well, I wasn't interested because I was waiting to hook up with Tifa."
     "Yeah, and we all know you did that," I said sarcastically.
     "I did! We slept together!"
     "She slept on your shoulder! That's way different."
     Cloud moved toward me until we were only inches apart.
     "Well I'm sure you could understand," Cloud said, "You'd have tons of chicks by now if you weren't in a relationship with your right ha-"
     "YO! GUYS!" Barret yelled from somewhere in the crowd. "Enough. We got bigger problems than you guys gettin' laid. Both Marlene and Jenova made a run for it I guess, 'cause I can't find them anywhere!"