The journey to find Marlene continued. Mother continued to play with one of Vincent's guns, but he made sure to take all the bullets out. He also put the safety on because we all agreed that there's no such thing as too safe when it comes to Mother. Kalm was our first stop on the quest to find Marlene. We knew it wouldn't take long to check Kalm because there is only one sleazy bar in Kalm in the section of the town that nobody knows about except for people like Scarlet, the Turks, and Aeris.
     Aeris was bouncing up and down excitedly. "Ooh goodie Pecker," Aeris said to her chocobo. "I've never been here before, but I've heard so many good things about it. I heard that this is such a disgusting bar, that you can't even tell the gender of the stripers. The bar is simply called 'Thingies.' I can't wait."
     "Well that settles it," Vincent said. "I'm waiting in the car."
     "Bad idea pal," Reno said. "The Ghetto Mobile gets really hot inside when it's not moving. You'd be a person crispy in a matter of minutes."
     "Why does it's movement have anything to do with it?" Vincent asked.
     "The windows are down so we get some air in here," Rude said. "When it's stopped, it gets hot."
     "Once we left a thermometer in here," Elena added. "We only left it for ten minutes and it was over two-hundred and sixty degrees in here."
     "It's something with the way it was built," Tseng said. "The heat of the engine lets out into the car or something."
     "Hey I gotta question fo' you guys," Barret said. "What'd you do ta Dyne?"
     "I think Reno spiked his beer," Reno said.
     "How do you spike alcohol?" I asked.
     "Dude wait," Rude said. "We didn't spike his drink. We spiked Rude's though."
     Jenova is suspecting typos.
     "Actually no Mother. They're really talking in third person."
     You're doing it again. You're making this conversation really odd. You're talking about typos even though it's verbal dialogue going on.
     "You mentioned the typos," I said.
     I know! Stupid! I was referring to myself in second person!
     The Ghetto Mobile stopped by the bar in Kalm and everyone got out quickly; the sane ones quicker than the others.
     So I was first out, right?
     The bar had a sign that said 'You Must Be 21 Or Older To Enter' then another sign that said 'ah who're we kidding? we don't have security.' Tseng pushed the door open, but instead of swinging open, it just fell to the ground.
     "What the hell Tseng?" Reno said.
     "Yeah dude. Did you forget about that?" Rude said.
     "Yeah I did," Tseng said. "It's been a while since I've been here." Tseng picked up the door and propped it up against the wall. We all walked in, then Tseng put the door back in the doorframe.
     "Turks!" a large man at a corner table yelled.
     "Col. H!" They all responded in unison then ran over to his table. Aeris, Vincent, Barret, Mother, and I walked behind the Turks until we were close enough to confirm that the shady fat man was indeed Colonel Heidegger of Shin-Ra. The Turks took turns shaking Heidegger's hand, then they sat at the extra chairs at his table.
     Heidegger whistled and made a swirling motion with his hand to a nearby waitress. "Bring me and my buds here a round Wench!"
     "That's awfully rude," Aeris said.
     "No it isn't," Elena responded. "The waitress's name is Wench, the cook is Dick, and the DJ is Assface. They all come from the same family, and we think the parents hated their children."
     Wench came out with a tray of beers and served them to the Turks and Heidegger.
     "Yo, you guys fo'gettin' somethin'?" Barret said.
     "Oh I didn't see you all there," Heidegger said. "Wench! Bring the newcomers some brews too!"
     "I wasn't talking about that," Barret said. "I thought we was jus' fighting with you a few days ago. Back at Shin-Ra. With the Cait Sith Robots. The Turks seemed to really wanna kill you."
     "Is this true?" Heidegger asked, looking at all the Turks.
     "You bet your fat ass!" They all responded in unison and held their beers above their heads.
     "Gya ha ha ha ha!" Heidegger laughed and raised his beer as well. The rest of us stood confused while Wench handed each of us a beer. I took Mother's beer and gave it back to Wench.
     Aww. Oh well. Hey Sephy. Where's the script the Turks are reading? They sure do things in unison a lot.
     "You must have misunderstood us," Tseng said. "We weren't protesting against Col. H here, we were protesting Shin-Ra and its dental plan. We're still buds with Col. H though. He was just doing his job when he had the robots try to kill us."
     "Yeah, that reminds me," Reno said, punching down his sixth beer. "You shot me in the ass you fat %$@^."
     "Gya ha ha ha ha! That was Scarlet controlling that Sith," Heidegger said. "She and I were placing bets on which of you'd take a bullet to the cheeks first. I should be getting angry at you. You lost me twenty gil."
     "Ladies and gentlemen," Assface's voice came over the speakers. "Put your hands together for our newest, youngest dancer. Her bio here says she loves Teletubbies, decapitation, and words like 'penis.' People put your hands together for Tampon!"
     "Yo, I can't take dis shit," Barret said, running to the stage before the performer could come on stage. "I think I'm gonna have a brain tumor soon or sumthin',"
     The youngest performer was of course Marlene, who came out wearing a dress made out of a bunch of cotton balls taped together which was on top of her normal purple dress. Barret pulled her off stage immediately and took her cotton ball dress off.
     "Ahhh!" Marlene yelled. "Angry black man! Rape! Help me Assface!" She stopped screaming and looked at Barret. "Oh, it's you. I mean, Papa! You're here!"
     "Shu' up Marlene," Barret said.
     "What a lovely day, isn't it Papa?"
     "What you playin' at?" Barret asked suspiciously.
     "It's so wonderful to see you again. I've missed you so much."
     "Dis ain't foolin' anybody. You jus' happy that you actually got to use yo' stripper name you thought up a few weeks ago?"
     "Shit niggapapa! I tries to be nice like befo', but you's jus' so damn black and can't take a friendly white greeting. Do ya want me to greet you like 'shiznatch my brudda, what be's up in dis thang holmes? How da man been treatin' ya dawg? Snach up any fine-ass white bitches lately?'
     Should I talk to you like that Sephy?
     "Try it," I said.
     Hi there my black person. How is it being hung?
     "You need work," Marlene said.
     "Can I ask you guys a question?" Heidegger asked, making the conversation a bit more meaningful. "I have a business proposal for all of you."
     "No!" I yelled. "Don't tell me this was another way of getting me to talk to you so you can make me do something for you with no obvious compensation."
     "We'll just say it wasn't," Heidegger said. "But while you're here, I was wondering if you all could so something for us? See, there's a new company from Wutai that has been coming up and stealing our business, and we need you guys to stop them."
     "What kinds of business are they stealing?" I asked.
     "Well, nothing huge right now, but we fear they'll take over completely some day. People are buying all sorts of things from them like cars and video games, and it seems like pop. culture is revolving around them anymore with their expensive food and overrated cartoons about giant space robots."
     "Why're they being so passive about their takeover?" Vincent asked.
     "Well, they already lost to us in battle. Remember the Wutai War?"
     "The big question," Aeris asked. "Will we be paid?"
     "You'll all be considered Shin-Ra employees with a weekly payment of five thousand gil as well as all spoils you obtain along the way."
     "I'm in," Aeris responded quickly.
     "Fine," I said. "I'll go assemble the team."
     "Choose your team wisely," Heidegger said. "And make sure you don't let that crafty little teenager know what you're doing. Her father Godo is the one leading this plan." Reno passed out. "And don't take too many people," he added. "If people suspect anything, the mission is off and you'll all be fired without any pay. Take about four people with you, and take my Turks here," he slapped his hand down on Reno's head. "And avoid travel by anything suspicious like airship. Act like tourists or something."
     Okay! I'll get my camera and giant road map!
     Heidegger resumed drinking after a quick handshake with Tseng. Elena and Rude dragged Reno out of the bar and threw him in the car. The rest of us also jumped into the Ghetto Moblie and we drove back to our Sector to assemble our party.