We entered Junon and immediately broke into the house at the entrance to the city for a rest break.
     I thought we were in a hurry.
     "Yes Mother," I said. "Don't forget though. We're also incredibly lazy and don't really care what happens to Shin-Ra."
     Oh. I'm ordering a pizza then. If you need me, I'll be on the toilet playing video games and eating Cheetos until the pizza arrives. I love being lazy.
     Mother raced off to the bathroom but found that Tifa had already beaten her to it.
     Hey! No fair! I was gonna play! I'm Sub-Zero! Come on! I'll play you two-player. You can be Johnny Cage.
     "Tseng you suck," Rude said. Tseng gave him the finger.
     "What's wrong?" Aeris asked. "Why or what does Tseng suck?"
     "Dude, you can't tell?" Reno joined in. "Tseng pissed Tifa off and made her all self-conscious about her boobies. You didn't notice that she's been sulking all the way here?"
     "Way to go dude," Rude said to Tseng. "Way to piss off the hottest girl in the world."
     Aeris started fondling herself, trying to give her chest an extra push up. Nobody noticed except myself and Dyne who started mimicking her.
     Sephy!
     Even though I rarely drop what I'm doing to see what Mother wants, I badly wanted away from this conversation. I know how quickly conversations like that can turn into the 'Blame Sephiroth Game.'
     Hello everybody and welcome to the Blame Sephiroth Game. I'm your host Bob Thomplersin. I'd like to introduce my first contestant. She's blonde, she's dumb, she's hot, and she's a porn star. Everybody give a warm welcome to Flower Sunshine.
     "Is there a reason I came over here?" I asked Mother.
     Oh yeah. Sorry. I was thinking about this new game show I'm gonna host.
     "What about Bob?"
     Bob? Oh. Right. That's the name I'm gonna use when I host. A lot of Bob's host game shows, and I don't wanna break the trend.
     "So why did I come over here?"
     To see my new trick. I learned it just now. Watch.
     Mother started straining really hard until a greenish cloud came out of the earlike hole in the side of her head.
     "What the hell was that?"
     That was a brain fart. A literal brain fart. I learned how to fart actual information out of my brain!
     "Sounds like a good talent to have. So what information did you lose?"
     Oh. I dunno. Something about the locations of seven different fires I set in Midgar before we left. Don't worry. I've also learned the reverse brain fart. Watch.
     The cloud that was hovering disgustingly next to her suddenly went back into the hole in her head.
     "That's so damn gross," I said.
     "No way man," Marlene yelled running excitedly into the room. "That is so freaking cool! Lemme try."
     "No way Marlene," Barret said following her into the room. "I forbid it. Da las' time you tried somethin' like that you crapped yo' self. I ain't gonna help clean it up if you do."
     "Geez Niggapapa. I won't crap myself. Besides, I'm wearing a dress and no undershorts. No mess for me."
     Barret and I pondered this for a bit. When we realized what she was talking about, Barret picked her up and carried her over to a bathroom, opened the door, threw her in, closed the door, and propped a chair against the knob.
     The room was now mostly silent except for Mother's brain fart noise. It sounded like, well, a fart. I took this opportunity to call Rufus to find out about Mother's fires.
     "What's that?" Rufus said on the phone. "I can barely hear you over all the sirens. It was weird. There were like, eight fires that just erupted in the city a little while ago. Fire trucks are everywhere."
     I hung up.
     He was wrong you know. There were seven.
     "Thanks Mother," I said. "I'd hate for Rufus to be wrong."
     Mother? Me? I'm your mother? Who is this man? Security!
     She sucked in her recent brain fart and went on like nothing happened.
     Nothing did happen.
     "Mother, stop saying halfway intelligent things."
     You got it! No more smarts for me ever agains!
     "I think I believe you," I said.
     Did you know that Sonic is the fastest thing alive? And get this! He's a hedgehog! Isn't it awesome!? Oh my god! It's on! Where's a TV!?
     "We should get moving before Mother realizes that Sonic has been cancelled for years now," I said. We all agreed and headed out the door and toward the giant employee entrance to the city.
     Sephy?
     "Mother?"
     Why is the only entrance to the actual city of Junon an employee entrance?
     "Mother!"
     Oh. Sorry. What I meant was Sonic is the fastest thing alive and I have no intelligence whatsoever.
     "That's what I thought you said."
     We gave the guard 10 gil and headed up the service elevator to the real city of Junon full of hookers, fat guys, and crack addicts. I couldn't tell which part of Junon was the slums, this part or the part we were just in.
     "Okay guys," Elena said. "We're gonna be in the view of the public, so wear your Mideelean shirts and take lots of pictures. We Turks are gonna lay low in some of these buildings."
     "Yeah, and I gotta replenish my stash," Rude said.
     "Dude!" Elena said, then paused to check her own dialogue. "I mean Rude! You're supposed to talk in code!"
     "Oh right. I mean, I need to get back my assortment of random powders and injectable goodies in that low class establishment over yonder."
     "Yeah," Reno said, "and I'm going drinking."
     Elena sighed and dragged the two Turks away by the ears.
     Smile!
     Mother snapped a picture of us all standing around, then pulled walked over to a giant map of Junon which was behind a thick sheet of plastic.
     Let's see. We are here (I know this because it says so) and the pretzel stand is over there, so if I want a pretzel, I need to be there, so... Ah ha! I got it.
     Mother drew a 'T' in front of the word here.
     Hey! Where's my pretzel!?