Hey Sephy. Sing a song for me.
     Our group slowly proceeded toward the ship boarding area where we'd take our trip to that place. It was so long ago that we'd been told where to go that I'd already forgotten, but we proceeded onward nonetheless.
     Sephy! Sing to me. Make up a song and sing it to me.
     "Okay," I said to Mother. "This song is called 'Ha! You Didn't Get A Pretzel' and it's all about you."
     You jerk. Those pretzels will be mine. Oh yes. They will be mine. I have a song though. This is the song called: 'Tifa is trapped with Marlene in the bathroom.'
     "What kind of song is that Mother?"
     It's based off a true story. It happened recently and I had to write a song about it.
     "She's right," Barret said. "I knew there was a reason yo' mutha was da most annoyin' thing 'ere."
     "We'd better go save Tifa," Cloud said. "Seph, Barret, and I guess Jenova. You guys come with me to get Tifa. Dyne, Aeris, and the Turks can get us our ship tickets."
     "Sounds dangerous, but I'm in," I said. "Mother. If you're good, then when we get back here, I'll buy you a pretzel."
     I love you Sephy.
     "That's not improving your odds for getting a pretzel."
     Sorry. Don't worry Sephy. I'm a good girl. I made up a song about it. It goes like this.
I'm so good, so good, so good-good
So nice, so nice, nice as I should
Have you ever seen someone good as me
If you do then I will stab them, with this key-
     "Okay, that's enough Mother."
     Cloud, Barret, Mother and I headed back down the service elevator and back to the house where we left Tifa and Marlene trapped. When we reached the house, Cloud kicked open the door and ran inside. I looked at Barret, and he looked back at me, then shrugged.
     "It's not like anything's in there," I said to Barret.
     "You kiddin'?" he responded. "Marlene is in there."
     We walked in and headed for the bathroom, which Cloud had already broken into once again by kicking in the door. When I looked into the bathroom, I saw Cloud hunched over the sink resting his head in his right arm with a crumpled up letter in his left hand by his side. Marlene was sitting by the open toilet playing some game involving toilet paper, a plunger, and Comet.
     "Yo Marlene," Barret said, making his way into the bathroom and taking the Comet from her. "I thought I told you no more playing the 'Cold Turkey Cocaine Quitter Game.'"
     "Should I ask?" I asked.
     "It ain't much," Barret said. "She claims she stopped sniffin' cocaine, then she starts doing things to distract herself from snorting up again. She starts ripping off toilet paper squares and flushing them one by one, then she plunges the toilet for about an hour straight trying to make the tp come back up, then she gets upset and starts sniffing Comet. Usually she passes out at this point and I have to take her to the emergency room."
     "I'm sorry I asked," I said to Barret, then I redirected my attention onto Cloud. "So Cloud, why're you so bummed out?"
     "This note," Cloud said, holding up the letter. "It says that Tifa escaped without us, and that she thinks we suck because we locked her in here and forgot about her."
     "Huh?" Marlene looked up from her toilet. "Man whatchu talkin' 'bout? Tifa wrote that but she didn't get out. She passed out when she got hit in da face wit' da door when Captain 'Look-at-me-I'm-so-macho-and-I-didn't-think-someone'd-be-behind-this-door-in-the-four-square-foot-bathroom' kicked in da door."
     I looked behind the bathroom door and saw Tifa lying on the ground, rubbing the red bump on her forehead.
     "Wha?" Tifa stood up and looked around at us. "Who're all you guys?"
     Whoa! She has ambrosia!
     "Amnesia Mother," I said to Mother, then looked to Tifa. "It's okay. I'll help clear things up for you. The creepy thing with the exposed brain is my mother, the spiky-headed fella is Frank-"
     "What do you think you're doing?" Cloud interrupted.
     I continued on. "The devil child snorting toilet cleaner is Marlene, the large black man-"
     "Oh my god!" Tifa screamed and ran out of the bathroom. "A large black man broke into my house! Help! Police!"
     "I think I have a new best friend," Marlene said, following Tifa out of the bathroom.
     "Hey!" I yelled out to Tifa. "It's okay. The black guy is our friend. Come back in here."
     Tifa came back in and walked straight to Barret. "You're my friend?" she asked Barret.
     "Yeah," he replied. "Name's Barret."
     "Oh. I'm so sorry."
     "No, it's okay. It reminds me of old times. You don't remember, but those were da exact same words you said when I first met you."
     "Let's get back on track guys," I said, directing my attention to Tifa again. "Your name is Tifa Lockheart, and I am your boyfriend."
     "You're my boyfriend?" she said seeming stunned, but not unhappy.
     Yup. That's right. Your boyfriend is my son, Sampson.
     "Good one Ms. J," Cloud said, giving her a high-five. Don't ask me how he gave something without arms a high-five, but he did.
     Tifa moved toward the bathroom mirror over the sink and started looking at herself. She first started brushing her hair off of her face, revealing the nasty red bump the door gave her. Then her gaze fell to her body.
     "Wow," she said to me. "You're my boyfriend, right?"
     I nodded.
     "Well you really hit the jackpot then. I'm hot. I mean, look at me. I'm bustier than a barbie doll. Damn. What happened there? Did I sleep too close to a Mako heating vent or something? Say. You don't just like me for my gigantic knockers, do you?"
     "Of course I do," I said. "That was the whole basis for our relationship. Remember? Oh, well, I guess you don't. Well, in summary, you said if I only liked you for your chest and nothing else, then that was okay because women's minds aren't important anyway."
     "I said that?" Tifa asked. "Damn. I'm definitely every man's fantasy if I said that. You really hit the jackpot. Do you buy me things?"
     "Umm. I'll answer that later. Right now, I need to do something." I reached out to Tifa's chest, and sadly, I grabbed the radio that still rested there. I pushed the button and said, "Hey Rufus and anybody else that's listening. This is Sephiroth. I'm taking over control of the radio because Tifa's having some slight memory issues." I turned the radio off before anybody could respond.
     "Sephiroth?" Tifa said. "Wow. That's a cool name. Is that your radio handle? Oh, and do you go by Sampson, or do I call you 'Sam' or 'Sammy'?
     "Sammy's fine," I said.
     "Great. Sammy. Let's go somewhere." Tifa clung to my arm.
     We all moved out of the bathroom, out of the house, and toward the service elevator.
     "If anything happens," Cloud said to me threateningly, "I don't count that as winning the bet."
     I gave Cloud the finger. We were almost at the service elevator when it opened and Aeris came walking out. We all stopped as Aeris approached us. She immediately pointed at Tifa's grasp on my arm and looked at me. I pointed at the bump on Tifa's head, and Aeris understood.
     "Isn't that like rape?" Aeris asked me.
     "Probably on some psychological level, yes." I said.
     "Cool. Oh, but I've got some good news and some bad news. Well, mostly good news. See, we left the travel plans up to the Turks, and well, we now have a direct ship to Wutai. The problem is, this ship is a cruise ship, and we'll be on it for like, two days before getting there. So, just tell Rufus we got stuck in traffic or something."
     "Two days worth of traffic?" Cloud asked.
     "Hey, I never said Rufus was even slightly intelligent," Aeris said.
     "That's horrible!" I said. "No. Bad idea. No cruise."
     "Why?" Aeris asked.
     "Because Mother's seen "Titanic", that's why. She'll find some materia and make an iceberg. I don't know how, but she will."
     "We'll be careful. Come on. I wanna go on a cruise. Tseng got us some awesome tickets C-deck. I don't know if that's good or bad, but still, I've never been on a cruise, and it looks like so much fun! Please?"
     "How'd he get the tickets?"
     "Oh. He 'won' them in a poker game. Just like in 'Titanic.' Well, not just like 'Titanic' because he lost the game, but shot the guy who bet the tickets. There were only three tickets though, so some of us are using counterfeit tickets. Don't worry. We'll be fine. The Turks are professional counterfeiters."
     "Well okay," I said. "It's your funeral."
     "Great!" Aeris said excitedly. "The boat'll be boarding right there on the beach, so we don't even need to go up the elevator."
     Oh yes we do. My pretzel is up there.
     "Sephir- I mean Sam," Barret said. "Gimme a couple gil and I'll take Jenova to get a pretzel. I need to find Dyne anyways."
     I tossed Barret some gil, then Cloud, Aeris, Tifa and I headed for the cruise ship docking area while Barret, Marlene, and Jenova left to find Dyne and the Turks.
     And a pretzel.