"You know," Hojo said, "this has always been a dream of mine."
     "Riding on the back of an ancient creature with an even more ancient creature, a wolf, a fish, and a guy you've emotionally scared for life?" I asked sarcastically.
     "Oh son!" Hojo screamed, then hugged me around the waist. "It's like we have the same brain! I always knew you were my son!"
     "Don't touch me," I said, pushing him away from me.
     "Oh son, don't be that way. Here, I'll tell you a joke. What'd the big T little t say to the big T big T? He said, 'you're such a homo!' Get it son? Get it? Because he's homogenous instead of heterogeneous! Get it?"
     Oh boy that's a humdinger! Now I know where Sephy gets his sense of humor.
     "How about another sidesplitting joke Sephiroth?"
     Oh yay! Yes please!
     "No," I said. "No more jokes. In fact, no more talking please. I think our stupidity is offending Sapphire Weapon."
     "Nah, it's cool," a booming voice from beneath us bellowed.
     "Wait a sec, you can talk?" I asked Sapphire Weapon.
     "Of course," his voice boomed. "I probably speak more languages than you do. I've been around for thousands of years after all."
     "So has Mother, but she only speaks one language. Well, only one that I know of."
     "You expect her to speak more?" Sapphire Weapon asked.
     "I've come to never expect anything from Mother."
     Like birthday presents. Or food!
     The flight over the giant ocean was pretty long and slow, and by the time we were finally over land again it was nighttime. We were still slightly south of Wutai, but not far enough that we couldn't walk before it was too dark to see. Sapphire Weapon landed and lowered his tail to let us off. Once we were firmly on the ground, Sapphire Weapon took off flying toward the Northern Crater.
     "He's not coming with us?" I asked Hojo.
     "Bah ha ha. Oh Sephy, I see you've inherited my sense of humor too," Hojo said. "Of course he isn't coming with us. He only owes us one favor, then he goes back to the Crater with the other Weapons to grow in strength for the next encounter with evil beings such as Jenova."
     I wish I had a bellybutton. Then I'd have bellybutton lint. That'd be awesome.
     Referring to Mother as an evil being just scares me. We walked north and found Wutai, but it was very little like it was before. The pagodas and small huts were replaced with tall skyscrapers, which lit up the night with their neon signs of product placement, but the products were badly translated. There was a giant Coca-cola ad that flashed 'Do coke' every so often, and the Pepsi ad that obviously copied the Coca-cola ad and flashed 'Yeah, do cocaine.' The really odd thing was that the Wuts speak the same language as we do. I could finally see why Shin-Ra was threatened by Wutai. While the city was still pretty small, it was quickly growing into a second Midgar. There was even a giant banner showcasing their newest play, 'Loveless.'
     Hey Sephy. Can we go see that play? Sleepless or whatever? It sounds radical.
     "We have to purchase tickets ahead of time," I explained to Mother.
     It was about then that I noticed the air around us starting to get very smoky. I turned and saw Cid standing behind Hojo and smoking.
     "You guys want some tickets to that show?" Cid asked us. "I've got like, ten free tickets or some shit like that."
     "I thought you had a job back in Midgar," I said.
     Cid shrugged. "I think I was %#$^ing fired. Besides, I have a job here now at that 'Loveless' thingy. I sell tickets and they pay me like, five %#$^ing gil a ticket. But see, these damn tickets cost five-hundred gil a piece, so I just pretend to work for them, sell the tickets, and keep the profit for myself. Then I make up some shit about being robbed or something, and repeat the process when a new play starts up. So here you dirtbags go. Have some gay tickets."
     He handed each of us a ticket and left, completely forgetting about getting paid. The play started about five minutes after we got our tickets, so we walked quickly to the theatre, just in time to find our seats without missing any of the play, though we did miss a few previews. Two men were prancing around promoting their new play 'It's Just Men Now.' Once they were finished, the play started.
     A woman in a slim black dress walked on stage while the background lit up to show a dining room table. The play went on for what seemed like a century. Mother was silent through the whole thing. She loved this crap. Edwardo was even moderately quiet aside from the loud slurping from when he was licking himself and others. During the final act of the play, it started getting really sketchy.
     "I only wish for him to come back," the woman said. "I cannot live without him, and uhh, he's even kinda cute in an old grizzled kind of way. And I wish he'd remember his cue to come out here, uhh, to me. He maketh me feel like a dumbass for I am doing a soliloquy where I should be having a conversation with my supposed true love, who was supposed to be on stage four %#$^ing pages ago! And umm, undying love and shit like that. If any of you are still awake, you must be on drugs anyway."
     sniff. I love this play.
     Finally a man walked on stage, dressed in a manner that looked so much like Cid, that I was positive it was Cid.
     "Geez bitch," he said to the woman. "You keep orderin' me around and I'll punch you in the $#%^ing throat. I was on the john, taking a shit." He looked out to the audience. "Oh yeah. The acting thing." He looked back to the woman. "So what part we at?"
     "We'll just do the only part you know," she said. "Ahem. Do you really have to leave?"
     "I promised. The people I love are waiting... Of course-"
     "You skipped my %$^ing line!"
     "Well you paused so %#$^ing long, how was I supposed to know?"
     "There's a pause in the script! It's called acting!"
     "Just do your %#$^ing line."
     The woman brushed her hair back and shook her head. "I don't understand. Not at all. But... please take care of yourself."
     Cid nodded to her and said, "I'll come back to you. Even if you don't promise to wait. I'll return knowing that you'll be here." Cid pulled a cigarette out of his jacket pocket, lit up, and walked off stage-left. The curtain fell, and everybody in the audience started applauding. Mother clapped the loudest out of everybody.
     Encore! Encore!
     The clapping caused Edwardo to get frightened. He started howling at first, but then something really startled him and he ran out of the theatre. Mother continued to applaud.
     "Okay, I don't get it," I said aloud. "Why's everyone applauding? They messed up lines, broke the fourth wall, cussed in front of small children and Mother, Cid's solo was disgusting and easily off key, the orchestra is a bunch of guys playing kazoos, and the curtain has several cigarette burns in it."
     "Though that may be, son," Hojo explained. "They tried their hardest, and that is what matters. They get an 'E.' An 'E' for 'Effort.'"
     "Great," I said. "Well, let's go do our job. It's nighttime, so it's the perfect time for a covert operation."
     I led Hojo out of the theatre while I dragged Mother out. Edwardo was in the lobby eating some usher, but when he saw us, he jumped off the twitching man and joined us in leaving. With the group reassembled and bored as hell, we headed north to the only still standing pagoda in the city.