Like, duh!

     "Follow me guys," Yuffie said, leading us out of the pagoda. She waved to Godo before leaving, but Godo was too busy trying to revive his warriors.
     "Hey Yuffie?" I asked as she led us through several back alleys and restaurant kitchens. "Where the hell are we going?"
     "Like, duh," she replied.
     Exactly Sephy. Like, duh! I'm going to use that from now on. Hey Sephy! Ask me what's for dinner.
     "Mother, what's for dinner?"
     Like, duh! Oh my god Sephy that was awesome! I'm totally using that.
     "Yuffie, explain, now."
     "I was going to, geez," she complained. "We're going to see the guy."
     "The guy?"
     "Yeah, the guy. So anyway, this guy can hook us up with the best damn resistance fighters this side of the-"
     "Aww dammit," I said, stopping in the middle of some soup kitchen. "The best resistance fighters means we'll be teaming back up with Avalanche, doesn't it?"
     "It's possible, but I know. I do know that you'll at least be teaming up with the sexiest, best fighter in the world!"
     "Tifa's here?"
     "No!"
     Then it must be Dio!
     "NO NO NO! Me!" Yuffie said, pointing to herself.
     "Oh."
     Well she does have nice legs.
     "Fine! We'll take the short cut," Yuffie said angrily.
     Yuffie took us through a short-shortcut and soon enough, we were there. Where? I dunno. There was a door. It was red with a sliding door peephole thing like in Roger Rabbit. A man slid open the door thing and looked through it at us.
     "Password?" he asked us.
     "You can see us you twit," Yuffie said. "Open the door."
     The peephole closed and the door opened. The man was very average looking aside from his long beard, dark sunglasses, brown trench coat with the collar up and matching hat. The man led us inside to a room that made me want to commit suicide right then. There was a tie-dye couch, a lava-lamp in the corner with no stand, shaggy carpet, a retro coffee table with a bong on it, and a projector built onto the roof, projecting against one of the non-painted walls. The rest of the walls were bright red.
     "Yuffie?" I asked. "If you wanted to get high and watch porno with some hippy, you could've told me. I'd have waited outside and not had to be in this room that makes me want to throw up in my mouth, then on the couch."
     "Hey, don't disgrace man," the man in the trench coat said.
     "So who the hell are you anyway?" I asked him.
     "Me? You don't know me? I'm James.... FOOL!"
     Sephy! It's James! He's here!
     "Just pay attention and sit on the couch," Yuffie ordered us. "We have a slide show prepared to show what we need to do. We just need to wait for the rest of our resistance team to get here before we can move on."
     "Oh, there's only three of them aside from you two," James told us. "Two of 'em are outside, and the little one's in the bathroom."
     The toilet in the next room flushed with a very awkward sound, followed by a very awkward, yet familiar sound.
     "Mutha of Niggapapa! I could've told you that shit wouldn't flush! It's huge. It's bigger than a black man's-"
     "Yo Marlene!" Barret said, bursting open the front door and running to the bathroom door. He started banging on it. "Just pull your pants up and get out here."
     "I'm serious Niggapapa," Marlene's voice on the other side of the door said. "I think I need a size comparison. Can you come in here right quick?"
     Dyne snuck in quietly and walked to the couch were Mother and I were sitting. He waved without saying anything and sat beside us. Barret made his way to the couch and offered me a handshake.
     "Yo Seph, glad you could make it man," he said. I shook his hand and he took a seat next to me.
     Soon enough Marlene emerged from the bathroom with a plunger in hand and water all over her dress. "Sorry about the crapper Jamie," Marlene said to James. "You should've seen that turd. In fact, you will. It's still there. I think that thing's wider than this here plunger-ma-bobber. I think I might've given birth to some child. Some nasty poo-colored-"
     "Marlene! Sit!" Barret ordered. "I know you jus' plannin' to make some nasty reference, so jus' stop."
     "Starting the show!" Yuffie yelled, clicking off the lights in the room and turning on a projector. A picture of Midgar came up. "This is Midgar. Like, duh!"
     Like, duh! Yay!
     "If Shin-Ra continues like this, we're gonna have a world flooded with Mako cuz all these reactors will be all over the world, along with all their pollution. Now-"
     "If this is it, I'm leaving," I said, standing up, blocking the projector. "You already explained all this, and right now there's a window we're missing. Obviously the Turks have a boat or airship or something that they used to get here, and we need to sneak on board and kick some ass, right? So let's go. Our objective is to kick enough Shin-Ra ass until they remember that they're only a damned electric company!"
     "Good call Seph," Barret said, rising off the couch. "Peace James, but we've got this bitch covered."
     Barret, Dyne, Marlene, Yuffie, Mother, and I all left the tiny room and without wasting any time, ran for the nearest harbor. The streets were relatively empty, yet really really bright with all the lit up advertisements shining up and down the street, so finding the harbor was a piece of cake. We ran into the harbor immediately found the giant ship belonging to Shin-Ra. Hojo was onboard talking to Heidegger while the Turks loaded up some Wutaian liquor. Barret and I ran ahead while Mother and Marlene stomped noisily as they chased after us. Dyne brought up the back, walking around pointing his gunarm everywhere like some sort of commando. Yuffie was nowhere to be seen though.
     Barret fired off a couple rounds from his gunarm at the Turks' feet. The Turks spun around in surprise and Elena dropped a bottle.
     "Elena!" Tseng yelled. "Don't spill the beer!"
     "Sorry Tseng," she replied.
     "You'd do well to release the animals," I told the Turks.
     "You could always just give up what we need," Heidegger said, walking down the ship's ramp towards me. "I think you know what we want." He pointed up at Hojo.
     "You can have him," I said.
     "No son," Hojo said. "He's pointing because I'm going to tell you what we want. And we want Jenova. We never finished doing all the research on her since the last time you broke in and stole her from us."
     "You mean this whole thing was a plot to get Mother back? All this pollution nonsense and Wutai junk, just to get Mother?"
     "No no," Heidegger said. "We still want to do all that too. But this whole encounter was set up just to get Jenova to come with us willingly."
     "Fine, let's go then." I pulled out my Masamune and got into my fighting stance with my sword up by my face, pointing it at Heidegger.
     Heidegger stood his ground calmly, but the Turks immediately brought out their weapons and surrounded Heidegger to defend him. Barret and Dyne quickly jumped to my aid. Then, suddenly, a giant section of the ship's decking moved aside and a platform below rose up.
     "I'd like you all to meet the Proud Clod 4," Heidegger said. "Gya ha ha ha ha!"
     "Yo Seph, who's takin' on the Turks, and who's takin' on that thing?" Barret asked me.
     The Proud Clod 4's loudspeaker came on a second later and responded to Heidegger's laugh with it's own: "Kya ha ha ha ha!"
     "Never mind," Barret said. "The Clod's %#$^ing ours."
     Barret and Dyne walked passed the Turks with no resistance and faced off with the Proud Clod 4. The Turks faced me.
     "Sephenstein, you're ours dude I guess," Reno said.
     "Good luck Seph McSephster," Tseng said. "You'll need it."
     "No he won't!" Yuffie piped up from behind me. I turned and saw Yuffie lined up and posing with Gorki, Shake, Chekhov, and Staniv. "We've got your back Sephiroth!"
     "Yeah, now I've got confidence," I said sarcastically.
     Like, duh!