Hey Sephy. My food tastes like anus,
can I have some of yours?
Wasn't I asleep?
I know, it's just soooo sad. I get to play in this
room with Edwardo and Tiffany, and they don't talk back much. So I decided to
talk to you! But get this, that nerdy guy, umm, Mike-
Hojo?
Yeah, that's it. So Homo said that I wouldn't be
able to talk to you unless you were subliminatingly crunchious.
You mean you can only talk to my subconscious? Like
now when I'm asleep?
You younguns and your funny words, always shortening
scientific words like mine.
You think that subconscious is short for something?
No, it's long for subcon.
Wait, so if I wanna stop talking to you, I just
have to wake up?
That's what Homo Mike said. But anyway, I haven't
told you about my day. It all started- I woke up.
Aeris was cuddled up next to my arm asleep, which I might add was super hot, and
making this day look pretty good from the get go. Tifa was across the room (and
by across the room I mean all of two feet away) messing with the wall. I think
she had a spoon and was trying to dig us all out. I slid off my bunk and walked
over to the door. I bent down and pushed up the small food flap to look out into
the hallway. Across the hallway was a idiot who had decided to push open the
food flap and look out. It was Reeve.
"You didn't open the flap did you?" Tifa
asked. She looked at me and slapped her forehead. "Great, Thanks for
killing the peace and quiet. It's Reeve out there, isn't it?"
"Sup Reeve," I said through the flap.
"Anyone in there with you?"
"Hey Seph," he replied. "It's just me
and Cait Sith in here. 'Ey is that Sephiroth out thar? Yeah Cait, it is.
Why? Tell him I said 'howdy.' Yeah, I'd do that. Seph, Cait Sith says 'hi.'
Anyway, Seph, any plans for getting out of here?"
Reeve was one messed up dude. I looked back at him and
shrugged. I'm not sure exactly what he expected me to say. I've been conscious
for all of five minutes.
"Yeah, I don't know what to do either," Reeve
said. "Cait had some lame idea. I said we should try not eatin' the food
unteel we're rally rally skinny. Then we can slip through these here food holes.
See? That's his idea. I told him it was dumb, but he wouldn't listen to
me."
There was a noise down the hallway. Both Reeve and I
poked our heads out as far as they would go, which wasn't very far, and looked
down the hallway at the approaching feet.
"I know those shoes," Reeve said. "That
one is Cid, that one is Vincent, that one is Lucrecia, and that one is Shera.
The two in back are prison guards."
"Hey Nutbar," one of the guards said to
Reeve. Or me, I couldn't tell, but I think Nutbar is Reeve. "Move your head
back, you've got some cellmates."
Reeve pulled back his head and the guard opened the
door. Lucrecia, Vincent, and Shera walked into the cell and the prison guards
locked the door behind them.
"Shit, we're overcrowded," the prison guard
said. "Let's just pick a cell and throw ol' smoky in."
I pulled back my head and ran to Tifa. "Let's take
him in here," I whispered to her. "We can probably fight our way out.
It's only two guards right?"
Tifa nodded. "Good plan. You're pretty tough, and
I'm used to fighting with my fists, and maybe Aeris could umm, get dressed or
something."
I bent back down at the prison door and poked my head
out the flap. "We'll take him in here," I said.
The guards approached my door and kicked at my head. I
took the hint and moved away from the door. Tifa and I stood ready to fight our
way out as the door slowly creaked open. Cid slowly squeezed through our door,
then just as it was about to close behind him, I grabbed onto the door, put a
foot against the wall, and pulled as hard as I could. It was obvious that the
door was on some sort of mechanical timer, and I wasn't fighting the prison
guards to open the door, but rather some sort of electronical locking mechanism.
Cid immediately ran behind me and helped pull the door open. Combined, we were
able to open the door a good foot or so, but the door was growing heavier and
heavier.
"Shit! We're gonna lose it!" Cid yelled.
"I can fit!" Tifa yelled as she ran for the
door and started sliding on her side like a desperate slide into home base.
"I'll help!" Aeris yelled, throwing the bed sheets
off herself, revealing her well, everything.
"Holy %^&#!" Cid yelled, letting go of
the door and staring back at Aeris.
The door was suddenly a heck of a lot heavier, and I
was quickly losing the battle as the door closed another few inches, just as
Tifa began to slide through the door. She's an incredibly skinny woman, and even
though the crack in the door was very small, she almost looked like she would
actually make it through. But then again, sliding on her side, Tifa hit a bit of
a snag going through that door. Certain assets can get a girl popular, but when
it comes to sliding through a door, things are different. Needless to say, she
only slid through to chest level, then stopped when she was suddenly too big to
fit.
"Ouch! Shit! Cid you bitch!" Tifa yelled.
"Whoa, you know, from my angle," Cid lit a cigarette
and looked down at Tifa pinched in the doorjam, "I'm sure that's painful as
%^&#, but that's pretty sexy."
"Shut up and pull open the door before I'm cut in
half!"
I'm not too sure if it was because it was his job, or
because he was bummed that if Tifa were cut in half right now he'd get the worse
half of her out there, but the Shin-Ra guard helped push the door open a tad,
then pushed Tifa inside with his foot. She slid back into the room and
merely sat up and was looking all pissed off at me.
"What? I'm trying as hard as I can," I said.
"Sure you are. You're Sephiroth, and right now a
magnetic door is kicking your ass."
Outside in the hallways a strange noise started up. It
was so much like an alarm, that I'm pretty sure it was an alarm, complete with
flashing red lights. Suddenly, the door seemed much lighter, and the two Shin-Ra
soldiers came into our room and stood in the doorway. They were obviously
pushing on the other side like they were helping us or something.
"Come on! We gotta hurry!" Soldier #1 said.
"Before they catch on!"
"Catch on?" Tifa asked.
"Those're the guys that stole our uniforms! And
beat the shit out of us too."
said a couple voices down the hall. At first I thought it might be Mother since it was
quoting Spaceballs, but then again, this was an actual voice, which Mother
doesn't have.
"Dammit! We're screwed," Soldier #2 said.
The soldiers tried to hold the door open, but two men
in boxers and wifebeaters ran up to them and pushed them into our cell and
yanked the door shut.
"Damn, how could that plan not work?" Soldier
#1 said. "I wouldn't think that the great Sephiroth would even need
rescuing, but damn man. You've gotten lazy. And kinda fat."
"Hey!" I yelled. "Who the hell do you
think you are talking like that to me? And what the hell plan?"
"Oh yeah, that's my bad," Cid said. "I
was supposed to tell you guys. These two smooth-talkin' mother %^&#ers had
this plan to take some uniforms and try to break us all out." He looked at
the two soldiers. "Nice job dipshits."
The first soldier took off his helmet. I knew the
outfit fit him too well. Cloud was always pretty used to wearing the standard
blue Soldier uniform.
"Cloud!" Tifa yelled at him. "What a
shitty jailbreak."
Cloud shrugged. "It wasn't even my idea, it was
his." Cloud pointed his thumb over his shoulder at the smart-mouthed
soldier. I hoped it would be somebody that I liked, because otherwise I'd
probably have to kill him.
He took off his helmet. It took me a second to remember
who the hell this guy with black pointy hair was since I hadn't seen him in so
long.
"Zack?" I said. "Jesus, where the
hell've you been?"
"Fightin' the man in solitude," Zack
responded.
"That's a bunch of bull," Cloud said.
"You were arrested for child pornography and I had to break you out before
I could break these guys out. And that break out went so much more smoothly than
this one."
"So you're blaming me for this?" Zack asked.
Cloud nodded, then he finally noticed Aeris. His eyes
grew about ten times. "A-Aeris!" Cloud exclaimed.
"Wow, same old Aeris," Zack said, eying Aeris
up. "How've you been?"
"Good," Aeris said, still standing nude as
ever in the middle of the tiny room.
There might've been a bit more conversation in there,
but everybody was more interested in the wall. Not necessarily because the
conversation was boring, which it was, but because a small chunk of wall was
sliding back, revealing this small hole, which suddenly shot out some sort of
gas. I decided to quickly climb up to my top bunk and lay down on my bed.
"What're you doing Sephiroth?" Zack asked.
"Getting comfortable. That gas is most likely
knockout gas, so I'm getting comfortable. I don't really feel like falling on
the hard floor."
I was very right. A few of them fell over, heads
hitting walls and floors and such, but not me. I just closed my eyes and drifted
off.
So there I was. Me, Edwardo, Tiffany, and
whatshisname Mike. We played tennis, but we didn't have rackets or balls. It was
doubles, so it was me, Edwardo, and Tiffany versus Mike. I was upset because
Tiffany dropped her service game, and Edwardo just kept licking himself on the
court, which is soooo not tennis etiquette...
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