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And then this one time, Edwardo approached the
net, and Mike was all like, 'uh oh, he approached the net' so he lobbed it
over his head, and the ball landed in Tiffany's bowl, and so technically it
never hit the ground, so I volleyed Tiffany's bowl and it broke on the other
side of the net, and Mike had to rush to put Tiffany in water or she'd die like
poor late Jimbo, and I was all 'ha ha! I win! That's game, set, and match,
biotch!
So what're you up to Sephy? Are you taping Sonic for
me?
I thought you had every episode. Besides, I don't
even have a TV in here.
You don't? That sucks so bad. You're missing the
BEST Al Gore speech ever. Did you know he invented me?
He invented you now?
Sure did. I believe him too. Because he said so. He
also invented himself. He's a wise man.
Hey, I think I'm regaining consciousness. See ya
later Mother.
Bye Sephy!
Once again I woke up in our tiny room, but
the room suddenly sucked a whole lot more. With six people in a two person room,
and a constantly lit cigarette, this room was stuffy as hell. I hopped off the
bunk and went back to the foot hatch to breath some fresh air. Once again, Reeve
was sticking out the food hatch across from me.
"How goes Reeve?" I asked.
"Pretty good," he said. "That sleep gas
was sure nice. I haven't slept in a while, what with Cait Sith always talking. 'ey!
Shut up Reeve. Yer always talkin' bad about me. I don't rally talk that much.
Teyll Sephiroth that I'm not annoyin' and that icun be a quiet good keetty too.
See what I mean Seph? He's so damn annoying."
"Sure is," I said. "When was your last
CAT scan?"
"Ha, good one Sephiroth. I get it."
"No man, I'm serious. When?"
"All right! She'll do it!"
"Who? What? Lucrecia? Do what? What the hell's
wrong with you Reeve."
Reeve looked back at me. "Oh sorry Sephiroth. I
was talking to someone else. You'll find out what's going on in a minute, but
for now, you may want to stand back."
There were some weird noises at the end of the hallway.
It sounded like a few of those guards, and a very familiar little girl's
voice.
"Hi sir. I'm a umm, cute little girl selling
cookies. What the hell are they called. Oh yeah! GIRL scout. Would you like to
buy a cookie or something?"
"What a kinda cute girl. What kind of cookies do
you have?"
"Oh a bunch of good ones. Samoans, Thin Pricks, Travails,
Oh-That-Whores, Cumalongs, uhh Chocolate Scabies, Miso'ornies."
"What was that second one?"
"Eat shit and die!"
There were some really disgusting noises at this point.
I'll just sum up by saying lots of splattering noises and if a spine being
ripped from someone's body makes noise, then that noise was in there too. A
short time later, Marlene and her giant shoes came into view. She bent down and
put what looked like a Cait Sith (the cat part) into Reeve's food tray thing.
"Did you get the keys Cait Sith?" Reeve
asked. "Oh course Reeve! Yeh cun always count on mey."
A few seconds later, Reeve's door burst open. Don't ask
me how. After all, there weren't locks on the insides of these cells, so putting
the keys in the cell wouldn't exactly work, but still, I didn't question it, and
a few seconds later he opened my door. I stood up as Reeve showed me the keys,
which actually was just a small panel of buttons on a key ring.
"This place," Reeve said. "They think
they're so technological, but these keys, yeah, they work like a car with
automatic locks. Just push the button, beep beep, and they're open."
"Cool," I said. "I don't remember asking
you to explain, but it doesn't matter. Let's go- Oh, except that all my
cellmates are still asleep. Wanna help me carry them out?"
"Sure," Reeve said. "Dibs on Tifa!"
"Ha! Dibs on Aeris!"
Reeve walked over and picked up Tifa. He wasn't the
strongest man ever, but he tried his best at carrying Tifa. She kept slipping
out of his grip and he had to take a knee and get a better grip on her every few
steps. Me on the other hand, This was easy. I pulled the still very naked Aeris
out of the lower bunk where she's apparently passed out and lifted her up. Being
the nice guy I am, I took a bed sheet and kept her covered with it. Well, okay,
so I only covered the top part of her, and I still might've been copping a feel
here and there under the sheet. I also didn't want to just leave Cloud, Cid, and
Zack, so I kicked all of them until they woke up. I think I kicked Cloud a
little too much in the head though because once he woke up, he passed out again,
and Zack was forced to carry him. It was so cute.
"Shut up Seph," Zack said. "I know what
you're thinking."
"What? What am I thinking?"
"You're thinking 'boy he looks too used to
carrying him around.'"
"I wasn't thinking that," I said.
"I was," Reeve said. "Fags."
Reeve was certainly fun to watch, trying to carry Tifa.
He'd finally got a good grip on her, and I think if Tifa were to wake up right
now, she'd probably hit Reeve so hard his teeth would impale his brain. He was
carrying her face down, and one hand was holding her leg, and the other well,
it's a grip most guys would like to have on Tifa. Reeve looked over his shoulder
at me and gave a quick wink. It was at this point that I noticed that Reeve
looks like such the rapist, what with his goatee and all. I decided that for
Tifa's own good, I'd just keep an eye on him. He seems like a good guy, but then
again, they always do. I guess. I really don't have any basis for that.
All the other members of Avalanche and more came out of
their jail cells and joined one giant group as we headed out of the prison.
There were so many decapitated, disemboweled corpses on the way out that I
really felt sick. Yuffie blew chunks all over the wall, so I was glad it know it
wasn't just me.
"Yo Marlene," Barret pushed his way to the
front of the group with Reeve, Marlene, and I. "I don' care about dese guys
and how you gutted them, but how'd you get here? Isn't this like, a remote
island?"
"I rode the pussy," Marlene said, pointing at
little Cait Sith. "His tail makes a great boat maker-goer-thing."
"Propeller," Reeve helped.
"Yeah, that," Marlene said. "Now come
on. Ask me how I was able to bend that guy to shove his own head up his
ass."
Yuffie looked down at the corpse as we passed by it and
blew chunks again.
"Well I tells ya, it wasn't easy," Marlene
continued. "I learned there's this big pointy bone in peoples' backs that
makes things hard, so first you pull that out. Then, the head is a whole lot
bigger than the average-"
"Marlene please," Barret interrupted.
"You're making Yuffie bulimic."
"A better conversation," Zack started,
"would be how we're going to get Shin-Ra back. And honestly, I think we
could use this adorable little girl's help."
"No %$^#ing way," Barret said. "Dat's
cruel and unusual punishment."
"Well they certainly did screw up," Red XIII
said. "They put all of Avalanche together, combined with other anti-Shin-Ra
people in one small, easy to break out of location."
"That's half true," Reeve said. "It was
bad of them to put us all together. They really should've expected a breakout,
and now we've already got an army assembled. But I assure you, this was not an
easy place to break. You wouldn't believe what that Marlene girl is capable of.
There were all these mazes, and guards everywhere, and yet, she was able to get
through all of them undetected, killing guards as she passed. This one time, she
even stole a guard's gun while he was on patrol, then stuck the gun up the
guard's ass and shot another guard using the first guard as a silencer."
Yuffie puked again.
"%$^#ing A guys!" Yuffie yelled. "Stop
it!"
We continued to make out way outside. Yuffie jumped
onto Red XIII and rode him out with her eyes shut and her fingers in her ears.
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