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"Seph, this is bad,"
Reeve said. "If the guys on the boat see all these pissed off cactuars,
they'll turn the boat around."
"Thinking a bit ahead, aren't you?" I
responded. "We still don't even know how we'll get out of this without
needles stuck in our skulls."
"Quick! We need a virgin sacrifice!" Marlene
said. "Guess I'm out. Let's use Sephiroth!"
"Good idea!" Zack said.
"You know I'm gonna kill you after dis,"
Barret said to Zack. "Nobody encourages Marlene."
"I have an idea," I said. "It's a long
shot, but it looks like our only escape. Everybody climb onto the roof. We can
hide from the cactuars there."
"But Seph-" Reeve started.
"Just do it!"
The stronger members of the group which mainly meant
Barret and Dyne stayed at the bottom and helped people to the roof. Thankfully
they're also really tall. The cactuars continued to surround the one-story
prison and make their loud obnoxious noises. A few threw some warning needles.
One nailed Marlene right in the ass, so she was generally quiet for a while,
whining to Barret mostly. Once everybody was up, Cloud and I helped Barret and
Dyne up.
"If your plan was to run and hope they'd hide,
your plan failed," Cloud said. "They're all just standing
there."
Cloud was right. All the cactuars were circling the
building, swaying back and forth like some sort of cult.
"I've got a couple ideas still up my sleeve,"
I said.
"Yo Seph," Barret said. "Can't you
fly?"
"If you're thinking of me flying to the boat from
here, then no, I can't. I wouldn't be able to bring the boat close enough. Those cactuars would
probably just puncture it with their
needles and that'd end that. But I have a better idea. Somebody knock me
out."
Before I could even finish telling all those bastards
my plan, Tifa ran at me and punched me in the face. I was out cold in the blink
of an eye. I guess she was still pissed at me from before.
Sephy! Guess what!
Hey Mother. What?
That one guy, you know. Umm.
Hojo.
Right! Him. So you know what he did today? He did
tests on me! It was awesome. You really shoulda been there. I had to sit there
while he did a blood test. Oh, and just so you know, the results came back
negative.
Results? What was he testing for?
Blood! Like, duh! I'm still bloodless. He did find
this really awesome gooey stuff in me though. Like you know that game Gooey
Louie? It was kinda like the stuff that comes out of Gooey Louie's nose. I
played with it for hours once Mike was done.
That's wonderful. Hey Mother, I need a favor. It's
pretty important, so could you help me?
Why would I help you?
Because I'm your son.
Hrm. I dunno. You're kinda suspicious. Are you on my
AIM buddy list?
Y-yeah. I'm on it. What's an AIM?
Oh. Okay then. I guess I'll help you. Whatcha need?
You want out of there, right?
No. Mike's awesome to me! He does things you've
never done for me. Like yesterday, he gave me a CAT Scan! Turns out I'm twenty
percent cat! And before that, I had
electroshock treatment! It was shocking! Tomorrow he's going to "dissect" me. I'm not
sure what that means, but it sounds soooo fun!
Great, then I've got a time limit. Look Mother, I
need your help so I can help you escape.
Like that movie! Help me, help you. You know, Jerry
Springer.
Jerry McGuire. But yeah, something like that.
But I don't wanna leave. It's fun here! Mike pays
attention to me! And Edwardo can pee anywhere he wants! And Tiffany broke Mike's
window! She's so bad at bowling.
But Mother, what about Sonic? Does he show you
Sonic?
Y-yeah, b-but-
But what Mother?
But he cuts out the commercials! I like commercials!
A-and this one time, he left the commercials in, but they were the wrong ones!
Uh huh. He has the bad version. Only I have the
versions with the commercials from back in the nineties.
Sephy! You've gotta help me escape! I'm gonna go
insane otherwise!
Okay, then you've gotta do something for me. I need
you to talk to the planet. A bunch of us are stuck on an island, and we need
something to come and pick us up. So can you tell the planet to send a Weapon
over to pick us up at Cactuar Island?
Okay. No problem. I'll do it right now. Oh, and
Sephy. Today I got a picture of my brain!
That's great Mother. You mean the brain that's
almost completely exposed to the world as it is?
Yeah! That one!
Wonderful. They've got some geniuses up there. Now
pay attention Mother, because you already forgot. Tell the planet to send a
Weapon down to Cactuar Island to pick us up.
What for?
Do it!
Fine fine.
Looks like I'm coming back to consciousness. I'll
talk to you in a while Mother. I'm gonna bust you out today.
Bye Sephy!
I sat up and blinked a couple times because I was
almost certain that Tifa was in front of me naked. I was wrong though. It was
only Aeris.
"Can somebody contribute some clothes to Aeris?"
I asked.
"What's the matter Seph?" Zack asked.
"Don't like the women eh?"
"Shut up before I kill you. I just think she
should have some clothes, 'cause looking at her naked twenty-four seven is just
starting to take all the mystery out of it. I'm getting bored of her tits, and
that's never a good thing. It's for her own sake."
Shera walked up to Aeris and adjusted her glasses.
"You look about my size," Shera said.
"Your tits are a bit smaller, but this should still work."
Shera took off her lab coat and handed it to Aeris. Up
until that point, I've never noticed how incredibly hot Shera is. She kinda had
that whole nerdy librarian look going on. It was kinda kinky. Not to mention she
was well proportioned if you know what I mean. She wore nerdy enough pants that
were pretty baggy and pulled a bit too high up on her waist and held there by
thick, bright green suspenders, but the tight black tank top she wore easily
made up for the geeky pants. For the record, she's pretty much the midpoint
between Aeris and Tifa as far as size goes.
"Does this world have a plastic surgeon?"
Aeris asked as she put on the lab coat. "I'm sick of being the flattest
girl in the universe."
"You're not," Zack said. "That asian
chick over there is pretty flat too." He pointed over his shoulder with his
thumb at Yuffie.
"Still," Aeris said. "She's like, a
teenager. She might grow ya know."
"Hey guys!" Yuffie yelled at us. "My
ears are burning. Would you mind not talking about my boobs?"
"Yeah guys," Reeve said. Until he started
talking, I hadn't noticed that he hadn't stopped looking at Shera ever since she
took her lab coat off. "We need to focus on the uhh, escape thing. Seph,
what's the uhh, plan?"
"Wait for a bit. Mother will be sending a Weapon
for us," I said.
"Oh great," Cloud said. "So we're
waiting for your unreliable Mother to send a dangerous creature here to rescue
us. You won't mind if I bring my sword out will you? You know, for old times
sake."
"Nah, keep it away," I said. "Ever since
Mother took down Sapphire Weapon single handedly, the planet has been helping us
here and there so that they can have a rematch."
Just then something tapped my foot. I looked down and
saw a small, turquoise creature tapping my shoe. It was probably four inches
tall and looked like the world's biggest cockroach.
"You Sephiroth?" he said in an extremely
deep, almost Barry White like voice.
"Yep. Who're you?"
"I'm Aquamarine Weapon. Your Mother sent me to
pick you up."
"You've gotta be kidding me. I needed a Weapon
that could carry all of us."
"Yeah, and that's me. Now come on."
"Wait wait wait," Barret said. "Dis
thing gonna carry all of us? He's tiny."
"Hey buddy, shut your mouth. Yeah I'm small. Wanna
fight about it? Now come on."
"I thought you were a Weapon though," Cloud
said. "I've fought against some of you guys. You guys are practically invincible,
but I can take you down with my shoe."
"No you can't," Aquamarine Weapon said.
"Watch," Cloud said, and without warning, he
stepped on him. I had to move my foot out of the way before the spiky-headed
moron stepped on me too. After a few swipes of his foot, he lifted his foot up,
and Aquamarine weapon was just standing there fixing his antennae.
"Made your point now big guy?" Aquamarine
Weapon said.
Cloud's face started turning extremely red and it
looked like he was holding back tears. Then he bent down and grabbed his foot.
"Goddamn! I think the prick broke my foot!"
Saving Mother was going to be a whole lot more
complicated than it seemed if things kept going the way they were now.
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