Mother's Mind Games

     The Ghetto Mobile had a makeover, but it was still really crappy and the ride was hella bumpy. Not that I really minded a bumpy ride when I'm sitting in the back across from Tifa. She didn't seem to be enjoying the ride, and I know she wasn't enjoying the ride with Cloud, Zack, and I staring at her the whole time. This was one of those moments when I wished I had dark, mirrored sunglasses so she wouldn't know what I was looking at.
     Hey Sephy! Guess what?
     You're not going dark anymore?
     I got bored, so I decided to intervene in your thought process, and I told Tifa what you just thought.
     It was pretty obvious that Mother had intervened since Tifa was looking at me angrily.
     "I can't give you dark sunglasses," Tifa said, "but I can sure as hell give you a couple black eyes!"
     "Oh, fine, yell at me," I said. "Don't yell at Zack who has drool coming out the side of his mouth!"
     "You guys are horrible," Tifa sulked, crossing her arms over her chest. Yes, I tend to notice when she does that. "Maybe I should just go sit up with the Turks!"
     "I wouldn't. It looks like the Turks are giving each other titty-twisters up there, and if you're this concerned about us just looking at you, I think that'd be a really bad idea."
     That wasn't a lie. In fact, I kind of feared for my life with the entire front seat of the Ghetto Mobile reaching across each other, screaming, then reaching back across each other. Tseng, the driver, was probably being the worst as far as reckless reaching, but that was almost expected since Elena was in the farthest seat from his, and she seemed to be the number one target for titty-twisters. Go figure.
     After what seemed like an eternity of staring at Tifa trying desperately to prevent her own bouncing, we started nearing in on the tollgate into Midgar. Cloud, Tifa, Zack, and I ducked so that the tollgate operator wouldn't see us. He walked up to Tseng's window and shined a flashlight inside the car.
     "Hey guys," the friendly tollgate guy said. "Are you guys going to answer the questions straightforward this time? Or do I have to put up with your sarcastic answers again?"
     "I'll let you decide what's sarcastic and what's not," Tseng said. "Ask away."
     "Do you have any fruits or vegetables?"
     "I sure am," Tseng said, pointing to the Turks beside him. Reno had his arm around Rude, and Elena was staring at the ceiling with massive amounts of drool coming out the side of her mouth. "These two have been fruits for years, and Elena took one too many blows with a brick to the head, so she's a vegetable now. Oh, but for future reference, she likes to be called special. Right Elena?"
     "Yagaaah," Elena mumbled.
     "God, you guys rehearse this too often," the tollgate guy said. "Question two. Are there any people besides you four in the vehicle?"
     "There sure are," Tseng said, sounding very honest. I started to worry a bit, until the Turks finished it.
     "In my pants!" the male Turks yelled.
     "Great, thanks guys," the tollgate guy said. "You really make my job easy. Listen, I've got a line forming here, so just drive on already."
     "Awesome, thanks Jerry," Tseng said.
     "Jerry? My name's not Jerry."
     "Ah sure it is. Bye Jerry!" Tseng floored it, and the Ghetto Mobile continued into Midgar at the same speed it was going before, which wasn't terribly fast.
     Once we were a good ways into Midgar and cleanly out of the tollgate guys' view, I crawled forward and tapped Tseng on the shoulder.
     "Okay Tseng, that's far enough," I said. "Let us out here."
     "You sure?" Tseng asked. "I mean, I can get you a lot closer than this. This'll be a long walk, and Elena's wearing high heels."
     "First off, she's not," I said, pointing to Elena's boots. "Second of all, you guys aren't coming with us. We're in your debt for getting us this far, but I really can't trust you guys. I'm sure you understand, what with you guys being professional kidnappers and assassins."
     Tseng stopped the Ghetto Mobile and turned the engine off.
     "All right guys," Tseng said. "If you're going it alone, then we won't stop you."
     Cloud opened the back door of the van and the four of us walked out. While Cloud and Zack worked on shutting the back door and keeping it shut, I walked up to Tseng's window and put my arm on the window sill. Then for added emphasis, I pointed directly at the dot on Tseng's forehead.
     "Now, to ensure that none of you guys follow us, I want you to turn your van around and drive it out of Midgar. I don't need you-"
     "Sephitola," Tseng interrupted. "We can't follow you. This van won't start for another half hour. See?" He turned the key, but the van didn't make a sound. "And you'll know if any of us leave the van. Listen to this shit." Tseng and Elena opened both the front doors. The doors made horribly loud squeaking noises, and an even louder bang when they closed the doors.
     "Okay, fine," I said. "Well then, just stay here till your car starts back up. And thanks for the help up to this point."
     The Turks yelled a bunch of 'you're welcomes' at me, but I had already started walking away from the car with Cloud, Zack, and Tifa. After only a few steps, someone behind me whistled. I turned and looked at Tseng, who was currently sticking his arm out the window, pointing across the top of his van.
     "Shin-Ra HQ's this way!" Tseng yelled.
     Tifa stormed to the front of our group and started leading us to Shin-Ra HQ. "It's this way, dumbasses," Tifa said. "Follow me." Tifa only walked a couple steps before she tripped on a rock or something. She didn't fall all the way to the ground, but she did have to use her hands to steady her. Then, out of the blue, Tifa turned around and looked at me with a very angry look.
     "What?" I asked.
     Ha ha Sephy! I was bored, so I told Tifa that you saw her tiny white lacy thong when she tripped!
     "Tifa," I said calmly. "Did you think about your panties just now?"
     "That's none of your-"
     "Well hear me out," I interrupted. "See, Mother's not here right now, but she still knows what all of us are thinking. So if you were thinking of them, then she knows about them. I for one, did not see them."
     "Fine, talk your way out of this one," Tifa grumbled. "But once I can prove what you're thinking, I'm gonna beat the hell out of you."
     Hey Sephy. You should start thinking about what her bra looks like.
     No thanks Mother. I'm not going to- Great, Tifa's looking all pissed at me again. What'd you tell her Mother?
     "Why the hell would you think I'm wearing a bright red lace bra with extra support?" Tifa asked me.
     "Mother!" I said out loud.
     You're sure boring without me. Why aren't any of you men folks thinking of what her bra looks like?
     Because if we're going to picture her shirtless, we're most likely picturing her braless too. Oh shit. Don't tell her- You told her, didn't you?
     Mostly.
     Once again, Tifa looked back at me with fire in her eyes, only this time she calmed down and simply gave us all the finger. To be quite honest, I don't know why someone that looks and dresses like she does takes so much offense to a little bit of staring. She's basically asking for it. But really, I didn't care. I just wanted to get Mother and find someway to bribe her so that she won't keep telling Tifa what I think about her.
     "What about my legs!? Sephiroth!" Tifa yelled, turning around again.
     "I didn't think anything about your legs," I said, "but seriously Tifa. You wanna know what I think of you? You're really freakin' hot. All right? You don't need Mother to know that I think you're hot."
     Whatever I said, it seemed to be working. She was now looking at me with those big cute eyes as if to say 'Really? You think so?' And seizing the opportunity, Cloud and Zack joined in, and made things worse.
     "He's right," Cloud said. "I mean, you've got legs up to forever, and it only gets better from there."
     "Exactly," Zack said. "When I met you back at Nibelheim, you were kinda dweeby, but once the tits developed, you became like, amazing!"
     Here I'd thought I was doing something nice by relieving the entire male community by stating the obvious, but once again, Cloud and Zack have screwed things up. And now, the only thing missing was cartoon steam shooting out Tifa's ears and a backdrop of Hellfire. She was definitely planning to kick our asses. The good news is that we got to Shin-Ra HQ in no time since we were running like hell from the beating of a lifetime. The bad news is, she caught us eventually and gave us all our unique punishments. I got off with a kidney punch, and while I really couldn't focus well enough to see exactly what happened to the other two, I could still make out some sort of kick to Cloud's torso, and I might be wrong, but it looked like a jab to the throat for Zack. But still, we were here, outside Shin-Ra HQ... again.