Mike

     This will officially mark my one millionth time busting into Shin-Ra HQ. One would think they'd start putting up some break-in prevention, but it looked like everything was completely normal.
     Zack, Cloud, and I recovered from Tifa's assault and we all made our way to the side door. The infamous staircase greeted us with absolutely zero security, so the four of us headed on in. Cloud and Tifa stopped once we reached the stairs themselves.
     "What?" I asked, looking back at them.
     "Not going," Tifa said. "I've been up those stairs once before, and there's no way you're getting me to climb them again."
     "Ditto," Cloud said.
     OMG Sephy! 
     Omg Mother? Oh no. Don't tell me Hojo let you online.
     OMG Sephy he did LOL!
     So what brought around the ranting, Mother?"
     Oh. It was Cloud. He said 'ditto' like in that movie. Halloween.
     It was Ghost, Mother.
     You're dumb, Sephy. It's Ghost Dad, not Ghost Mother. It had Bill Cosby. Is Bill Cosby a mother? I think not.
     "Seph?" Zack said, poking me in the arm. "You're spacing out again dude."
     "Sorry," I said. "Just come with us guys. We're not going sixty floors up. That's dumb as hell. We'll go up three floors and go to the elevator. Their security only covers the bottom two floors and some of the top floors, so we'll be fine on three."
     "You know, he's right," Cloud said to Tifa. "Who's dumb idea was it to climb that high?"
     "Barret," Tifa said.
     "Are you sure it wasn't-"
     "IT WAS BARRET!" Tifa screamed. She calmed down and smoothed out her clothes for some reason. "Ahem. It was Barret. End of discussion."
     "Okay, third floor it is," Cloud said. "Let's climb these stairs and get it over with."
     The four of us started to ascend the stairs slowly. Nobody cared to try to race up them. We were all tired from being chased all the way here by Tifa. Still, three flights didn't take us all that long and soon enough we were at the door to the third floor. Cloud opened the door and snuck through. Tifa walked through, then Zack. I was about to follow when I was suddenly interrupted by an annoying noise.
     Sephy! I'm suddenly interrupting you with noises which are annoying! I have a collect call from one Barret "the Bear" Willfred.
     Wallace. And I'll uhh, accept the charges. What'd Barret want?
     Well see, he told me to tell you, "Yo Seph's Momma! I need you to tell Seph something from me. Tell him we been had."
     Was that it?
     No. I'm pausing for drama.
     I really don't think this is the time for drama.
     Oh fine. Well he also said, "Don' trus' Cloud and Zack. One or both of dem is workin' fo' Shin-Ra! You gotta tell him befo' he gets %#@^ed up da ass by dem!"
     How does Barret know they're dirty?
     Geez Sephy! Why don't you let me finish ever! Ahem. "We all been tossed in da slammer arready. Dey was expectin' us at da reactors!"
     Done?
     Yeah, that was it.
     Okay. Thanks, Mother. Oh, and next time, can you please not play up the Ebonics? Barret is slighly more comprehensible than that.
     I think spacing out for so long pretty much tipped everybody off that I was on to them. I looked through the door and saw Cloud and Zack eagerly waving me into the room. Tifa however was completely out of sight. Now I was positive that something wasn't right, so I took off running up stairs. I wasn't about to leave this place without Mother. Security or no, I had to get her back. As I took off upstairs, all doubt was gone seeing as how the entire Shin-Ra army filed in one-by-one through the 3F door. Of course, Cloud and Zack were leading the pack.
     ROFLMFAO Sephy!
     The hell does that mean, Mother?
     It's FUNNY! You're like, leading those guys on even though you can fly. It's cute! You're such a nice guy letting them think they can win.
     Umm, what have you done with my Mother, Mother? Why the hell are you suddenly being helpful?
     BYOB Sephy!
     R-right.
     I took Mother's "advice" and took off flying. This actually helped me out more than I could've imagined. Cloud told all the guards to go to the bottom, so now I had a clear shot to get Mother. I flew all the way up to floor 67. I assumed this was where they'd keep Mother. Possibly everybody else too, but I really didn't care about them. I stopped in front of the 67th floor door and decided that while the door was most likely unlocked, it would be more fun and dramatic to kick it open.
     Much like I'd assumed, the floor was deserted. I walked in and found the one guard that was left to keep a watch on the prisoners. I promptly beat the living shit out of him and continued on my way. I found Mother in the small lab where parts of her floated back in the day. Apparently the room wasn't filled with liquidy stuff now. Instead it had a wolf, a goldfish, and... Mother. I tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge. This was even after I hit it with my sword, kicked it, and even tried using stupid passwords like open sesame, and Lucrecia.
     "Can I help you?" a voice behind me asked. 
     I turned to look at the man and saw a man in a white labcoat. It wasn't Hojo though. This kid was probably in his twenties, brownish hair, glasses, and a very out of place nose ring. Not just a stud either. This was a full on "I'm a bull" nose ring. It creeped the hell out of me.
     "Who the hell are you?" I asked him. "Where's Hojo?"
     "Hojo's at lunch," the man said. "I'm his assistant. Name's Mike. How can I help you?"
     "Y-yeah. Mike. So mike, open this door, now!"
     "You sure?" Mike asked. "I mean, this exhibit is less interesting than our glass tube exhibit over there. We're trying to mate a supermodel with a jackal. Better entertainment over there." Mike nudged me in the ribs. "Nah nah, I'm just messing with you Sephiroth, go ahead."
     "You know me?" I asked him.
     "Dude, you flipped out way back when and tried to destroy the world. Not to mention I'm doing research on your mother. I think I had better know who you are." Mike pulled out a security card and swiped it in the card reader that I hadn't noticed until just then.
     "So why're you helping me?" I asked Mike.
     "Bah, why not? Hojo's a prick, and you need your Mother. Besides, in the whole time we've had her, we haven't learned a damn thing about anything. Oh, except she did tell me that there's a spot behind her ear that makes her go wild if you scratch it."
     "Really? Mother has ears?"
     Mike shrugged. Then suddenly Mike's ears perked up and we both could hear the sound of Hojo's personal elevator coming up to the lab. Mike held open Mother's door. "You'd better hurry."
     "Yeah, thanks," I said. I ran inside and picked up Tiffany's bowl. Edwardo and Mother both chased after me as we headed for the glass elevators.
     "Out of order!" Mike yelled after us.
     "What!?" I yelled back.
     "The elevators! If I remember right, you guys broke 'em a while back, and they're still broken! You'll have to take the stairs!"