The Unwritten Book of the Road

     The Turks should never be allowed to drive anywhere. We were driving for all of five minutes when all four of them pulled out separate giant roadmaps and started looking for directions. I was amazed that we never hit anything considering Tseng wasn't even holding the wheel. I guess the bumps in Midgar were navigating the Ghetto Mobile by themselves. Still, the Ghetto Mobile crashing at five miles per hour didn't really scare me. There was, however, something that did scare me right about now. We were passing through a slum I'd never been to before. Sector 3 slums I think. There was utter chaos-
     Ooh, poor cow.
     "Utter chaos, Mother," I said.
     The lights in the whole city were flashing on and off, power transformers were shooting sparks, and it seemed like everybody was running around wildly while carrying a stolen TV. Suddenly, it hit me.
     BONK!
     Since we were in the process of taking down the reactors, it was anarchy. I was starting to think it might have been better to just leave Midgar alone this whole time. Not that I give a damn about any of these guys, but causing anarchy looks bad on a résumé. It looked like the Turks were starting to figure out where to go, despite the fact that each of them was pointing a different direction, including Reno who was positive the correct way was up.
     Hey Sephy? Have you seen my ice pick?
     "No. Y-you have in ice pick?" I asked.
     Oh damn. I must've left it in the tire again.
     "You didn't leave-"
     "Flat!" Tseng announced. "Our tire blew out. Who wants to go out and fix it?"
     I looked out the window at the scummy looking people who seemed to notice our breakdown and were slowly migrating toward the van.
     "Okay, Turks," Tseng said. "It's Nascar time."
     Both the front doors of the Ghetto Mobile swung open and all four Turks jumped out. Rude quickly came around back and opened the rear doors. He grabbed a spare tire, a jack, and lug wrench and headed out to the flat tire.
     "Okay, Rude," Reno ordered, "jack up the Ghetto Mobile."
     "I think it's jacked up enough, dude," Rude retorted.
     The Turks all laughed as if it were scripted, and I really wouldn't be surprised if it was. The Turks all ran to work on the tire, all the while making noises like a Nascar pit crew. It was disgusting really. Here were some of the most ruthless killers on the planet and they were possibly the biggest jackasses I've ever seen.
     I headed out of the van and pulled Tiffany with me. "Come on, Mother. We'll walk from here."
     Sweet! I'll drive.
     "Sephdroid!" Tseng called after me. "What's up, man?"
     "I'm gonna walk from here," I responded. "You guys are jackasses."
     "JACK-ASS!" the Turks roared with laughter.
     "Good one, dude," Reno yelled to me. "But you really have to go so soon? As soon as we get the jack off-" No Turks could restrain themselves as they started rolling on the ground laughing.
     ROFL, Sephy!
     There was a mob of people still moving in around us. Either they planned to rob us or steal the Ghetto Mobile. Or both. Either way, they pissed me the hell off. I was glad they were so damn ugly. It made it really easy to draw my sword, cut three people in half (seriously) and clear a path for us. I didn't even feel sorry about it. It was for the greater good. The less ugly bastards there are, the more hot chicks there will be in the world.
     You're so thoughtful, Sephy. Always thinking of the future. Making it a better place for our children. And our children's children. And our children's children's Martian babies which they'll have when aliens invade the planet and rape all of humanity, thus giving birth to children with Earthian beauty and Martian intelligence and Venetian sense of humor.
     "How did the Venetians get into all of this?" I asked.
     Oh. Well Martians already raped the Venetians and crossbred their intelligence and sense of humor.
     "Sephy!" a female voice yelled in the distance.
     It was me.
     "No, it wasn't," I said.
     Just then I noticed a black car with flames on the sides speeding towards us. Sticking out the driver's seat waving and yelling was Aeris. Just as she neared us, she slammed on the brakes and spun the wheel. The car slid next to us with the passenger's side door only inches from my thigh. The car was odd. It was one of those cars that has a truck bed on the back. It was without a doubt, the El Corrio model.
     Aeris leaned over the empty seats next to her and looked at me through the open passenger's window. I wasn't sure, but I was pretty confident that she was trying to give me a full view down her dress.
     "I am," Aeris said. "Like what you see?"
     "Pardon?" I asked.
     Oh, sooooorry, Sephy. I told Aeris what you were thinking.
     "I don't get into trouble when you tell Aeris," I said. "She likes the attention."
     Aeris tugged the top of her dress open a bit more.
     "Possibly a little too much," I added.
     "Where ya headed?" Aeris asked.
     "Home," I responded.
     "I'm headed that way," Aeris said. "Need a lift?"
     I looked around at the shitty neighborhood and quickly agreed to a ride. I threw Edwardo, Tiffany, and Mother into the back, then I opened the passenger's door and slid into the far right seat. There were three seats: Aeris's, a middle one, and the one I was in. I closed the door and reached for the seatbelt, but the thing wouldn't buckle. I looked at Aeris who was currently patting the middle seat.
     "That buckle is broken," she said. "Scoot your fine ass over here next to me."
     I shrugged and slid into the middle seat. I'm not about to pass up female attention. It's just that getting attention from Aeris is like, nothing special. It's too easy I guess.
     Remember, Sephy! The Unwritten Book of the Road! You know what you've gotta do, cowboy.
     "Quiet, Mother," I said, elbowing the back window to shut her up. "Aeris doesn't even know what that is."
     Aeris coughed.
     "Well, okay, maybe she does. But she doesn't want-"
     Aeris coughed so loudly that I couldn't even complete my sentence.
     "No," I said firmly.
     "Hee, I was just teasing," Aeris said. She threw her arm around me and started driving us away from the mob and the Turks.
     "So Aeris," I said, shifting for her since her hand was obviously preoccupied as she ran her fingers through my hair. She's weird. "Why're you headed toward Nibelheim?"
     "I'm headed to the new theme park that opened up near the late Gold Saucer!" she said happily. "It's been called 'Super Lucky World.' I've been itching to go."
     Sounds kinda like that place I've always wanted to go! You know 'Happy Wood World!' I've been needing a new armoire for quite some time.
     "Mother, you can't go there," I said. "For the last time, that's not a furniture store. It's a gay bar."
     How can a bar be gay? Does it like other bars?
     "Sure."
     Oh. That makes me sick to my stomach. So when do we get to Super Lucky World?
     "We're not going-"
     But I waaaaanna go! Please please please please please please-
     "Listen to your Mother, Sephy," Aeris said. "Come with me to Super Lucky World. It'll be a blast! Just like the motto goes: 'Come to Super Lucky World today, and we'll guarantee you get super lucky tonight -wink wink!'"
     "What kind of theme park is this?" I asked.
     "I'm not too sure," Aeris said. "But I hear Dio made it. You know, the Gold Saucer dude."
     "I know him. In fact, I think I'm a co-owner of this park."
     "Sweet! So you know the gimmick behind the park!"
     "Gimmick?"
     "Yeah, you know. At 11 o' clock the park closes to all youngsters and the park becomes a wild and sexy park! The Ferris wheel goes a bit slower at the top, the carousel ponies buck a little bit harder, and all the rides vibrate just a little bit more. And you. Are. Going." As she spoke she reached over and pushed the automatic locks. The lock on my door jumped into hiding and Aeris smiled wickedly.