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"Are we planning on driving all the way to Super Lucky World?" I asked
Aeris.
"Sure, just push the submarine button," Aeris
said sarcastically. "No, we're going to drive to Junon and ride on a
ferry."
NO!
"A ferryboat, Mother, not a fairy," I
explained.
A whaaaa?
"It's a car ferry that ta-"
No no no no no. You said it was a ferryboat. Not a
ferrycar. Now you're just being silly.
"So Aeris, how's your life been lately? How'd
Operation Distraction or whatever go?"
I really didn't care what Aeris had to say, but
anything to change the attention from Mother. She was still in the bed of the
car trying to figure out the car ferryboat thing. She had Edwardo get really
close to the back window so that his breath would fog up the window, then she
started drawing charts and diagrams in the steam.
Boy now you done did it again! Is it fog or is it
steam!? You're non-committal.
"So that's when I broke off from the
group," Aeris said. Apparently she was telling me about Operation
Distraction, but I wasn't paying attention at first. "So I headed off to
the slums, and that's where I ran into Johnny. He was drivin' around in this
here completely tricked out car, so I persuaded him to give the car to me. Then
I planned to do something with the car, but I forgot what it was,
so I'm just headed out of town. It looks like almost all of the Mako Reactors
are down, so I guess it's mission accomplished. I just told everybody involved
to meet us at Super Lucky World as a celebration party thing."
"How'd you tell everyone that?" I asked.
"I just sent a mass e-mail to everyone on my
contacts list."
"Wonderful."
Sephy, let's play a driving game!
"But I hate all of your driving games," I
said.
"Oh come on, Sephy," Aeris said. "Don't
be such a square!" Aeris motioned a square with her fingers.
Okay, let's play EYE SPY!
"You mean 'I Spy?'" Aeris asked. Don't
ask me how she knew that Mother was using the wrong form of eye.
They're SPELLED different! Like, duh!
"So what's 'Eye Spy,' oh breaker of the fourth
wall?" I asked Mother.
Aeris broke it first!
"I don't care, get on with it."
Okay, so Eye Spy is a detective game featuring...
THIS!
Mother pulled out the flying eyeball toy she'd
gotten a few days ago at Monster-in-the-Box and started shooting it around the
bed of the car at Edwardo and Tiffany.
"Is there a point to this game?" I asked.
Of course! You and Aries-
"Aeris."
Right. You two have to figure out the murder mystery
I'm going to tell you. Ready?
"We're almost at Junon, aren't we?" I
asked Aeris. She shook her head. "Fine, start the murder mystery,
Mother."
There once was a pub called 'Mark's Pub.' It was
owned by a man named Jim. Three men entered the pub: Bob, Carl, and Sephiroth-
"Mother, that's not exactly a common
name," I said, slapping my own forehead.
Okay, fine. Three men: Bob, Sephiroth, and Stanley.
"Yeah, that's better," I said
sarcastically. Aeris hushed me and let Mother continue.
Bob was a mass rapist and convicted murderer, and
not the other way around! He's one tough s.o.b. He entered the bar at 3:00 pm.
An hour later, Sephiroth enters and orders the fruitiest drink possible.
Sephiroth is the bastard son of a mad scientist and a whore and is constantly criticized
for injecting-
"Okay, so Sephiroth is me," I said.
Psh, no! Why, do you relate to him? Do YOU take
steroids? Cuz that's what Sephiroth in the story takes! Ahem, I'll continue.
Sephiroth is often criticized for injecting steroids. And Stanley
was brought up Catholic. All three are drinking when suddenly the lights go out.
They freak out and finally Bob finds the light switch and turns the lights back
on. When the lights come on, Bob, Sephiroth, and Stanley are in separate corners
of the room and Jim is GONE! There's blood on the floor and signs of a struggle.
Bob accuses Sephiroth, Sephiroth accuses Stanley, and Stanley accuses Sephiroth.
So... Who MURDERED Jim!?
"I don't think that's possible to figure
out," Aeris stated.
"Yeah, but she has an answer," I explained to
Aeris. "She always does. I'm gonna bet that Sephiroth did it."
"My money is on Stanley," Aeris said. "I
never trusted him."
HA HA! You're BOTH wrong! Want the answer!?
"No," I said quickly.
"Yes, tell us!" Aeris demanded. "Who
did it!?"
Carl did!
"You took Carl out of the story!" I
yelled at Mother. Then suddenly I realized I didn't care about her story, so I
calmed down.
I SOOO DIDN'T! Carl was in the story! He just wasn't
in the pub! You wouldn't let him come in! It was midnight so Jim turned out the
lights and closed up, then Carl jumped him outside and stole his wallet!
"What's with the blood and the signs of a
struggle then?" Aeris asked.
Because ALL murder mysteries have a blood stained
floor with signs of a struggle! Like, duh!
"We're almost at Junon now, right?" I
asked Aeris.
"Almost. Until then, let's do another Eye
Spy!" Aeris said. Sometimes I really hate Aeris.
Okay, here goes. Now pay attention to this one.
There's a woman named Mary who was walking down a dark alley. A drug dealer
named Jose jumps out at her and says 'waas sappening!?' so she scores some blow
off of him-
"Wait, what!?" I asked.
Shh. Pay attention. Then she goes into a restaurant
and orders a pina colada and a steak. Her waiter, Mel, brings them too her, and
her steak is undercooked! Finally she heads back to her apartment. Her neighbor,
Sephiroth, goes to her house to watch home movies with her, then leaves.
"This Sephiroth guy seems pretty lame," I
said. "Is this the same Sephiroth as the last story?"
That's MURDER MYSTERY to you! And no. This Sephiroth
is a poof. So come on! Who did it!? Who killed Mary?
"I'll guess Sephiroth did it," Aeris
said. "The homo always does it!"
"Don't humor her," I said to Aeris. "I'm
going to guess Carl did it. I'm sure he's still in the running."
NOPE! You're both wrong again! Mary is still alive!
Ha! You guys suck at this!
"We're at Junon!" Aeris announced.
I praised the lord.
Aeris drove her car up to a toll gate and handed a pass
to the man working the gate.
"This is a napkin," the guard said. "You
need a pass to get on."
Aeris promptly opened the front of her dress and
flashed the guard. He continued to hold his hand out for a pass. Aeris buttoned
her dress back up and handed the man a hefty bribe.
"Go ahead," the guard said. The toll gate
went up and Aeris drove through.
Sorry, Aeris. But a toll's a toll, and a roll's a
roll. And if they don't get no tolls, then they don't get no rolls.
"Why can't I get things by flashing
people?" Aeris asked me as if she wanted an honest answer. "I mean,
I'll bet TIFA could just lift up her shirt and win the lottery! It's no fair!
I've even taken to going the full monty and STILL nothing! Maybe I should tr-"
"Stop talking, yes," I said. "Good idea.
Hey look, we're going inside the ferry."
Sephy, you're so gay. You don't want to hear about
naked Aeris because you're too preoccupied with getting inside the fairy!?
"Mother, please," I said. "You're
going to get me sued one day. I only avoid conversations like that because it's
awkward talking about things like that in front of certain someones who might
learn certain terms and start repeating them inappropriately."
Well, yeah, Edwardo is pretty boobsing
impressionable. He's always talking his bush off!
Aeris gasped at Mother's "vocabulary."
"Don't worry, you didn't teach her those," I
assured Aeris. "In fact, if you don't dignify any of it, she'll forget them
completely."
Man, the back of this fairy is all torn up! It sure
has seen some action, eh? I'll bet people ride this fairy all the time! I mean,
look how wide it is! You could probably fit two or three-
Aeris drove inside the ferry and parked the car
very quickly. So quickly in fact that Mother lost her concentration-
No I didn't, Sephy.
Mother lost her chain of thought and stayed quiet
as Aeris quickly parked the car and the ferry departed from Junon.
But I-
We all sat in silence as the boat headed for Costa
Del Sol #2, which was already under construction.
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