The Secret World

     I headed to what I assumed was one of the outside walls and used my giant retard sword to cut a hole in the wall. Turns out, there were more rooms on the outside. Funny thing is they had no doors anyway.
     You found a secret room!
     Apparently there were secret rooms that were virtually impossible to enter. Also, this secret room didn't have any special items or anything. Just a bunch of dead dragons. I don't think there was any air flowing into this room.
     Why is that important? And what is this "air" you speak of? I can't see any air! Do the dragons eat this "air?"
     I continued to slice my way through secret rooms. After each one I cut through, Mother told me how I found a secret room. Finally, I found a wall that led me outside.
     You found a secret world!
     I jumped down to the ground, then had to dive out of the way of some falling lava. I guess I didn't cut too carefully. But I wasn't about to complain. I was lying on the ground and directly in front of me was a very sexy pair of legs.
     "Sephiroth, I need your help," she said.
     I slowly started looking up her body. She wore an unbuttoned lab coat that revealed her slender, yet curvy body. I could've stared--
     "It's me Lucrecia your mother," she blurted out.
     "You really should've opened with that," I said as I finally looked up to her face. "It's been awhile."
     "Yes, I should have remembered that you're kind of a pervert. But that doesn't matter, I need you."
     She needs you, Oedipus!
     I got to my feet and we started walking toward Nibelheim, which was not terribly far away. If you're on the right continent, you can always find Nibelheim because of those stupid mountains. "So what's up?" I asked.
     "We need your help taking down...your mother. The world is highly threatened with her around."
     "Yeah, I heard the world ended not too long ago," I said. "It was my fault for not babysitting her. I heard millions died."
     "Okay, first of all, our world doesn't have millions of people," she explained. "Have you ever been to these cities? Midgar aside, each one has like, twenty to thirty people, max. And there are only like, ten cities. But that's besides the point. Point is, she's taking our air."
     "Come again?" I asked. "She doesn't even know what air is."
     "No, of course not. But you know that tower she built? Have you seen how much pollution it makes? It makes Midgar look like a Smart Car."
     Did Leukemia just call me a Dumb Car!?
     I wasn't sure exactly what Lucrecia meant by Smart Car, but what she said made me curious to look to the sky. It took me this long to actually see the skies. They were pitch black. I think I just assumed it was night time, but my glow-in-the-dark watch assured me that it was 2:32 pm.
     You're wearing the watch I gave you!!! OMG SEPHY! YOU DO CARE!
     "You have no idea how much Mako that tower requires," Lucrecia explained. "So many different types of energy. One hour of use could power Midgar for a month. We need to get her to shut down her tower, but we can't get a response with all our mail, phone calls, e-mails, and home visits."
     "I get the phone and e-mail thing," I said. "Mother hates those. But she loves getting mail. How come she hasn't replied?"
     "That's what we wondered. So we had people go to the door to ask her, but--"
     "She hates home visits. I think that's the reason for the hundreds of floors of doom, actually. I don't think she knows that she's threatening the entire world. She probably just believes you're all trying to push your religions on her."
     "Well, to be fair, some of those climbing the tower are trying that. In fact, I think the Mormons made the most progress because they brought bicycles. But that's besides the point. The point is, we need you to talk her into shutting down her tower."
     "It's really nice in there though," I explained.
     And quite the thorough explanation as well, Sephy.
     "It's destroying the planet though," Lucrecia said.
     "I know, I know, but we've all tried to do that once or twice before, right?"
     Yeah, she didn't reply to that. It was just a long, awkward silence.
     "So what do I get if she doesn't destroy the planet?" I asked.
     "A healthy planet?" she said.
     Yeah, I didn't reply to that. It was just a long, awkward silence.
     "Okay, how about I get Shinra Mansion back?" I finally said.
     "You'll have to talk to President Shinra about that," she said. "And he's actually at the 7th Heaven in Nibelheim right now, waiting for you. I'll bet you can make a deal with him. He's looking to be the 'big hero' here by hiring somebody to stop the end of the world."
     "Fine. Let's go to Nibelheim then."
     We continued on to Nibelheim when, suddenly, we were attacked by a couple of Nibel Wolves. And here I am without a sword.
     "Here, take this!" Lucrecia said, tossing me a replica of my sword. I caught it and then glared at her. "Sorry, it's all I have! It's made from a cardboard and plastic alloy!"
     "Gee, sounds powerful," I said, taking the wussy sword and hitting the closest wolf. It did 200 damage because I'm still hella strong, despite a toy sword. Lucrecia just cowered behind me the whole time as a couple wolves gnawed on my body until I finally beat them to death with that toy. It was kinda sad. Those wolves seemed to be in so much pain. But that's what happens when your weapon isn't deadly.
     I don't suppose one of those puppies was Edwardo. I don't know where that dude went, yo.
     We finally reached Nibelheim, where I made my way over to my favorite bar: the 7th Heaven. Once again, I was at that sexy bar wearing pajamas, just like the good ol' days. Good times. I found President Shinra in the corner, surrounded by busty women with money wedged between their breasts. He always was good at attracting crowds. I wish I had lots of money. That jerk.
     Hey, Sephy! Make you a deal. You bring me that booby-money, and I'll let you cop a feel while you get it! Eh? Eh? Come onnnnn.
     I sat down beside Preisdent Shinra and asked the girls to leave us.
     Homo.
     It was so demeaning to watch them be objectified by that fat man. Of course, later he gave me money for the jukebox and it found its way into one of their tops, but leave me alone. At least I'm not fat when I objectify women. I returned to that fat president and we discussed the terms of Mother's surrender.
     Never give up, never surrender!