Skullbeams

     President Shinra is not a very fun man to talk to. It's why most of our meetings involve me stabbing him in the back, literally. He blabbed on at me for a long time about how "Shin-Ra is the true evil of the world" and how "Mako is destroying the planet" and how my mother is "too stupid to function." Apparently we were playing two truths and a lie, because only two of those are true.
     Witch one is a lye?
     True evil my ass. Didn't matter. I wasn't listening to him very much anyway. I watched the 7th Heaven girls hula hoop for a while. At one point, two girls got into the same hoop and gyrated together. I missed this place so much. But then President Shinra made me a crazy offer.
     "I'll give you back Shin-Ra Mansion on two conditions!" he said. He waited for me to ask him "what conditions?" but I refused to play into that crap, so I just waited and put money down 7th Heaven waitresses' tops. "The first condition," he finally said, "is that you will have to pay us rent. A good Shinra never gives anything without charging for it! The second condition is that you get us that tower that Jenova built."
     "Get? How about 'give?' It's ours," I reminded him.
     "Not anymore it isn't," he said. What a dumb sack of crap.
     "Meaning?"
     "It seems that once you left, Professor Hojo, former Shin-Ra employee, took over the tower."
     "How did he climb Mother's tower?" I asked.
     "The elevator. Somebody left it open, so he took it to the top. I think it was Jenova. She came down to see you, so he went up there."
     "Why would she need to go down? Where would she go?"
     "7th Heaven, I suppose," President Stupid said. I thought he was stupid until I noticed that Mother had left her tower and followed me in here.
     What up, fool?
     "Mother? Did you leave the elevator open so that Hojo could come in and use it to take over the world?"
     Maaaaybe! Oh, but in case you're worried, your bros are here as well. Safe and sound!
     "Thank goodness." Realizing I was homeless and desperate for a mansion, I agreed to President Shinra's terms. "Fine. I'll get the tower from you."
     That fat sack of stupid said a bunch of other crap, but he used terms like "Sephy my boy," so I tuned him out and left to do my damn job. Taking back Mother's tower would be a difficult feat, but I figured I could do it easily enough. I'm friggin Sephiroth.
     As I walked outside, Lucrecia joined me and Mother in walking back to the tower. I filled her in on the details. She didn't seem too pleased.
     "I was kind of hoping we'd destroy that tower," she said, "not give it over to the Shin-Ra Coorporation."
     "I can live with total darkness caused by toxic fumes destroying the planet," I replied.
     Dumb, Dumber, and Loz joined us as well. They all seemed really "pumped up" about joining me in the fight to take back Mother's tower.
     "I'm so pumped!" Kadaj said. "We get to take back Mother's tower with Big Brother!"
     "I'm pumped, too!" Yazoo added.
     "I like chocolate!" Loz probably said. I wasn't listening to him.
     Can we stop for chocolate?
     Luckily, Kadaj had brought some of my equipment with him, so I not only had my sword, but also my clothing. It was nice to finally be out of my bathrobe, no matter how comfortable that thing was. We executed enemy after enemy on our way to the tower. I was surprised at how tough the trio actually was. They fight well; almost like little versions of me.
     Now Sephy, that's just silly!
     Once back at the tower, I realized things would not be as easy as I initially thought. Hojo, unlike Mother, knew how to use Mother's security features, which included several large death beams. Several of them shot at us, hitting Loz, Kadaj, and Yazoo. I hoped they died, but figured those jerks wouldn't die no matter how much I tried.
     "They're dying!" Lucrecia said. "I can help them, but for a fee!"
     "You're my moth-- err, my other mother, and you're charging me?" I said.
     I would, and I'm your REAL mother!
     "Nothing big, I just want a room in your mansion. I want us to live together so I can be close to you again."
     "No. Let them die," I said. I didn't mind the idea of her living with us, but I really liked the idea of all three of them dying.
     Sephy, noooo! They must live! Give them life, Sephy! Even IF I must live with that imposter!
     I finally approved of their revival and headed to the tower's entrance, but death beams continued to rain down on us. I hate those things. I can't even describe them very well. They were like laser beams, only instead of flashy lights, they were skulls.
     I called it Skullbeams when I installed it. It was intended for my breakfast cereals. I like to top my cereal with some good, crumbled skulls. Mmm, start your day off right, with bone marrow!
     "Do skulls have marrow?" I asked. Luckily nobody heard me, because I didn't care.
     I soon became distracted by a blur of red, rushing at the tower. It was Vincent, and he was playing with his new, three-barrelled gun: the Cerberus. He shot at the tower and seemed to be in one hell of a rage to get at Hojo, but it didn't take long before he took a skullbeam to the nuts.
     "Vincent!" Lucrecia shouted. She rushed to his aid and started healing him. I cast an ice spell into a bag and gave it to Vincent for his nards.
     "Why is he still shooting at you?" Vincent asked me through his pain. "I thought he wanted to be with you or something."
     "I don't think he can tell that it's us. Mother's tower is tall enough that clouds block vision sometimes."
     "We need to get his attention," Vincent said. "Lucrecia, you must do it."
     "Me? Why me?" she asked.
     "He liked you. Or at least did unmentionable things with you. There must be some way you can get through to him."
     "I....can't."
     "You must. For the sake of the world!" Vincent said...maybe. I don't think he said that exactly, but that was the general idea....maybe. Hell, I really wasn't listening. All I know is that he and Lucrecia talked for a while, then she cried a single tear and Vincent passed out. Then, out of nowhere, Lucrecia took off all of her clothes.
     It wasn't out of nowhere. If you were LISTENING. Gosh, Sephy. Such a man. Never listening.
     "You know, everybody here is either your son, passed out, or retarded, right?" I asked her while overting my eyes.
     Psh, yeah right. You were checkin' out dat ass.
     Mother might've been right. I did look at her ass, but only because I wanted to make sure that I got my great ass from her and to make sure it wouldn't fade as I aged. Hojo's ass is probably flabby and bioengineered, so I wanted to ensure my ass would remain firm and awesome.
     While I checked out my own mother's ass, the skullbeams stopped firing and a small, flying robot flew down to us. It created a holographic projection of Hojo in front of us. His voice came through a speaker on the robot.
     "I knew it!" Hojo's projection said. "I'd know that ass anywhere! What're you all doing here?"
     Sephy wanted to know if he got your ass or Leukemia's ass.
     "Oh, the Hojo-family ass is a y-chromosome trait, so it's my ass you've got, son."
     "Dammit!" I said. "Wait, that wasn't why we came. We're here to make you give up the tower."
     "Sorry, son. This is science and it is my tower. With it, I can destroy the world!"
     "But I want Shin-Ra Mansion!" I shouted. "So get your ugly...face, and hopefully still-firm ass, out here!"
     "I'll never yield!" he shouted. "Oh, and the ass is like tofu that's been beaten with a meat tenderizer. Nothing firm about it anymore."
     "Dammit!" I said.
     "However," Hojo said, taking a brief, one-minute to laugh. I think he laughed longer, but I got tired of it and broke his stupid hologram-making robot. He had to send another one, but now was able to finish his stupid thought. "However, I would give up everything to be with you, son! Let me live in the mansion with you and I will give up everything!"
     "What the hell!? Why does everybody want to live in my damn mansion!? I liked it being gigantic and quiet! You'll all make it gigantic and annoying!"
     "Will not!" Hojo argued. "But, if you refuse, then I suppose I'll just take over the world."
     "No, wait!" I said, realizing that Hojo could destroy the world, even though I couldn't. That's a terrible thing to realize. "Okay, fine. But you get one room and that's all! I don't want to ever see you out of that room unless for bathroom or food."
     "Oh, son, that won't be necessary. I have biologically engineered my body to consume my excrement and never require food nor--"
     "That's enough," I said, not wanting to hear more. "Fine, good enough. Give up the tower and you can live in my increasingly-terrible mansion.
     "Yay!" he said, doing a victory dance.
     That's YOUR victory dance, Sephy!
     "I don't have a victory dance, Mother," I lied. He was totally doing my victory dance. I wish she didn't know about my victory dance. I don't do it often. Just whenever I am getting ready to go to the 7th Heaven.
     Hojo eventually emerged from the tower and decided to walk into his own holographic projection because I guess he thought it was neat to perfectly mirror....himself. I called President Shinra and told him to collect his stupid tower.

     President Shinra arrived by helicopter, despite the fact that he wasn't very far away. The helicopter dropped him off outside the tower and he handed me the deed to Shin-Ra Mansion.
     "A deal is a deal," he said. "Now excuse me, I heard there was a room of beautiful men and women bathing each other?"
     "Something like that," I said. I watched him go inside and the skullbeams immediately reactivated. We all backed away quickly and hid behind some rather large rocks, which Mother assured us could block skullbeams.
     I didn't assure it in writing though. Remember that.
     "You gave him the tower?" Vincent said. "He's going to take the world hostage and enslave us all, which is only slightly better than what Hojo would've done to us."
     "You were all going to have tails for noses," Hojo said.
     Hey Sephy? What's this?
     Mother handed me a remote that was labeled "Self Destruct."
     "Is this from the tower?" I asked. She nodded. "Awesome. I get to kill President Shinra again!" I immediately pressed the button, but nothing happened. "Figures," I said.
     We started to walk together back to Nibelheim when, suddenly, Edwardo rushed out of the tower with Tiffany in his mouth. As he did so, the entire tower suddenly began to glow green.
     "What's that?" I asked, taking Tiffany from Edwardo's mouth before he could completely chew her in half. I took the fishbowl Mother was wearing on her head, filled it with water, and dropped Tiffany into it. She swam around happily as if she weren't nearly eaten by a wolf.
     "The lifestream!" Lucrecia said. "It's beautiful!"
     "Oh not that crap again," I said. The tower continued to glow until, finally, the lifestream burst from every window and crushed the crap out of that tower. President Shinra flew from the tower and his fatass landed right in front of me with his ass sticking up in the air.
     "Is he okay?" Vincent asked.
     "Only one way to know," I said. I pulled out my sword and jammed it into his back. He screamed in pain, then died. "He's definitely dead."
     "I don't think that was the only way," Vincent said. What an idiot.
     I decided to hang up my sword for good and leave it there. It was only a replica anyway. I left the real one in Shin-Ra Mansion, which is where we were now going. I tossed Tiffany's bowl to Loz, who failed to catch it, but picked it up really fast and declared the five-second rule to be valid in regard to dropped fishbowls, despite the large crack in the side. We walked back to Shin-Ra Mansion to settle in again. It's good to be home.
     Oh no! Sephy! JIMBO was in that tower! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!