Jenova Christmas

     I couldn't believe it. It was Christmas already. Mother loves Christmas, but she doesn't understand the holiday at all. Still, she gets really into the holiday spirit.
     Sephy! I need help putting up the Massive Christ stuff!
     "It's Christmas, Mother," I said. "And why do I have to help you every year? What about Tiffany?"
     Tiffany is too damn short. Besides, last year my other fish died trying to plug in the lights.
     She had a point. Her last fish made a great Christmas dinner at her request though. I went outside to help Mother decorate and it's a good thing I did. Mother was taking Massive Christ a bit too seriously. She had hand crafted roughly forty life-size crucifixes and was setting them up in the yard. I started taking them down before anybody saw our yard full of sacrilege.
     Hey Sephy! You're doing it wrong! You're supposed to put more up, not take them down!
     "It's horribly sacrilegious, Mother."
     Oh come on. I was going to put lights on them!
     "Hey! If you're not going to use those, can we?" Marlene yelled, approaching the house. Barret and Dyne followed her into our yard and pried her off of one of the crucifixes.
     Sorry, but we're using all of them.
     "No we're not Mother," I said.
     "Then we can take them off yo' hands!" Marlene said trying to break Barret's grip on her.
     "Yo, sorry about dis Seph," Barret said, still struggling with Marlene. "It's jus' dat Marlene was visited by carolers, and now she wants to do it too. Sadly, she's startin' wit' yo' neighborhood."
     Sephy? What means this caroling?
     "Oh thank you very friggin' much Barret!" I said angrily. "Now Mother is going to want to go caroling. She sings songs that probably rival Marlene's. Mother doesn't know what Christmas is, nor does she know any Christmas songs."
     "We actually don't know if Marlene is singing songs either," Barret said. "We let her go to people's doors, but we usually jus' stay in the car wit' da motor runnin' so Marlene can run back to the car after destroyin' a family's spirits."
     "Oh, well then let's go then," I said.
     Yay!
     I had Barret and Dyne wait in my front yard and put up decorations. In exchange, I took Marlene and Mother caroling. Our first stop was to Tifa's house down the street. I was unsure what these two might sing, and I knew that Tifa wouldn't mind if they sang something horribly disgraceful. Marlene knocked on the door.
     You get the first house so I can see how it's done.
     "Okay," Marlene said.
     The door opened, but instead of Tifa answering, it was her parents, home for the holidays.
     Marlene started, but instead of a Christmas carol, she decided to sing a Christmas song. I didn't care.
     "I'm.... dreaming.... of a black.... Christmas...
     Just like that time with that skanky ho..."
     Oh oh! I get it now! We sing Massive Christ things to people! Can I try now?
     "Well, I was just getting to the best part," Marlene said, "but okay. Go for it."
     Siiiiiiiiilent Knight,
     Ninnnnnnja Knight,
     All was calm,
     All wasn't bright,
     Then, the ninja knight came in the night,
     Slaughtering everyone while they slept tight,
     Run, young peasant men run, far,
     Run or you'll eat, ninja-death-star.
     "Wow," Marlene said. "Nice lyrics J-Dawg. And hey look! They slammed the door in our faces! That's the best reaction I've ever gotten!"
     The door opened again, but this time Tifa was at the door.
     "Hi Seph," she said. "I heard your Mother caroling. Do the holidays really suck for you?"
     "Yeah," I said. "But I live with it. It's only once a month."
     "It's once a year Seph."
     "Not for Mother."
     "Oh. That blows. Sounds like someone needs a visit from Panty Claus!"
     Mother, Marlene, and I stared at Tifa.
     "What?" she said. "I'm not Panty Claus! Why're you looking at me like that? Aeris is Panty Claus. She uses Christmas as an excuse to parade around wearing panties, a bra, a Santa hat, an unbuttoned Santa jacket, and boots. It's the one day of the year that she's actually more popular at a party than I am."
     "So what do I do to meet this Panty Claus?" I asked.
     "Come to my Christmas party," Tifa said, handing me a flyer. "It's in about an hour."
     "Who's going to be there?"
     "Who's not?"
     Sephy. I'm bored. I'm going home. See you at the Christ Party!
     "I'm never going to let you be alone on Christmas, Mother," I said. "Sorry Tifa, I gotta go. I'll see you at the party I guess."
     Tifa waved and Mother, Marlene, and I were off. We were almost back to my house when Mother ran on ahead to watch Barret and Dyne put up lights on our ridiculously tall mansion. I also noticed Vincent on the roof lending them a hand.
     No no no no no!
     "What's wrong Mother?"
     It's him. He's calling me out.
     Mother has been fighting with one of our neighbors every year since I can remember over who could decorate the house better for Christmas. She sabotages his stuff and cusses a lot about him. Of course, he doesn't know about this. He doesn't even think of it as a competition. Last year he even came over to give Mother a decorating tip. That was a bad day. I had to grab Mother, run inside, and lock her in her room to keep her from killing him. Literally killing him. She had made a Christmas light noose for him even. It was tied extremely tight and took me about four hours to straighten out.
     What do you think Marlene?
     "Mother?" I said, looking around to see where she had raced off to. A glowing object in the neighbor's yard caught my attention.
     "Yo Dyne!" Barret yelled. "Turn on the %#^@ing hose! Quick!"
     Mother and Marlene were at it again in an obvious joint effort. Mother had sacrificed one of her precious crucifixes for the purpose of burning it on the neighbor's lawn. I quickly ran over to the neighbor's yard to help Barret and Dyne put out the flames. Once the flames were extinguished I got Mother and dragged her back into our yard. Dyne took the burned cross to a dumpster at the outskirts of the town. Barret found Marlene standing up on the neighbor's fence cheering. He ran over to her and grabbed her by the head like a basketball player palming a basketball and carried her to their car.
     "Sorry Seph," Barret said. "I think we need to get goin' back to Coral."
     I waved as he drove off quickly. So quickly that he almost forgot to pick up Dyne at the edge of town, but he circled back for him. I found a rope in the yard that was the perfect length so that I could tie Mother to a tree in our front yard and she was confined to only decorating our house. Once I had finally tied Mother up, I noticed our neighbor coming out of his house and walking toward us. I told Mother to keep decorating while I talked to him. I met him at our front gate.
     "Wow, thank you so much," he said.
     "Yeah, look," I said. "Wait, huh? Thank me?"
     "Yeah, thank you and your Mother and that big brown haired fella. I was on the phone so I couldn't go out and put that thing out."
     "So you didn't see how that all started?" I asked.
     "Well, no, but I saw that big black feller running off afterwards, so I assume it was him. By the way, did you get his license plate? We need to report him for abducting that white little girl."
     "I'm a bad judge of these things," I said, "but are you accusing that man just because he's black?"
     "Well you betcha," he said. "Not only that, but he was big. I hate big scary nig-"
     I forced him to stop talking by slugging him in the mouth. His lips were instantly swollen shut. Yes, I'm that powerful, and that pissed off. I gave him the finger and walked back into my yard to help Mother decorate.
     I'm so proud of you boy.
     "Come on Mother," I said. "Let's decorate and -ahem- whoop the tar out of that racist bastard."
     Sephy, I've never been more proud of you boy. I think I'm gonna cry.
     We went all out decorating. Vincent continued to decorate the roof with Christmas lights and this model of Santa and his reindeer on the roof while Mother and I worked the ground. I used all sorts of materia to make a snow storm that was limited to our yard. Mother collected the snow and made snow men and ice sculptures. You wouldn't believe the talent Mother has with those things. She made a couple of swans because she thinks we eat swan on Christmas, then she made a ten foot tall Santa with a bag of presents. She even used some sort of food coloring to make his outfit red. We also made a Christmas tree out of lights. While Mother perfected the tree, Vincent and I took turns shooting fireballs and other moderately destructive magic spells at the neighbor's decorations and eventually his house when we ran out of targets.
     "Oh shit!" I said, looking at my watch. "Tifa's party's already started! Mother! You ready to go?"
     Yessiree! Lemme get my hat!
     Mother put on her Santa hat. I threw on my red sweater with a picture of Santa's face on it and we were off. I invited Vincent and Lucrecia-
     You mean Other Mother.
     "Right," I said. "Other Mother." They didn't want to go though. They weren't in the Christmas spirit like Mother and I were.
     One last thing before we go.
     Mother ran up to our neighbor's front door and threw flaming dog shit at his door. Not the type in a bag. This was straight up flaming shit thrown like a projectile at his house. I made Mother wash her hands before we left.
     I don't have hands you know.
     "I know."
     We walked to Tifa's house, but we didn't even need to knock or anything. The party was indoors, outdoors, and on her roof. It was an blast over there. I can't believe I actually forgot about it. I can easily see Tifa's house from my house-
     Well, at least we can see the window in Tifa's room.
     "You implying something, Mother?" I asked.
     Yes.
     "Okay. Good job Mother."
     The party was crazy. The guest list was very odd as well. On the list of people to come were members of Avalanche, Shin-Ra, and myself.
     What about me?
     "You're like my baggage," I said. "You come with me."
     Aww. I knew I loved you for a reason.
     I didn't get to talk to Panty Claus. When I got there Aeris was passed out on the couch. Cloud and Tifa were in the act of shaving off one of her eyebrows. Scarlet was across the room wearing her mistletoe necklace and telling people they had to kiss below the mistletoe. Everybody ignored her. The Turks and Heidegger were in the corner drinking eggnog from those funnel things. Reeve was having a conversation with Cait Sith, which I found entirely pathetic, so I decided to go talk to him.
     "How goes?" I asked him.
     "Oh. Seph. What're you up to?" Reeve turned Cait Sith off to talk to me.
     "Not much. Mother and I just waged war on our neighbor."
     "Good for you I guess. Hey, you seen Barret? I need to talk to him."
     "He's not going to come. He had Marlene issues. I can understand his situat-"
     "SON!" The easily identified voice yelling from across the room belonged to Hojo of Shin-Ra. He approached me, still hunched over like always, staring at my shoes. "Son! I knew you'd be here. I came just because I knew you'd come. Oh son. How long has it been?"
     "I'm not your son," I said, but he wouldn't listen to my denial. "In fact, can you not talk to me?"
     "Oh son. You always were the funny one."
     "It doesn't take much to out funny you. You're as dull as a Chinese kid's pencil after a math test."
     Ooh. I like that one. Can I use it Sephy?
     "Feel free Mother. Under one condition. Get rid of Hojo for me."
     Done and done. RED XXX!
     "Nnn, my name is Red XIII," Red said, pacing behind Hojo. "Nnn, you can also call me Nanaki."
     Okay Nanometer. I just wanted you to know that Homo's neck has been covered in juicy steak juices.
     Red didn't even think twice about it. He pounced Hojo and started tearing at Hojo's neck.
     "Son- aak," Hojo screamed. "I know you did this out -ahh- of love."
     The party was a blast. I talked to lots of people that I didn't want to. Mother got drunk on eggnog. Well, she claimed to anyways. She didn't drink any, but she saw lots of it and she started talking incomprehensibly, so it was close enough.
     We left the party at about ten or so because Mother demanded it. She badly wanted to open her presents. When we got home she had already torn into her presents and tossed the present she got for me onto the couch. I opened my present faster than Mother did. I think it's because I have thumbs, but I could be wrong. Anyways, Mother's present to me was an AOL CD and my microwave that has been missing for the past few days. Mother was very happy about her presents. I got her a Sonic the Hedgehog pillow case, some book written by Al Gore, and a dead squirrel. She loved the presents so much, that she passed out on the couch. I headed upstairs and went to bed. Only another year before I have to do this crap over again.