Institutionalized

     I just realized something. I'm thirty-two years old, I'm single, and I still live with my mother. How awesome am I? My house is awesome, and I killed President Shinra twice and his brat son is afraid of me, so it's mine for good. Too bad I'm stuck sharing it with all these...people.
     After I destroyed Mother's Evil Tower--
     MET for short. No wait! I go by Jenova just to make it JET!
     When the MET-JET fell, I walked back to Nibelheim and celebrated at the Seventh Heaven. I assume it was awesome because I don't remember anything and I woke up covered in women's panties.
     I'm not even gonna touch that one....homo.
     The next morning, my...relatives...ugh.
     That's not a sentence!
     The next morning, my relatives and I decide who would get what room. And by we, I mean me. I decided everything. I told everybody that my room would be the one with a secret passage that nobody knows about. Except for Mother, but she knows everything I know, so that's assumed. When I took that room with the awesome view of Tifa's bedroom even though she keeps her damn curtains closed all the time, the trio decided to take the other three upstairs rooms. Kadaj is in the room with the giant safe that everybody is afraid to open (except me, but I don't care to open it) and Loz and Yazoo are sharing the room across from that. Mother originally took the conservatory by their rooms, but when she learned how highly flammable those plants were, she decided to move into the room next to mine, which I've setup to be completely fireproof. It took a long time, but I'm glad I did it. I even make sure her room contained flammable objects so that she could still set fires, but the room wouldn't burn down. And I disabled the hell out of her fire alarm.
     Vincent and Lucrecia--umm, Other Mother, are currently living in the large room on the first floor. I would've taken it, but I'd rather keep them away from Mother and the trio, for their sakes. She's my (other) mother, so I gotta look out for her. The best news about all of this is that ever since my blackout, I haven't seen Hojo at all. I think he went back to Midgar so that he could have an awesome science lab again. For some reason, Shin-Ra never stops funding that jackhole.
     Sephy, hurry! I'm almost done!
     Mother has been playing her game, Final Fantasy 7, almost nonstop. _Rick (Cloud, pronounced "Space Rick") was motivating his team in the Northern Crater. Brings back good memories...also terrible ones. Mother was currently deciding who would be in the party to destroy she and I.
     "Take me!" Loz shouted.
     "No, me!" Yazoo and Kadaj shouted. The trio started fighting over this for a while. None of them knew they weren't characters in the game.
     "Take Tifa and Yuffie," I said.
     Who the hell are you talkin' about, Sephy?
     "Show me the list of names." I read through her names. "Take FunBags and Yappy."
     No. I hate those two.
     "Fine, I don't really care. Take Headbutt and Tedward," I said.
     Headbutt is cool, so maybe. But it's NOT pronounced TEDward! It's pronounced T Edward, for Team Edward! Because he's a vampire.
     "Fine, take Vincent."
     Hell no! I'm T Jacob!
     "Take Cid and get on with it! We're all waiting!"
     That's not his name!
     "I can't pronounce that!" I shouted. "Capital-Oh Underscore Capital-Oh."
     I would've accepted Googley Eyes or WHOA!
     "I won't say either one. Take FatCatHat."
     Done.
     Finally, Mother was proceeding with the game. Apparently Barret and Cait Sith were her party of choice anyway, since they were the only ones that she leveled at all. I hate when she asks me questions that she wants a specific answer to. Whatever. She was finally progressing the plot. _Rick was telling everybody to mosey, then they jumped in to this strange green area. I don't recall that place existing, but whatever. This is Cloud's retelling of the story, and he's stupid as hell. So there they were, face-to-face with...Mother. Some ball-shaped version of Mother with tentacles.
     I want those!
     Mother continued to stare at the screen and watch what she referred to as her "Ideal Form" beat her team senseless with its tentacles and strange ball-body. Before not too long, in-game Jenova had wiped out the party.
     What a good story. Who wants ice cream?
     "I don't think that's how it ends," I said. "Can't you reload your game and try again?"
     There's no reset button on life, Sephy!
     Turns out, Mother never saved her game. Ever. And so, _Rick died against Jenova. I'm okay with that. I hate _Rick.

     I decided to go check on what else was happening in the house, and by that I mean I wanted a damn peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. I walked into the kitchen and started making my sandwich. I could only see his back, well, cape, but I saw Vincent standing by the table making grunting noises. He's weird. Or so I thought until my sandwich was peanut-buttered, but not jellied. Turns out Vincent has sex with my mom while wearing his cape. On my kitchen table. . . . I swear I inherited her butt, not Hojo's.
     I finished making my sandwich and then went to a different room to eat it. Preferably one that Vincent hadn't screwed my mom in, but from a small blueprint I'd been taking notes on, I was pretty sure that "kitchen" was the last room on their list, so it wasn't surprising. I took my sandwich upstairs and saw the trio and Mother playing a game. It involved cards, but I don't think it's any game I've ever played before. It involved collecting cards, gaining points by adding card values and multiplying them by how many cards they share a suit with, then being the oldest wins. So whoever's oldest always wins. It was a typical game for Mother to play. She likes games where she always wins for being 2000-years old.
     "I'm wunning, Bug Bruffer!" Kadaj said with three batteries in his mouth. I thought he was lying until I saw Loz with five batteries in his mouth and Yazoo with no batteries in his mouth, but a pile of about ten next to his face that were covered in saliva and battery acid while Yazoo twitched a lot, occasionally breaking into a full-fledged seizure.
     "Doing good, Mother," I said.
     I love this game. Battery, Sephy?
     "No thanks. I'm cutting back."
     Good idea. Watch your figure. You are getting a bit chubby.
     And with everybody in the house occupied, I decided it was time to slip away to the Seph Cave. I headed into my room and closed the door. I walked to the curved, stone wall in my room and pushed the poster of myself to open the secret passage. What? You try to take over the world and declare yourself a God without a little narcissism. I headed down the long, winding staircase and into the basement. I still don't know why it's so purple down there, but whatever. I walked past the room where we keep coffins and dead bodies and headed into my library.
     "Good morning, Son!" Hojo shouted surprisingly. I almost dropped my PB&J sandwich. Almost.
     "Dammit, you're here," I said. "And in my library."
     "My laboratory!" he said before breaking into maniacal laughter. "Do you like it?"
     "No. Get out."
     "Ah, but Son! I cannot! You told me to find a room and never leave it! I have chosen this one! I chose it on that day that you got plastered at the Seventh Heaven and brought home those women!"
     "I knew I brought home women!"
     "I can prove it! I filmed every part of it!"
     "Get out!" I shouted.
     "I'm sorry, my research needs me!" he said. Again, maniacal laughter followed.
     "What research? You have Red XIII in a tube with Aeris."
     "I am finally going to finish the experiment I started over two years ago!"
     "What experiment?"
     "I will successfully breed more Cetra with these two!" he declared.
     "Aeris is a Cetra, right. Why the dog thing?"
     Laughter.
     "Why the dog thing?" I asked again.
     More laughter.
     "I think she'd breed better with say...me," I said.
     "Nonsense, Son," he finally said. "I have watched videos on the internet that prove this is possible!"
     "....This isn't really about breeding, is it?"
     "What percentage of intercourse is about reproduction, Sephiroth? The odds of my experiment being aimed toward creating a new life instead of mere gratification are low."
     "I'm freeing them," I said quickly, pushing Hojo out of the way and searching for a button that would release them.
     "It's okay, Sephiroth," Aeris said in a hushed voice. "Red XIII and I have a plan."
     "So you don't want to be freed?"
     "Not just yet." She winked at Red XIII.
     Red XIII raced to the side of the tube where I was closest and started clawing at the walls. "Let me out! I know her plan and I will not take part in it! Humans are disgusting and I will not have interc--"
     "Down, boy!" Hojo said, squirting Red XIII with a spray bottle. He was outside the tube, so it only sprayed the tube where Red XIII was, but he still winced and backed away, rubbing at his face with his paw.
     "Gross, Hojo," I said, walking to my library with my sandwich. "You too, Aeris!"
     "That's not exactly the plan!" Aeris shouted back.
     I tried my best to eat my sandwich in the library while drowning myself in a good science textbook, novel, or dictionary, but nothing took. I could always still hear the strange shouts and random noises coming from Hojo's beastiality lair. I finally gave up, slammed a couple books shut, grabbed my sandwich, and headed back to my room. On the way out I saw Vincent getting it on with my mom in the coffin area, so I stuffed my sandwich in my mouth and added a checkmark to my blueprints. I headed upstairs and ate some of my sandwich along the way. I figured I would be bothered by something again when I got back upstairs, so I'd better eat as much as I could now.
     Ur back!
     "Ur?" I asked, even though Mother wasn't around. "Isn't that some ancient...thing?"
     No, silly. It's the correct spelling and pronunciation for "you are." It's a contraction, like when you're in labor. You wouldn't understand, what with being a man who will never experience that joy.
     "Why weren't you talking to me in the basement?" I asked.
     I keep my brain out of that area. That's your private place.
     Not anymore. Dammit.
     But hey, now that you're out and done eating, you can play with me! Skippy dippy hooray! We're playing Chariot Races, only Edwardo is the horse, pulling a wagon around, and the guy in the back with the whip isn't a person at all, but instead a large, open fire!
     "This is your way of telling me to find the fire, isn't it?" I asked.
     You know me so well.
     "I'll pass."
     Okay. It's time for my bath, anyway.
     "You don't take baths, Mother."
     Suddenly there was a pounding at my door.
     "Big Brother!" Kadaj's voice said through my very, very locked door. "Don't touch Mother with sponges! She hates those things!"
     "Big Brother!" Loz shouted, "Mother is allergic to water!"
     "Big Brother!" Yazoo shouted, "the curtains set themselves on fire again!"
     Suddenly Vincent and err, "Other Mother" busted through my secret passage door, holding their clothes against their naughtier body parts as they snuck through my room. "Sorry, Son!" she said. "Just passing through! Only entrance and exit, you know." She and Vincent snuck through my door and at least they had the decency to close the door behind them so that the trio couldn't get in.
     "Yeah, that's why I picked it," I replied.
     Then Aeris and Red XIII came through the secret door.
     "I wasn't going to!" Aeris shouted at Red XIII.
     "Then why'd you put my tail in your mouth!?" Red XIII shouted.
     "I did not!" Aeris said just before coughing up a puff of smoke. "What? There are more sources of fire out there than just your stupid tail!"
     They also had the decency to close the door behind them after leaving my room.
     Sephy, know who can really move?
     "Sonic," I said dryly.
     Well, yes, but no. Edwardo. Turns out, if you set him on fire, he runs really fast! The whole bloody house is on fire! Err, forget I told you that! You have to find the fire, Sephy! FIND IT! It's not too late!
     I threw the remains of my sandwich down on my desk and stomped around the room. I'm so tired of everybody always bugging me! It never ends! Always doing things for other people, what about me!? That's it!
     I marched over to my wall and broke the glass case containing my Masamune. The sign around the case read "In Case of Homicidal Rage, Break Glass." Yes, I made the sign myself. I was about to grab for the Masamune when Hojo finally came through the secret entrance/exit in my room.
     "You will be first!" I said, poking him hard in the chest. Harder than I'd expected, actually, because it caused him to become strangely upright, unlike his normal hunched-over look. Being so upright, he quickly became off-balance and started to fall backwards, then roll comically down the circular stairs all the way back to the basement.
     I smiled for the first time in a long while after watching him fall. I didn't care if he was alive or dead. It was funny. I quickly found a padlock in my desk drawer and put it on the door to the basement. Yes, I keep many padlocks. I was struggling to decide if I should kill everybody or not when I noticed Tifa open up her curtains and wave to me from her window. I waved back, but not a nerdy wave. One of those tough-guy "sup" waves. She held up a sign that was too hard to read, but luckily I had a pair of binoculars on the window sill. Shut up. You would, too, don't lie. Her sign said "I'm working at the Seventh Heaven tonight at eight. See you there?"
     I nodded and gave a thumbs up. She turned the sign over for a second message that said, "You're still a pervert." I know. I sat down at my desk and started writing in my journal, which was currently kind of covered in peanut butter and jelly. I don't write journal entries. That'd be silly. Instead I just write messages to myself.
     As I finished my entry, I looked out my window at Tifa, who was shouting something to her own front door. I saw that Aeris and Red XIII were waiting at her door, so I knew what she was saying. She waved to me and closed the curtains. Just as she did so, a frisbee crashed through my window, almost slicing up my beautiful face when it shattered only a few inches in front of me.
     "Mother!" I shouted. "'Splain!"
     Tiffany did it!
     I looked down at my journal to read the entry I just wrote ten seconds ago. "Future Sephiroth: Life sucks, but there are always moments that make everything worth it. Sometimes you have to wait longer than others, but don't worry, they're coming."
     ...I'm still going to kill them all if they keep bugging me.