Our story today begins at the beginning. It all started in the beginning, and ended in the end. Good things happened in the between area; between the beginning and the end, some call it the middle.

     It all started with a small rebel group called…uhh… I think they were called the X-Men or something. So anyway, the X-Men were really effin' pissed at this company called… I think it was called Burger King. They were pissed at Burger King because the Macho stuff was stinking up the city with this green poo-gas; so the X-Men rode a train around the city, and decided to get off…heh, get off… Anyway, they got off at this reactor that was spitting out all of the poo-gas, and decided it would be a good idea to vandalize the reactor by writing their names in graffiti on the reactor wall. The members of the X-Men introduced themselves so they would know what to write on the walls. The members were…uhh… Bigger, Wedgie, Jesse, Beret…no wait, it was Barret… and the new guy. The new guy's name was…something white and fluffy like toilet paper. Oh, I remember, it was Cloud. Right, so big black Barret got sucked into Cloud and Cloud ran into the reactor. Well, not into it, but inside it. While they all wrote their names on the walls, Wedgie lit one of his farts, and the whole effin' reactor blew up. The X-Men decided they'd better run away from the reactor because it smelled really bad.

     On the way home, Cloud ran into this prostitute named Aeris. Well, okay, she was selling flowers, but doesn't prostitute sound like a better job? Anyway, Cloud bought some cheap weed from her and ran to the Seventh Circle of Hell (This was the X-Men's secret hideout, but you didn't hear that from me). So anyway, Cloud went in and saw his friend Tifa that he hadn't seen for years. I think about that time, his jaw hit the floor and his eyes popped out. This one annoying girl got in his line of vision, so he gave the little four-year-old his weed so that she'd leave him alone to stare at Tifa's chest. So then some boring stuff happened, Bigger humped Barret's leg, and I think Cloud scored, beating Tifa's old score of 14,000 on the pinball machine. Barret paid Cloud for the weed he gave his daughter Marlene. Then they were off with Tifa to go graffiti another reactor.

     On the train ride to the next reactor, Cloud set off the metal detector, and they all had to jump off of the train because the guy asked him to empty his pockets, and Cloud had no pockets. They jumped off the train (which was going almost fifty miles an hour!) in different locations, and somehow, landed unharmed in the same location, which was actually right next to the next reactor. They entered the reactor through the garbage chute, which was actually very small, but since Barret sucked into Cloud, it was easy to go through. They finished vandalizing the reactor, and started to leave when a helicopter came into the reactor. On board the helicopter was the President of Burger King…uhh… Dave Thomas? No wait, it was Senator Kelly. No, that's not it. Anyways, the good ol' nameless President said something about fining them for vandalism, but Cloud wasn't listening, he was too confused as to how an effin' helicopter got in there. In fact, he was so confused he decided to jump off the catwalk (Cloud has a tendency to jump from dangerous locations when things get confusing). He was okay though, because a church broke his fall.

     Cloud woke up laying in a patch of weed next to his prostitute friend Aeris. She explained how she got divine inspiration to slowly destroy the church to make her field of weed. She talked a long time about these guys saying "If you build it, you'll make a shitload of money," when this one drunk from Reno, no wait, he was Reno, came in to get some of the weed. Aeris tried to tell him that Cloud fell on all the weed and she would be behind in her shipments, and he got pissed. Luckily, Cloud's fall made a hole in the ceiling, so they could escape, but Aeris was slow, so while she ran to the roof, Cloud was throwing her barrels of weed at her, but kept missing and hitting Reno's weed collectors, but since there was lots of weed in the barrels, the collectors took the barrels and left. Cloud and Aeris escaped through the hole in the roof and ran in a pile of junk. Cloud waved 'goodbye' to the weed collectors as he and Aeris ran away.

     Cloud and Aeris then went to Sector…some number. Who really gives a blank anyways? Anyway, they went to Aeris's house and talked to this lady that was in her house. She told Cloud stories about how she used to rob banks with highlighters and she would sometimes sleep at their houses and she soon got the name 'the sleepover bandit'…no wait, I'm thinking of something else. She actually told a story about how she killed this woman in a red dress because she had seen "The Matrix" one too many times and thought she might become an agent. Then this tiny girl with huge feet followed her home and wouldn't leave her alone, and the girl kept coming home with much older boyfriends. The girl was Aeris by the way. And while I'm on a side note, why is Aeris's house the only one that doesn't suck ass? Is it because of the weed she's growing in her backyard? So anyway, Cloud stayed over at her house, but there wasn't a pinball machine in her house, so he had to sneak out, but the floor kept squeaking, so he just jumped out the window and ran. Aeris noticed though 'cause he broke the window, and it was effin' noisy. So then they both went to the playground (Cloud claimed he could go higher on the swings) and while they sat on the slide that not even a small child could squeeze into, Tifa rode by engaged an intense chariot race. She was right beside Ben Hur until his horse had a heart attack, so she won. Aeris thought the race was awesome, and said the only thing cooler than a chariot race is a drag race, but Cloud took this the wrong way.

     Cloud ran off to Wall Market where a bunch of gay people helped him compete for Don Juan's Fifth Annual Drag Race, where a bunch of transvestites run around the city. He went to the dress store and after buying the designer round after round at the bar, he gave Cloud a soft, shiny Satin Dress. Then Cloud went to the gym to exercise. He knew that if he was gonna win the race, he would need to condition his legs. He was gonna train with this big black guy who was personally trained by Big Bro; the winning transvestite in the previous race. After they explained to Cloud that squatting was an exercise and not something you do in the bathroom, they began to exercise. Cloud did four squats, and the black dude did more than I can count, but since Cloud tried hard, Cloud got some pubes to put on his head. Cloud was happy, but he needed something to hold the pubes on, so he went to this shop where the guy had some hats. Cloud got a glass tiara for buying the guy some really expensive condoms from the inn, but Cloud noticed that he still smelled like weed from the fall into the church, so he stole some flower cologne from this guy who didn't even notice him 'cause he was too busy wetting himself. Being the nice guy he is, Cloud gave him some Deodorant to replace what he stole. Then Cloud bumped into this guy who gave him theater tickets at the Honeybee Theatre, but since he bought scalped tickets, he was not allowed to see the play starring the nameless President, so he had to watch through the keyhole. Then he found that his ticket allowed him entry into the group room or the symbol room, so he picked the group room. Group apparently was another name for bath because Cloud went in and bathed with these guys, but nothing happened…well, that's what Cloud said…but then he got dressed and went to put on make-up with the actresses in the play, then he was off to get into full drag. Apparently Aeris wanted to race too, so she got into a dress as well. So they were off to Don Juan's.

     At Don Juan's, they found Tifa. She was entering as well. Then they all went together to see the Don. Since there were three of them, he needed to decide which of them would be allowed to enter (only eight people can enter the race, and seven already signed up). After examining them closely, he thought it was obvious that Aeris was the only man among them, and she was allowed to enter the race. Don also invited Cloudina to watch the race from his room. Cloud noticed it was a trap though, because he had no windows, so he threw off his dress and pubes wig and called Tifa and Aeris (don't worry, she's slow, she would have lost the race anyways) to discuss things that Gallagher had smashed. Don was not amused, so he banished them to the sewer. Cloud was effin' pissed now though; he was now stinky, lost, and still very naked because he forgot his clothes. They got out of the sewer and went through the train graveyard (R.I.P. The Little Engine that Could…oh god I'm hilarious). Anyway, nothing important happened, Cloud found some clothes, but lets just move on.

     The three got out of the graveyard to find the X-Men had been trapped on this tall pillar, and I think Barret pushed Wedgie off the tower because he was making it lean because of his immense fatness; but, since bumbles bounce, he was okay, and said that the tower was going to tip and all of the really expensive dinner plates were gonna fall and hurt people. Cloud decided they would help, so he sent away Aeris because he was mad that she was picked for the Drag Race; in fact, he sent her to a fate worse than death: watch Marlene! So Cloud went to the tower with Tifa to go help Barret. The tower really tall, but when they finally got there, it was too late. No, no, I'm just kidding, they made it with plenty of time, I just wanted to add some suspense. So anyway, Reno was there too, and after a small little scuffle, They all watched Reno play some computer game, and then jump off the tower. He was okay though, because he landed in the helicopter, with this dude that looked a lot like Reno only with long black hair, and Aeris was there too…and I guess someone was flying the helicopter. So anyway, Tseng invited Cloud and the others to his party at Shin-Ra HQ (it was a surprise party for me…shh, don't give away the secret). Then the tower started to explode, the helicopter flew away, and Barret pulled off one of the tower supports to use as a rope. Cloud was highly confused again, this time on three counts. One: if a helicopter's blade is on top of it, how did Reno make it onto the helicopter without getting sliced and diced? Two: if there's a giant plate above the tower that is going to fall, how did the helicopter escape by flying up? Three: how did Barret manage to so easily pull off a support cable that was holding up a tower weighing many tons? I think Cloud's brain melted at this point from all this, and he grabbed onto Barret and swung away (he didn't even bother to ponder how the cable that was holding the tower a hundred feet above the ground managed to extend and touch the ground for a soft landing).

     Anyways, the group ran back to the wallpaper market and bought really expensive batteries (AA) and decided to climb the wall to get to the party at Shin-Ra HQ. Not much interesting happened here, so I'll just skip this part.

     So then, on his third attempt, Cloud reached Shin-Ra HQ, complaining the whole time about how his back hurt so much after the two previous attempts where he fell all the way back down or something. Anyway, then they went in the front doors, but the guards at the front door couldn't find their names on the guest list, so they went around to the unguarded staircase along the side. They climbed a long way because floors 3 through 59 didn't exist. They finally got to the 59 th floor and mugged three people to get into heaven…no wait…it was the party on the 60 th floor. Anyway, then they had to sneak past a couple of guards by doing something clever. So they decided kill all the guards and then slowly creep past the…uhh…poles? Oh, right, the evil poles…no, I'm thinking of something else. Anyway, they made it to the next floor. They talked to some dude who told them that the party was on the 70 th floor, so they continued on. On the 62 nd floor, they had to read a whole bunch of boring books and tell some guy the password, but Cloud never figured it out, so he just told the guy there was a bomb in the building and raided his desk for the cardkey after he ran away screaming. The next floor's puzzle was a cinch for Kloud and the Gang. I'm sorry, Cloud and the gang. Anyway, it was way cinchy. They could only open three doors to get all the prizes, so they sent Tifa in as far as she could go, then reset the doors so that she could grab the prizes, and after many resets, she made it out with a bunch of good stuff. The next floor had lots of workout equipment. Cloud and the others were starting to think that the party hadn't started, so they decided to rest. When they woke up, Cloud went running to the next floor in search of the party, and accidentally broke a model of some city, and he had to put it back together. Then, he was off to the next floor, but the party room was locked. Barret said he had to go to the bathroom, so they went, and while flushing, Cloud noticed the smell of barbecue chips through the vent, so he went into the vent (I guess Tifa and…somehow Barret, slipped in too) and watched the party since he was unable to attend. It was a boring party, and everybody left. Then, Cloud and the rest of the guys went after that old guy in the white jacket, a guy I call Homo Hojo. So they went after him, and Barret looked into this tank thing, and saw the most beautiful thing in the world, me. Boy I'm great. I'm sooo hot. Even Tifa was aroused looking at me. After they stared at me for awhile, they went after Homo Hojo again. Then they saw Aeris and this dog thing cage dancing, but the cage went up to the next floor, so Cloud did too.

     On the next floor, they saw Homo Hojo watching Aeris and the dog dancing, but the dog was hungry, so it left the cage and ate Homo Hojo. The party got too wild at some point though, and the group had to spend the night in jail. When they woke up, they found that the guard got drunk, and some unknown person had made a mess of the free ketchup, so Cloud and the others went to find out who it was. They followed the trail of ketchup up to the president's office which he likes to call the "Dining Room" (There are many dining rooms in Shinra HQ because of him). The ketchup led to a foot-long hot dog on the president's desk/table. But what was the weird thing, was that the president had Sephiroth's (I think that's my son) sword in his back. I think he wanted to do a sword in the stone thing, but the largest thing in the room was the president himself. Then a hellocopter came by, so everyone went to check it out (Did I mention that dog thing is following them?) and they saw Rufus. He told them they were gonna go back in time to do a history report... I'm off topic again aren't I? Anyway, Cloud wanted to test his theory that a sword was more powerful than a sawed-off shotgun, so they fought while everyone else took the elevator to get out.

     The elevator went down, and this zamboni shot at them, but it was no problem for them, Barret shot the cables and it fell and died. Back to Cloud, he tested his theory, and proved it right, a sword is stronger than a gun. Rufus left, Cloud left, and there was much rejoicing. Then, Cloud got a good idea for an escape from the building... break stuff. He found a motorcycle, and Tifa found a truck, and they busted through a window, and drove on the soon-to-end highway. Cloud went around hitting people on motorcycles because he didn't like their bikes, and something was ready to fight them, but Tifa hit it with her truck.

     Then the group headed off to Kalm, to hear Cloud's story...

to be continued...