This is a really important message that I should send to everyone but I’ll send it to you first because I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, SQUALL!!!!

(ME TOO! I LOVE YOU!! SEX ME UP, YOU SEXY PIECE OF SEED!)

We were experimenting with the pheromones in Dr. K’s lab…

(SHE’S HOT I LOVE HER I WANNA EXPLORE MY SEXUALITY WITH THAT WOMAN)

… When we accidentally created a mutated version of the pheromone that affects everyone it comes into contact with and causes you to fall madly in love with every person who has also been infected with the pheromone. Currently I have a crush on about five hundred people and counting, including myself. Really, I can’t stop thinking about how hot I am.

(YOU ARE SO DAMN HOT LET’S DO THE SEX!)

OKAY!

…

…

…

Okay we’re back!

(LETS DO IT AGAIN!!!!)

OKAY!

…

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…

Okay, this time we’re back to stay! Flo passed out, so she won’t be nagging me for sex until she wakes up. Well, here’s the full story, you sexy, sexy man. We were doing experiments with this new strain of the pheromones, being very, very careful with it, except for Flo, who decided to go crazy. She’s also sexy, did I mention that? You’re sexy too.

And so is Dr. K.

And me.

I’m too sexy.

Sexy, sexy, sexy.

(I’M AWAKE AND I WANT SEX!)

HOT DAMN!

...

…

…

Okay! To continue. Flo heard about all the crazy things Quistis was doing to get Zell’s attention, and since Flo didn’t want to be outdone, she decided to up the crazy stakes. She stole a sample of the super-pheromones, with the intent of giving it to Zell to make him fall madly in love with her.

(HE’S SO HOT!!!!!)

Well, she ended up dropping it somewhere on the stage where Odine--

(Who is a sexy beast)

--was going to do his next show. Little did we know, but Laguna had already gone ahead and rigged the stage with explosives. The explosives detonated, sending the super-pheromones into the air and affecting almost every person in the city of Balamb as well as the Garden. Classes have abruptly stopped, because the students and teachers are too busy groping each other. No one’s doing a thing except sex and talking about sex and thinking about sex. In fact, you might not even get this message because you might be out having sex with someone right now.

(I’M SO JEALOUS!!! GIVE ME SEX, DOBE!)

OKAY!

--end of message--