So Selphie and her four friends (whom I've named "Big Boobs," "Super Bitch," "Creepy Girl With Creepy Fetish for Horses," and "Sorta Ugly but I'd Still Do Her," because I can't remember their real names) finally saw the light and decided to use another method of intercontinental transportation besides a van. Okay, I'm lying. It's just that I can't handle the horrible horrible suck fest that my life has become. Truthfully, we took a van to Balamb. Here's the story.

First we started going south along the coast (there aren't any roads so we drove on the beach and got stuck at least fifty times). The girls had Odine's album playing non-stop the whole way, but by now I've learned how to block it out, so I wasn't bothered. When we neared the Esthar mountains, I figured we'd end up walking the rest of the way, so I fell asleep to conserve my energy. When I woke up, we were a little west of the Great Salt Lake. The thing is, I have NO FRIGGIN IDEA HOW WE DID THAT! No one can drive over cliffs! It's not possible!

I asked about this and Super Bitch told me how many different ways I was an idiot while Creepy Girl With Creepy Fetish for Horses wondered aloud of there were any horses in Balamb. So I still don't know how we did it. Then we got on the FH railroad. Which, I should mention, is NOT at ALL designed for auto traffic. We drove on the tracks. Three words: Bumpy. As. Hell.

And about halfway across Selphie got so tired that she fell asleep at the wheel and almost crashed us all into the ocean. Sorta Ugly but I'd Still Do Her clung to me and screamed in terror, but I was too busy screaming in terror as well to appreciate the hotness of the situation. After the shock of us nearly dying had worn off, Super Bitch and Selphie laughed at me for screaming and I'm pretty sure my masculinity will never recover from the hit it took.

Big Boobs took over driving after this to give Selphie a break. Big Boobs is hot and has big boobs, but she's about as smart as those Geezard things. She apparently can't sing along with a song and drive at the same time, because she'd keep drifting across the tracks and almost into oncoming trains. I did my best to refrain from screaming and I was mostly successful. Mostly.

Against all odds and all logic, we made it to Timber. At this point, even the girls had to admit that there's no way to get a van to Balamb Island. Or at least, that's what we all thought until we found out that you can park your car in the back of the underwater train. Super Bitch said that, since 
this was a road trip, we weren't allowed to make any forward progress that wasn't in the van, so we all had to sit in the van in the cargo section as the train carried us to Balamb. It was then that the CD player broke and kept repeating the same Odine song over and over and over and over. I began 
to wonder if opening the doors in a train traveling under the ocean would kill us quickly or slowly. Not that I cared at that point, so long as I died and ended my suffering.

Anyway, we made it to Balamb in a van. Odine showed up a little after us and we're waiting for him to set up his "equipment" (which is just a bunch of cardboard boxes painted to look like speakers) and start his next show. Check the headlines for "Crazed Shotgun-Toting Teen Slaughters 
Concert-Goers". I'm at the breaking point.

Wow... this was a long email. Sorry about that.
Irvine