Hey Squall.

As much as I wish it was, the subject is not referring to a hot dog. It's my penis, man. Something strange happened involving explosions and pheromones and all this stuff I don't get. I heard the announcements from Dr. Kadowaki. I guess you probably did too. Then never mind that technical stuff. I just... I'm afraid. I've been... you know... Constantly... Up.

I talked to Dr. Kadowaki, but I'm afraid to have her near me with it all up. My girlfriend is totally the jealous type, and if she sees me with that... And Dr. K... It's all over, man. I don't know what to do. Anyway, Dr. K -who was across the room and I had a clipboard in front of me the whole time- told me that there are special cases for that pheromone explosion. There are a few weird cases, and I'm this weird case where my pheromones aren't all wonky, but there was a side effect where I'd be like this for a long time. I'm going on sixteen hours, man. And I really have to go to the bathroom. I can do a handstand, so that's good enough, but I really have to.... You know... And the sitting... And the up... I can't do it. It's gross, man. I'll spare you the details. Well, the ones I haven't given you anyway. 

I don't know what to do. And my girlfriend won't leave me alone. She just keeps demanding that I put my never-ending status to good use. I talked to Dr. K about ten hours ago. My girlfriend came over nine hours ago. She hasn't left. It's hard enough to type this. I mean it's difficult to type this. She keeps getting kinkier on me by the second. Saying like "Put the laptop on my back!" and "Pull my pigtails!" and all this. I'm starting to think things won't work out between us. She was in Timber when the thing exploded! She's unaffected, man! She's threatening me with all kinds of things if I find a cure for my status, but I have to go, man! Help me, yo. Find me a cure and somehow slip it to me so she doesn't notice?

Oh! Put it in a hot dog! She always lets me eat them and doesn't touch them herself... Well, she does, but that's personal. She likes when I talk about her being kinky, and she likes when I tell people about what she does, but I just don't entirely feel right about it. If word got out about her to my ma, things would get very complicated, very quickly.

I wish I could sugarcoat this e-mail with something like talk about sports or something, but it's getting hard- difficult to type again. Gotta go!

-Ze LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLtuymhdnt