Hi, My Name Is.....

     As a substitute, I am given between 20 and 180 new names every day. And 20...doesn't really happen. I substitute in California and schools across the state are suffering from a horrible education budget (at least as of writing this in 2009-2010). Teachers are being fired because of such ridiculously large cuts being made to our education system. The concept of "20 to 1" means twenty students for every one teacher. This is a great number but, hell, I wouldn't mind seeing it even slightly smaller. I have maintained my own classroom for a long term assignment and understand how important this can be.

     The ability to focus and learn is proportional to how much a student can get away with. Not only students realize this. Go out somewhere like a restaurant or maybe sit in a movie theater before the previews have started. Through all the mild chit-chatting, you may experience a moment of silence. When it hits, suddenly, nobody wants to make noise. Who the hell breaks a silence? If you do it, people will notice you! So if you're going to do it, you'd better say something funnier than "man, it sure is quiet!" Same idea fits in a classroom. If enough people are talking or generally not paying attention, then everybody will try to get away with it. The more students you pack into a room with only one teacher, the more likely there will be somebody that is talking. And why are they talking? Because the teacher can't see you. Because of the budget, I typically see classrooms of upwards of 30 students. 32 seems to be my average. Some classrooms aren't even capable of fitting this many desks in a room, which is quite pathetic. Thank you, government.

     So, as a teacher, how do you keep up behavior in a classroom of this size? Know the kids and know their voices. If you hear Daniela's voice every day and she's constantly being loud and disruptive, it doesn't take long to know who is talking. It might even become habit and you'll start yelling at Daniela when you clearly did not hear her, but instead heard Devon (assume this example is middle school or before, when a Devon might sound like a Daniela). "Daniela! I mean, Devon! Be quiet or I'll give you detention!" And the best part about an accident like this is that this honest and true accident will prompt Daniela to respond. "Why do you always assume it's me!?" And then poor Daniela is going to be loud and disruptive the rest of the class and eventually end up back in the principal's office....again.

     So, as a substitute, how do you keep up behavior in a classroom of the afformentioned size? Pick a student to be the example. Not just at random. Pick out a talkative, disruptive student and let him/her feel your the full extent of your wrath. Most other students will see that you aren't all talk and will fall in line. Those that don't get to feel your aftershock wrath. If you're really lucky, a student will volunteer to be your example. If you think it doesn't happen, you'd be wrong.

     So many times I have been waiting while the kids cycle into the room and had a student approach me and offer a handshake, paired with a "Hi, I'm _______." Here is the sad truth: this kind gesture is not meant in friendly spirits, but instead meant as some sort of mockery. For some reason, the student that does this is typically the "class clown" and has no idea what he's actually saying to a substitute (I use the male pronoun here because this is pretty much always a boy). What he is actually saying to a substitute is: "Hi. My name is _______. You should go ahead and write that name down on an office referral now so that you can save time later. I won't listen to what you have to say and I won't do the assignments. Every time you come to offer me help, I will nod a lot, mockingly, of course, and pretend to listen until you go away. Then I will make jokes with my friends loudly so that nobody can do their work because I am going to distract the entire class. I find me funny, so they must also find me funny. If they do not find me funny, I will just try harder until they do. The class would be better without me in it."

Final Remarks:

Students:

     If you insist on being jackasses during class, I highly recommend that you do not tell your sub your name. Even if you do not get directly punished, the sub will remember your name because of your introduction. Yes, this is what real-world introductions are used for; to remember your name. If you don't want us to remember your name, then don't introduce yourself. There is a slim chance that you will leave the room at the end of class and the sub will not be able to write your name in the note to the teacher under the "These kids were little jackasses" column. I've done it before. I've had a bad list, but never known certain kids' names, so they beat the system and got away scot-free.

Teachers:

     It is helpful for some substitutes if you list the "good" and "bad" kids for us, but it really isn't necessary. We subs tend to figure this whole list out all by ourselves within the first five minutes of class. If you don't feel like including it, don't include it. We'll survive.

Substitutes:

     As I've already mentioned, write their name directly on a referral. Or, if you don't want to be hasty, at least make a note by their name so that you don't forget their name. This is mostly important because once that student inevitably starts being a little jackass, he will probably try to lie and say his name is something else. But if you remember the name he gave you before he acted out, then he's pinched.

Parents:

     Your kids are dumb.