Take A Chance On Me

     And now, one for the teachers. One thing a substitute is commonly thought to do is to show movies to the students. It's sort of a stereotype, but nobody is complaining. Thing is, in almost a full school year, I've only shown maybe...two movies? Three? It hasn't been many. The majority of my jobs involve a worksheet or doing problems from a book. A few rare cases have even had me teaching a class. So go ahead, put these job types in order for which you think Mr. B prefers to teach: movie / worksheet or book work / teaching a lesson. I'll give you a full indent to think about it!

     Did you say: movie, worksheet, then teaching? If so, you're wrong! Terribly wrong! Maybe I'm different from most subs, but my order is movie = teaching > worksheets. Sorry, too mathy for ya? At least for me, teaching an actual lesson is on par with showing a movie. Yes, showing a movie is easy and is probably preferred, but only barely and only sometimes. A movie is easy, but if you're teaching at a middle school level or higher, where the students have several classes in one day, then let me tell you, even the best movies get boring. And yes, that one-hour stretch of movie is amazing when watched six times in a row. I not only know what people in the movie will say, but I know when the kids in class will laugh or go "eww!" If you want a sub to fall asleep, show a movie. I've never fallen asleep (yet), but movies are the worst for this. I had to walk around every ten minutes. Yes, I'm checking on the students, but I'm mostly just walking so I get my blood flowing and don't pass out.

     I've also done a block schedule class where I watched the full movie --not just the same one-hour stretch-- only three times. It's still not a hoot. It's fun the first time, but even if we're watching a movie I love, it's really boring when you just saw it. Maybe it's just me though. I know some people like to see a movie several times in theaters, but I only do that when I'm forcing friends to see the movie. Anyway, basic story: movies are cool, but it doesn't mean they're my favorite thing to do.

     The thing that's almost tied for favorite is to actually teach a lesson. I'm an aspiring teacher, and I like to show off my many talents. Watch, children, as I do geometry without looking up the solution! And now, let's see some swooning as I explain how to write a proper thesis with fairly decent grammar! I'm okay with English, but it's hard to tell the students how to write properly when I use words like ya'll, gettin', ain't, etc. I almost never speak the "g" in an "ing." But whatever. I can do it. Be amazed! And now, watch as I do History! ....Scratch that. I'm bad at most other subjects.

     But all that aside, teaching a lesson is kinda fun. The best part of it is that you get to be strict. If I'm teaching, you're shutting the hell up or I'm getting angry. If you're working on a worksheet, I don't really care if you talk, though I should because you'll inevitably give me a headache. And it's really hard to get mad at a kid that's not watching a movie. "Watch this movie or you're going to the principal's office! By the end of this, if you can't remember every Titan's name, then you're expelled!" That was a reference to Remember the Titans by the way. Not anything related to Greek mythology. Remember my aforementioned thing about sucking at history? But basically, I'd rather be strict because I get to go home and not take lots of medicine and/or take a nap, even though naps rock. But medicine, why, that comes right out of my paycheck, so it's counterintuitive to let my work give me a headache!

     I'll also lump a general "free day" in with movies, since they're the same idea. A day that the students aren't required to do much of anything, so I get to just hang out with them, ensure that nobody does anything stupid (because they'd never do that....), and go home a little bit richer. So movie/free day is basically the opposite of actually teaching a subject. So why oh why do I not like that middle ground: busy work? The best answer for this: the students know it's busy work.

Busy Work: -noun 1. Something a student does not want to do. 2. Something a teacher does not want to grade.

     That definition should tip you off already. You see, nobody profits from busy work. From about fourth grade on, kids know that busy work is busy work. It's work that they have to do to keep "busy," even if it doesn't help them learn anything. Biggest problem with busy work is this: teachers don't typically grade busy work. If your paper isn't going to be properly graded, then why do it? I side with the kids here. Why oh why? I was a sucker growing up and I always did my work, but it's always depressing to see that the entire period of work went to nothing. The teachers might look to see if the students turned something in, but a lot of them don't even do this. And as mentioned before, the kids know this! It's a problem. I tell them "do your worksheet" and they ask why they should bother. Sometimes I can legitimately say "Because it's good practice" or "To improve your grade," but so many teachers completely ignore busy work that kids have stopped relating busy work to any form of profit, and I don't blame them. Most teachers have this philosophy: "Whatever the sub teaches, I'll just have to re-teach." If you really believe this, then just show a video. Stop being a jerk and just let us (the kids and I) have some fun. Or have some expletivin' faith that not all subs are retarded old people* and let us actually teach a lesson.

*Politically correct version: "retarded elderly people." Hope I didn't offend any of you elderly 'tards.

     If this wasn't enough incentive, then let me explain the other problem with busy work. You see, I love to help the kids to learn. I'm a math guy, and I love landing a math class, but I still struggle to help with say, Algebra. Why? Because I have no idea what they've learned! If I say "just FOIL the two polynomials," do they know what it means? If I tell them to find a common factor, do they know? I have no idea what they've learned. I can tell them to group like terms, but if they think x and x² are like terms, then we need to back up. So to help kids on an individual basis, I have to constantly gauge the students to decide what level they're at. This is especially hard because some kids are at completely different levels. I may talk to three kids in Period 1 that had no idea how to group like terms, so in Period 2, I think "Aha! I'll just teach the class how to group like terms before I give them the worksheet!" Then as I start to explain, I'm met with a classroom shouting about how they already know how to do it, leaving a dumbfounded substitute. So after physically abusing all the kids that were shouting out without raising their hands (not really), I pass out the worksheets and let them work. Come to find out, nobody in this period knows how to find a common denominator...........*sigh*

     So please, teachers, consider your substitute assignments. Don't be dumb. Understand that your students know "busy work" is a code word for "useless crap." Some of my favorite assignment include teaching a geometry lesson or teaching a variety of topics to a fourth grade class. Maybe not all subs like it, but at least give the option. Don't use busy work. Here's the perfect substitute instructions, written by me. I'll show ya how it's done!

     Yeah, that's about right. Oh, and that bit about the phone? Yeah, a lot of teachers include their phone number attached to a "if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call." Know how many of those teachers answer the phone in those times? NONE. And I don't blame them, but seriously. If you won't answer, don't offer. I tried calling once because I had no lesson plans and it was one of my first sub jobs. I also once saw another sub's "sub note" to the teacher, which said something like "I tried to call you, but couldn't get ahold of you." Just don't offer. Seriously.

Final Remarks:

Students:

     Do your busy work. I know it's asking a lot, but sometimes life just sucks. The best advice I can give is that you do your busy work, and when sub isn't looking, switch it out for some work from another class. If you are working on something and being generally non-disruptive, I'd say 9/10 subs will just look the other way, or at least warn you to put it away, at which point you should do it and work on that busy work.

Teachers:

     This may be the best thing you'll ever read regarding substitutes. Tell the students before you're out "sick" that all work done for a substitute is worth amazingly high points. It doesn't have to be an exam equivalent or anything, but at least say, double the normal assignment. And follow through with it! Seriously, if you're teaching the students properly, then isn't a substitute the perfect example of a time where you can test the students' progress? You finally get to see if they can do the work with little/no help. Grade the busy work if you assign it, and check for copying --it's easier to catch than you'd think. If the students understand that this is an actual assignment and not just busy work, then they'll actually have a meaningful class. Otherwise, just show a movie. You have no idea how serious I am.

Substitutes:

     Don't be afraid to teach a lesson. It's kinda fun. But only do it if you're comfortable with the subject. We're being portrayed as dullards that can't even work a VCR. There are tons of great ways to not look like an idiot. If you can't teach a subject, just bring an alternate assignment for the kids (I recommend Remember the Titans) and in your sub note, just write "I was not comfortable with the assignment, so I showed the kids a movie." But if you know the subject, go for it! And rock the house while teaching it so that the kids tell their teachers "Mrs. Hatesubs, we already learned this, and our sub teaches better than you do." We had to go through college to become subs, so let's prove we know a thing or two! And if you can't work a VCR or DVD player, ask a kid to do it and just claim you need to take roll and can't do both at once. Don't admit you can't work the bugger. Besides, if you really can't, then get a new job.

Parents:

     I have nothing relevant to say, so let me just say this: hug your children and ask them about their day. You may not get it right now, but in the future when your kids tell you everything and stay off drugs because you actually took an interest in them, you'll understand.